
Treasure Chest for February, 2009
What I really wanted to be when I grew up.
I never wanted to do this for a living. I wanted to crush skulls, give intense interviews, and run around like a madman.
Is there any doubt that the Ultimate Warrior was probably the coolest mother fucker when you were about 8 years old? The man was insane. No one knew where he came from. He was from parts unknown. Where is parts unknown? It’s like saying your from east Guam. Where the hell is east Guam?
The Warrior’s interviews made me want to jump through a wall and they still do. I typically listen to one when I’m about to go into a meeting at work. This gives me the power to bum rush any asshole I work with if its needed. If my boss gives me any shit about it, I’ll let her know the Warrior told me to do. She’ll know exactly what I mean. She may even ask why I didn’t use the Hurricane Press instead.
Got a favorite Warrior story? Let’s here it.
Manatees Are Ruining the Game of Golf

That’s right, those huge bastards are ruining the game of golf. Manatees all over Florida are uniting to piss retirees off. An easier way to do this is to drive fast, remember what you ordered from a restaurant, and have control over all of your bowel movements.
But why is this happening?
Manatees, known as sea cows, believe they can play at a high level, the same high level as their half brother Phil Mickelson. There’s no questioning their claim. When Mickelson blew up in the US Open years ago it was because a Manatee choir broke out in celebration too quickly at the Winged Foot private party room apparently pissing off the staff. Phil’s hoping that his kin staff calm, cool and collective for his lame attempt for a Masters jacket in April.
On a related note, today is Valentines Day. Take a moment to think back at all the Manatees you once sweated over for Valentines then punch yourself in the nuts for doing it. Contrary to popular belief, Manatees are not hot.
Man Tries To Pay Bill With Spider Drawing
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account
Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account
Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.
Regards, David.

Random Pastime Moment Of The Day!

To better allow our viewing audience to understand the writers of TCM are in fact, literate, I dedicate the first random pastime moment to a book. Possibly one of the greatest series ever created. I will say it, better than goosebumps. Because you choose the ending. Now only if the pope realized this is how to engulf readers. Everyone would be reading the bible, if you turn to page 10 you get to adulturate the neighbors wife, get laid, and go to hell. If you turn to page 23 you save a cat from a burning tree and go to heaven. Best part about it, story resets next week anyway. So when you get old, always save the cat from the tree. You’ll be golden.
Female Drivers
I really don’t have to say much, just watch the video…
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Games that require drinking
I would like to introduce you all do a drinking game. We here like to call it Drunk Ball. Clear your mind of what you think it is, cause its not.
Rules:
- 2 people per team, 2 teams.
- Beer pong size table.
- Each person has an unopened CAN of beer in front of them. <— see the emphasis on can.
- A coin is flipped to see who goes first.
- Winning team of the coin flip is on offense, and the losing team….you guessed it, is on the defensive.
- The offensive team has to throw a ping-pong ball at the opposing teams cans of beer.
- If they throw and miss, then their partner goes, and if they miss then it goes to the other team.
- If they throw and hit a can however, then they are to (on first contact with can) open their beer and drink as much as they can until the opposing team retrieves the ball and places it on the table saying, “stop”. Sometimes the team on the defensive can get the ball quickly enough before the person opens their beer. If that is the case, then the person who threw the ball automatically opens their beer.
- The offensive team keeps going until they miss a can of beer.
- The game is over when both players on a team have finished their cans of beer. When you finish you beer, you must turn the can upside down on the table to show that you do not have any beer left.
- If one person is done on a team, they can still play, but only on the defensive, they are not allowed to throw the ball, only retrieve it.
Those are the basic rules to drunkball. If you like, you can make it full contact…depends on your style. The game can be slow as shit, or done in 2 tries…depends on how manly you can drink your beer.
Inaugural Post
Ok, I figured I would post some crazy shit to start this off to let you all know what we are about.

Baby-faced Alfie, who is 13 but looks more like eight, became a father four days ago when his girlfriend Chantelle Steadman gave birth to 7lb 3oz Maisie Roxanne.
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2233878.ece
*FYI, here at the Captains Memos, we are all about unprotected sex. But at age 13, I’m surprised the kid even knew what a vag was.
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