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Treasure Chest for September, 2009


Pastime, Random
Sep12009

Laws of the Crown

BKCrown Full Laws of the Crown

You’ve probably done this many times, especially when you were 5. You went to Burger King (probably one of the greatest fast food restaurants in the world next to Taco Bell), ordered some food (or had it ordered for you), turned around to notice a crown, and promptly began to rock the shit out of it. This has been the story of my life ever since I had original thought probably around the age of 3.

Last week while on an epic road trip, I stopped into a Burger King and repeated this familiar sequence of events, but I noticed something. The geniuses at Burger King wrote something inside the crown! They have provided all of us with the Laws of the Crown. Here’s what they came up with:

Game Play
A) Adjust size and be the first to place on head.
B) Whoever places the Crown on his or her head first, then in a loud voice proclaims “I am the King” is from that moment forward, in charge. Rule ends if Crown is removed (see Coup d’etat). Crownings can happen anywhere, at anytime.

Advanced Play
1. There can only be one King.
2. The King always gets his/her way.
3. The King must speak with some kind of cool accent.
4. The King makes all the important decisions governing selection of TV channels, movies, radio stations, as well as popular activities like snow-boarding, pool hopping and cow tipping. The King also determines who gets the remote, who rides “shotgun” and, of course, who pays.
5. Rule ends when Crown is removed for more than 3 seconds (see Three Second Law).
6. Disagreement with the King results in a “penalty.” This is decided by the King. Common penalties include: forfeiture of fries, surrender of video game controller and banishment from the office cubicle.

Three Second Law
The King’s rule ends when the Crown is removed from their head for any reason, accidental or otherwise. The first person to exclaim, “One…Two…Three…King” may claim the Crown.

In The Event Of A Tie
If two people Crown themselves King simultaneously, the person who birth date is closest to Dec. 4, 1954 (date the first Burger King opened) is 5ng.

Coup D’Etat
If everyone agrees you completely stink as King, your rule may be renounced. This constitutes a Coup d’etat. A new King may be Crowned if the group can reach a unanimous decision. If not, the Three Second Law applies.

Kingdom
If you are eating in Burger King, your rule extends all the way to the edge of the parking lot. Off restaurant grounds, your rule extends to a radius of 10 feet around you in any direction.

Wow. First off, I really can’t believe I wrote all of that down. Second, I can’t believe some idiot came up with all of this. Yeah, I’m a fan of Burger King and will continue to rock a crown when I go there, but I don’t need some douchebag to tell me how to act when wearing it.

I admit, there are some cool powers Burger King came up with for it like controlling the TV and what not, but what the hell is the Three Second Law all about? Any goon could slap this thing off your head at any time and yep, you’re fucked.

Imagine if the laws of the crown were valid in real life? Could you work for your boss if they rocked a crown everyday at work? I know I’d be plotting each day on ways to dethrone them. It’d be amazing. I could hide behind a door and form tackle them into their desk. Once I threw the crown on, they’d be my bitch according to the powers of the crown.

Imagine rocking the crown to a football game and reserving the right to kick people out of their seats at the 50-yard line. I’m so down. Or imagine using the powers of the crown to designate a beer bitch.

Wow. I just reconvinced myself that the laws of the crown are pretty bad ass indeed. The best part is I bet there is a way to make Burger King liable for anything you do with it on, right? We’ll find out at The Meeting Of The Minds in NYC during Columbus Day weekend. More to come on that event…


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Music, Video
Sep12009

Them Crooked Vultures: Tour Dates

Those beautiful bastards are back at it. The next snippet of their epic marketing campaign has been released, 37 seconds of the song “Elephant”.

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

But more interesting a small handful of tour dates have just been announced. Get on it while you can, these fuckers are gonna sell out tickets in record time.

