First there was Pong. Then, there was Tetris on a portable device. Soon after, Nintendo’s wireless controller. Then the internet gave way to the future of video games by having them download, rather than using a disk. Now Microsoft, with it’s endless array of resources, is fighting back and taking the the gaming world by storm. Introducing the next generation of video games.
If you don’t know who Matt Wieters is here’s a brief introduction:
1- Sliced Bread Is Actually The Best Thing Since Matt Wieters.
2-In The Off Season, Matt Wieters Hunts Predators In The Jungle For The U.S. Government. With A Spoon..
3- Matt Wieters Once Hit A Home Run With Captain Polish’s Mustache. (Captain Polish looks like Ted Nugent)
4- Spock Traveled Back In Time, Again, To Watch Matt Weiters Play His First Game In An Orioles Uniform.
5- Matt Wieters Went To The US Virgin Islands On Vacation, They Are Now Referred To As “The Islands”.
In summary, he’s the greatest prospect MLB has seen in well over a decade and has officially been added to the Orioles roster. He’s noted as being a better Joe Mauer, with power. And yes, Mauer currently has 11 homeruns in less than 30 games played, while batting .414. This stat is only bested by the fact that Adam Dunn has more home run’s than the Nationals have wins. Think about that one for a second.
Some readers from the good ol’ state of Arkansas sent us over this music video they produced. If you like food, I suggest you watch it.
Have you ever watched an old movie and heard someone say some fucked up gibberish that doesn’t make a lick of sense to anyone in their right mind? TCM will be doing our best to help define such 1940’s and 50’s hipster slang for you, the only way we know how.
Let’s get started.
1. “That chick is locked up in this direction, so just cut out while your conk is all in one portion”
This is how you can tell someone to stop annoying the young lady you are escorting.
2. “Solid Jack, I’ll dig you in your den gradually”
This is the proper reply when invited to someone’s house.
3. “Deep Sea Diving”
Translation:
Oral sex
And of course my personal favorite:
4. “Must have been tough on your mother, not having any children”
Translation:
I don’t know who you are, but you don’t impress me.
That is some cold hearted shit to say to someone. Anyway, check back often as we infiltrate the hipster and begin digging deeper into it’s world of nonsensical speaking patterns.
Have you ever been one-upped before? Do you even know what that means? Well friends let me elaborate. Being one-upped means someone followed a story you just told with a story of equal or greater value and most of the time it’s of greater value (much like a buy one, get one free deal from any fast food joint).
An example of someone being one-upped…but who is it????
The one-upper is typically a person who feels that they always need to enforce their awesomeness (which is self perceived) on others for no apparent reason. They cannot accept other people doing cool things, having good friends and/or a fun family, owning expensive things, and having a bigger wang/boobs. Yep, I just wrote wang/boobs.
One-uppers will usually find a conversation and stand in the background until complete then chime in with their story which is usually a blatant lie.
One-uppers can be found anywhere and everywhere. They’re at bars, parties, work, church, temple, grocery stores, the mall, a ball park, the park, strip clubs – pretty much anywhere you can imagine.
The reason I’m giving you all of this information is because upon encountering a one-upper, as loyal reader of TCM, you need to engage them in a game called OUCH (one-upper chess).
How to Play:
1. Identify a one-upper (use instructions above)
2. Tell a story that is lame enough they’ll follow up with one
3. Once they are done with their story, follow up with a story that is better
4. Continue going back and forth until you can yell “Bullshit” embarrassing them publicly
It seems simple enough, but it is very hard because one-uppers will know you are trying to one-up them by playing at their own game!
Think of OUCH as a high stakes game of poker with reputations on the line. The best way to practice is with your group of friends where all reputations are intact. Once you develop some skill, begin infiltrating other social circles to disrupt other one-uppers.
If someone calls you a dick or asshole, do not fret because you are neither. You’re like a vampire killer, Van Helsing if you will, who prowls the planet taking down one-upper after one-upper. Van Helsing was pretty bad ass and so will you be if you hunt down one-uppers.
Taken straight from the 4th grade text book, “American History”, written in 2017.
Chapter 7, Example 7.2 : Two boys, each age 8, decide to set up drink stands in order to make money. Each borrow a small amount of cash (capital) from their parents and move forward with their plans. One boy sets up an Ecto Cooler stand and the other sets up a lemonade stand, each on one corner of Spooner street. Demand for the Ecto Cooler is high as over 80% of the customers, all local neighbors, prefer it over the lemonade. So instead of changing over to a new drink, the second boy borrows additional money from his parents, employs his two sisters, offers a promotion by giving away a free cookie with each drink, and reduces the cost of the lemonade – all contributing to a reduced profit. This attracts a few customers for a short time but before long they make their way back to the Ecto Cooler, as it is just the superior product. So the boy selling lemonade offers early retirement to his two sisters, giving them each a life time of free cookies and lemonade. He then progresses to hire three of his friends and old man Sullivan, who he thought would attract some much needed attention. Once again the same story occurs, the Ecto Cooler is just a better tasting and satisfying drink. So after working long hours, putting in a lot money, and never changing the game plan to adapt to the demand of the neighborhood, the lemonade stand now runs the risk of complete failure. The boy now owes a large amount of money to his parents (creditors) and must continue to give his sisters (retirees) unlimited cookies and lemonade for as long as the stand is still operable.
1868: The lemonade stand challenges the Ecto Cooler stand to a duel. The survivor sells a lower quality, cheap drink. The neighborhood purchases the drink because if they are thirsty, they have no other choice.
1869-2008: The lemonade stand goes out of business. The sisters receive what is left of the cookies and lemonade but do not receive anything after this runs out. The parents lose their investment. The stand with ecto-cooler wins 100% of the business and continues to do well into the future as the neighbors all flock to the better, and only stand, now existing on Spooner street. Two other 8 year old children see the opportunity and set up Hawaiian Punch and Soda stands on two other corners of Spooner Street, creating competition to Ecto Cooler.
2009: The lemonade stand is going to go out of business due to poor management, producing a product no one wants, a high cost of operating, and lower skill. The mother of the lemonade stand is also the town congressman. She institutes a new law that requires no vote that allows her to use all local taxes to pay off the lemonade stand debts. 60% of all lemonade revenues will go back to the town to repair roads, pay teachers & police, and collect garbage. The neighbors have no choice but to purchase the lemonade to keep their town operable. The Ecto Cooler stand loses 50% of its business because the mother of the lemonade stand made the decision her son’s stand would not fail, no matter how bad it was managed.
“Holy shitballs! This is gonna be awesome!” – Pearl Jam
Tonight: Will Ferrell, Pearl Jam, Conan
And stay tuned for….
Tuesday: Tom Hanks, Green Day, Conan
And here’s something to get you even more pumped.
Don’t worry; it’s not that Jack Black. Oh, and to answer your other question, it’s only a myth that Pirates can’t read. It just takes us longer than most people. Have you ever wanted to know how to rob a jewelry store, get arrested, break out of jail and become richer than Donald Trump’s personal ass wiper all in the same day? How about sneaking into a man’s house and stealing the wad of cash under the pillow he’s sleeping on? Read this book.
This an autobiography following Jack Black, a true Clint Eastwood type at the turn of the last century drifting from town to town, plundering and disappearing like a true land pirate. A man who was young enough to worship Billy the Kidd while he was still an outlaw. We see Jack move from hobo jungles to whore houses to opium dens and prisons all over America with other “colorful” hoodlums like Salt Chunk Mary, Foot and a Half George and the Sanctimonious Kid. This is a book detailing crime when it was still an art and smart criminals always had the upper hand.
