The Captains Memos was born during a highly intense swashbuckling duel between 2 invincible salty dogs. During one of their 15 minute breaks (Come on everyone needs a break every now and then) they came up with an idea on how to make peoples lives better.

Swashbuckling in the streets of Mexico

They had to let the world know. Since being stranded on an island, they created a vessel out of some tree branches, bubble gum, an old rusty muffler from a 1973 Plymouth Satellite and a pack post-it notes. Using their super pirate skills, they completed the vessel in about 37 hours and 53 minutes. Mind you they were swashbuckling the entire time they were building because they will always be enemies.

Once they sailed and arrived at the nearest port of Puerto Vallarta, Mexico they got extremely shitfaced and knocked up several local hookers. Their names not to be disclosed for legal reasons. Nine months later, the Mexican hookers had six five extremely angry babies. The Captains Memos were officially born. Mind you, the Captains are not Mexican, just their whore mothers are. If you would like to know more about each Captain, please read their bio below.

Warning: Some of their stories might be extremely stupid.

Captain Yar
The moment Yar dropped out of his Mexican mommy, he was hell bent on destruction. The doctor who birthed Yar had never seen a baby born with an eye patch before and questioned this. Baby Yar immediately sliced his ass in half. About 2-300 years later after being kicked out of a Jeopardy taping for bringing an airhorn, Yar was eating a pepperoni pizza hot pocket when he burnt himself. So enraged by the event, he took a plane to the Hot Pocket factory and held them hostage. After several hours of negotiation with the police, he agreed to take place in TheCaptainsMemos.com. I did forget to mention that he originally chose prison over The Captains Memos, but no prison would take him, so he had no other option. So, to this day, Captain Yar has been attending anger management, alcohol anonymous, and swashbuckling addiction meetings and he is progressing. Help us by reading his and the other Captains Memos.

Captain Kirk
In the late 20th century, Captain Kirk awoke in a cleared corn field, a few husks surrounding his bruised body. Suffering from a case of amnesia, he could not recall his past nor where he was destined to go. Mounting the first mountain lion to walk past, this furry mode of transportation lead him to the ocean where he was recruited to escort a ship across the Atlantic. Half way out to sea, the ship was attacked and boarded by a fearless group of outlaws, known at sea as pirates. Kirk chose not to fight, and was spared his life if he decided to join the pirates in the reckless assault on innocent lives. A smell from one of the other outlaws, known to his shipmates as Yar, quickly caught Kirk by surprise, as Yar followed through with a cupped fart in Kirk’s face – known on this ship as a Hadukan, knocking him out cold. As Kirk’s eyes opened, his memory awoke as well. Kirk had been left for dead by a ruthless country singer by the name of Ted Nugent, whom Yar also had a vengence for. They teamed up and scoured the seven seas. On their journey, they crossed a young Captain Polish, whom they dragged away from Texas – where he had been trapped by his paranoia of farts. The three stole a vessel from Captain Flintheart, who quickly caught them at the next town pub. Flintheart decided to join their mission after finding out the villain they were after. The four made on oath to find Ted Nugent and defeat him. And to finance the mission, TCM was created.

Captain Polish
The lone Polish-speaking pirate planted the seed that bore Captain Polish. Born is not the best word to describe Polish’s origins, he bum rushed out of the Mexican whores womb and dominated the nearest bathroom (potty-training be damned). Young Polish took up drinking, competitive eating, and fighting at the young age of five often against older, more experienced, fatter pirates along the Gulf of Mexico. At age 18, Young Polish ended up in New Orleans drinking Absynthe and wrestling in the streets Luche Libre style daily. The young sea hags of the city clinged to Young Polish until he was able to master them with a 2 x 4 ultimately earning his Captainship. Captain Polish continued to travel across the seas dominating minions in Luche Libre, drinking excessively, and giving out hadukens to all within reach until one haduken backfired and sent him sprawling for cover in a Texas whorehouse. To this day, Captain Polish still remains in Texas waiting to break free after years worth of paranoia of his own farts.

Captain Flintheart
Captain Flintheart was once a long shore man in Detroit who was forced by the foreman to give up his one true passion: ball room dancing with monkeys dressed like high class french hookers. This drove him to a year long bender (which culminated with both of the following highlights: AIDS and a brief guest spot on “Family Ties”). To capitalize on his notoriety he was briefly considered for a role on “That 80’s Show”, but following the cancellation of the series after 3 episodes he convinced the catholic heavy metal band, Stryper to be his crew, help him find religion, and hit the high seas. It was this experience that helped spark his admiration of the first Indiana Jones movie which he strongly believes was a documentary (and has since dismissed the rest of the series as Hollywood tom foolery) leading him to finance multiple expeditions to find the Arc of the Covenant. To this day he still pilots this vessel and has recently signed fromer acter Alf as first mate. Captain Flintheart is also pursuing a degree in graphic design and interior decorating through the online University of Phoenix.