  • 10-01 Austin, TX – Stubb’s
  • 10-02 Austin, TX – Austin City Limits Festival
  • 10-05 Nashville, TN – War Memorial
  • 10-06 Columbus, OH – LC Pavilion
  • 10-08 Detroit, MI – The Fillmore
  • 10-09 Toronto, Ontario – The Sound Academy
  • 10-11 Boston, MA – House of Blues
  • 10-12 Philadelphia, PA – The Electric Factory
  • 10-14 Washington, DC – 930 Club
  • 12-10 Plymouth, England – Pavilions
  • 12-11 Portsmouth, England – Guildhall
  • 12-13 Blackpool, England – Empress Ballroom
  • 12-14 Birmingham, England – O2 Academy
  • 12-15 Edinburgh, Scotland – O2 Academy
  • 12-17 London, England – HMV Hammersmith Apollo


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Stupid Stuff
Sep12009

Truck Nuts: A Brief History

I would like to talk to you all today about something that was created several years ago and has been all the craze with redneck truck owners. They dangle off the back of your vehicle, come in different sizes, colors and shapes. I’m talking about Truck Nuts. The stupid fucking balls you see dangling off the back of pick-up trucks, SUV’s and your grandma.

trucknuts Truck Nuts: A Brief History

Truck Nuts were born somewhere in the Deep South. It’s not officially known the exact birthplace but it’s somewhere that stinks like ball sweat and where they still believe that it’s ok to fuck your siblings. The idea was conceived after 2 brothers named Cletus and Jed polished off 2 and a half cases of Bud in an afternoon between 11am and 1:45pm on a Tuesday. Cletus claimed that his truck had bigger balls than Jed’s. Of course Jed begged to differ. So after a couple fist fights and makeout sessions later the 2 decided to put their trucks to the test. They would start over at the old Pigpusher barn, race down past Klan Creek up through Mr. Toothless’ junkyard and finish off at the Clappers strip joint.

Instead of me describing the race, I will copy and paste here half of the first verse to The Distance by Cake.

Reluctantly crouched at the starting line,
Engines pumping and thumping in time.
The green light flashes, the flags go up.
Churning and burning, they yearn for the cup.
They deftly maneuver and muscle for rank,
Fuel burning fast on an empty tank.
Reckless and wild, they pour through the turns.
Their prowess is potent and secretly stearn.
As they speed through the finish, the flags go down.

That was a good filler to waste time just like Family Guy does ever to often. Ok, Back to the story…

So the brothers end up at Clappers and there is still no clear cut winner. So they decide to finish this over a couple of strippers and beers. It’s about 3pm on that same Tuesday and Cletus and Jeb’s favorite stripper is performing. As they walk into the bar, Cletus is approached by his wife Bessie who is also his sister and part time daughter. She is all irate about him going in to see his favorite stripper, Mary-Lou aka “Diamond” aka his other sister again. After a couple minutes of a heated exchange of words between the 2, Bessie storms off to her pickup and pulls out her ol’ trusty double barrel, aims it at Cletus’ nutsack, pulls the trigger and boom…straight off.

After all the commotion of Cletus losing his balls then tragically dying from blood loss, no one can seem to find his nutsack anywhere. The Sheriff eventually shows up and everyone is looking for Cletus’ missing coin purse. As they were about to give up, Jeb asks the Sheriff to go to the back of Cletus’ pickup truck and fetch them all a beer. As the Sheriff approaches the truck, he see’s Cletus’ balls dangling off the back of the truck. Cletus had officially won and Truck Nuts were officially born.

So, if you are down South and see a pair of old crusty balls hanging from the back of a truck, you will know and remember ol’ Cletus. He sacrificed his balls so that every other redneck out can place them on their truck, in different colors and shapes, to let the world know that they themselves have no balls.


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Movies, Somewhat Historial Significance
Sep12009

Hollywood And It’s Lack Of Revolutionary War Movies

Revolutionary War Hollywood And Its Lack Of Revolutionary War Movies

How come there is a severe lack of Revolutionary War movies? We have 1776 and the Patriot. WWII has more movies than I can even count, same with Vietnam. Even Desert Storm has movies. The Civil War got a glorious theatrical release by Ted Turner with 2, 4 hour epics. What gives? I thought this was America?

It’s easily the most important war in this nation’s history. Without it, we wouldn’t be here right now. Come on Hollywood, churn out the definitive Revolution movie and stop raping our childhood for movie ideas (Scooby Doo, Garfield, Transformers, G.I. Joe, etc.) enough is enough!

While were at it, why not make some great first person shooter games that deal with the Revolutionary War? What would be more fufilling than bucking red coats with musket balls and watching powdered whigs go flying? A Civil War game of the same style would be equally incredible. One where you get to pick which side you fight on.  Shit, i’d even take a game based soley on Pickett’s charge. My only stipulation would be that at some point in the game Robert E. Lee compliments both your fighting and your facial hair in his southern gentlemanly voice.


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