Treasure Chest for June, 2009


Jun302009

Keys and Pants

Upon waking after a hard night of drinking, there are always three items to make sure are not lost. A wallet, a phone, and of course, your keys. A lost wallet could be relatively quickly replaced, as the contents can be canceled and requested online. A phone, while pricey, could also be replaced through one of the thousands of retail chains around the country. But keys, well they remain much more difficult. Car key? If a spare is available it’s in a drawer somewhere at home. Yes, a home that requires a key to enter, which was just lost. Work bathroom key, girlfriends chastity belt key, key to the city, gym pass key, mailbox key, and random key (which it turns out opens the drawer to the spare car key).

So TCM has the answer. It’s certainly not to stop drinking. Nor to expect you will never misplace one of your three most important items….

Zipper pants! Why are all pant pockets open? Why are the only closable pockets secured with buttons that always fall off? It’s about time Levi’s took the advice of TCM and created pockets that could close. I’ve never lost my junk. You know why? It’s behind a zipper.

l beee61bc636d487aab9e04443133a3a01 Keys and Pants

This has nothing to do with this article, more a friendly TCM reminder. The Lingerie Football League is coming.



Jun302009

A Day In The Life Of James Brown

With the death of Michael Jackson blitzkreiging the media and the public consciousness, I’d like to fondly remember another black entertainer, that died in the last few years that got 1/4 the attention MJ received. We’re talking about none other than Mr. Dynamite, James “Sex Machine” Brown.

Ladies and gentleman, TCM would like to make up for lost time and present to you the godfather of soul in all his glory:

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Jun292009

Bernie Madoff and Obama’s “Change”

[Warning: Serious Article] Generations to come will read about 2008 as a significant turning point in American history. A confluence of factors, lead by re-packaged loans to lower class Americans whom could ill afford a home, would create a devastating crash in the housing market. This destroyed bank balance sheets and quickly dried liquidity around the world. The failure of AIG, Fortunoff, Bear Sterns, Linens & Things, Sharper Image, Circuit City, GM, KB Toys, Tropicana Casinos, Chrysler, Lehman Brothers, and hundreds of banks were only partial pieces of news, as the ponzi scheme run by Bernie Madoff represented the culmination of mismanagement and American greed in the early 21st century.

Today, Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison. And TCM is proud to see him get a much deserved life sentence.  With a true focus from the G8 on stabilizing the world economy, there are high hopes the real economy has bottomed out. A significant recovery and stable labor markets may be long off, but this ponzi scheme will lead the current administration to institute a much needed change. Socializing the financial and automobile system certainly wasn’t what Obama meant when he instituted his campaign slogan. Now’s his chance to act, rather than talk. Take heed in what Madoff did in the past. This is an opportunity for us to make sure this never happens again….

6a00e5520e33aa8833010536ae3b6f970b 800wi Bernie Madoff and Obamas Change




Jun292009

Michael Jackson is dead.

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Thanks to Mr. Burns for the heads up.



Jun292009

Billy Mays here…if you don’t buy this i’ll die

So if you haven’t heard, Billy Mays, the human megaphone, has passed away over the weekend. He was better known for his Oxy Clean and KABOOM products. I swear, this guy could sell a black dildo with Mexican balls to a Nazi/KKK member.

billymays Billy Mays here...if you dont buy this ill die

I am also led to believe that he fought bears. I mean you don’t look like that if you don’t fight bears. He’s got one of them mountain man beards. I bet off set from yelling and shouting to sell stuff, all he ate was raw bear meat and drank mongoose piss. I hear that is the recipe for redbull. Hence the reason he was always shouting and quite possibly his death.

Which also leads me to believe that is how he always talked on and off set. You can picture him in a restaurant trying to order some water. “Hey waiter! Billy Mays here! I bet you I can sell this bottle of Oxy Clean to this nice woman over here before you can get me a glass of water!!!!”

“Billy Mays, why are you always hollarin?” I would say.

Well, I had no problem with the man…RIP Billy Mays.

On another note, people always say that death’s come in threes.
First 3: David Carradine, Ed McMahon and Farrah Fawcett
Next 3: Michael Jackson, Billy Mays and could be you!

Let us know who you think will die next.



Jun292009

Ed Zachary Disease

drchang Ed Zachary DiseaseA woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said ‘OK take off all your crose.’ The woman did as she was told.

‘Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room.’ Again the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said ‘OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.’ So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, ‘Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.’

Worried the woman asked anxiously, ‘Oh my God Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?’

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, ‘Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.’



Jun272009

Your tattoo’s are absolutely hideous

Guys, you regret getting THUG LIFE written across your stomach? Girls, do you regret getting a unicorn fucking a midget on your lower back? Yea, I’m sure you do. Well hopefully this website will make you feel a little better about the shame you will have on you for the rest of your life. Ugliest tattoos is just that, a website that showcases the ugliest tattoos on the internet.

ut what Your tattoos are absolutely hideous

Feel better about your shitty tattoo after seeing these, then look in the mirror and start crying again.



Jun272009

And the first round draft pick for the New York Islanders is…

John “Fucking” Tavares. Let’s just say I let out the biggest relief fart of my life when I heard Garth announce his name.

tavares062609 325 And the first round draft pick for the New York Islanders is...



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