Oh, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen what boy growing up didn’t have a crush on you? With TBS still showing 3 hour blocks of Saved By The Bell this trend could still be continuing today. We all know that Bayside High School is possibly the most unrealistic portrayal of High School ever put on TV, but what was going on after school when the cameras weren’t rolling? Why the fuck did we never get to see Slater’s bedroom either? How many steroid bottles and male escort corpses was he hiding in there?
But let’s get back to the matter at hand, Kelly Kapowski’s sexual prowess. Here at TCM we have discussed this at length and have devised a theory. During the early stages of Kelly and Zack’s courtship, despite Zack’s best efforts Kapowksi had a no trespassing sign on her vag blocking all incoming vehicles. She kept that shit PG, she’s just too nice a girl. You saw her give away her hard earned prom money to her Dad after he lost his job. That greedy fuck took it too! I don’t give a damn if he’s got 7 children to feed, that shit is fucked up. You know a girl like that isn’t going to tarnish her good name by submitting to Zack Morris’ conquest.
Fast forward a few years to when Kelly dumps Zack for the good looking, older, new manager of the Max, Jeff. First of all kudos to Jeff for not just being able to manage a restaurant and be a college student, but to pick one where all the High School kids (girls) hang out. Jeff being big man on campus ain’t putting up with only some cheap, heavy petting. Kelly steadfastly refusing to give it up is why he gets caught cheating on her at the “Attic” (an over 18 dance club) with a random hot blonde. Jeff knew if he could wear Kelly down in due time she would be all his and he would obtain the much coveted “trophy box”. She of course breaks up with Jeff after being humiliated.
This completely changes Kelly’s perception of Zack. While they go on to date other people (notably Zack almost banging Jessie and definitely succeeding with Lisa and Torri) Kelly knows Zack loves her and concedes to lose her virginity to him, possibly in Palm Springs at Jessie’s father’s wedding.
By the time they graduate and move onto college, Kelly spent most of her first semester at community college catching up on lost time and banging part time mechanics, dudes wearing flannel and going to Gin Blossom concerts. When she finally meets up with the gang at college she is a raving slut. Witness the episode of the College Years where she works at the Hooters esque restaurant and sluts her shit out. Or the continual plowing of her by her Anthropology professor, Jeremiah Lasky (can we say daddy complex?) while Zack helplessly looked on. Sure, Zack eventually succeeds in locking her vagina down, but in the mean time he walked a long sexless road with her to get there.
