Animals that are specifically designed to kill shit

Well since many of you enjoyed my last post about sharks, I will continue to entertain.

In today’s episode we will be talking about bears. Bears are goddamn beasts. If you see a bear you are usually doing 1 of 2 things. Either shitting yourself scared or being pummeled/eaten to death by the bear. There is no compromise in the world of bears.

I would like to bring you back to 1997 and quickly talk about a movie called The Edge starring Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin. I’ll give you a second to IMDB that shit… Yea, that movie. If any of you have seen it you know that that was quite possibly the Jaws of bear movies. Quick synopsis: Men fly plane into a bunch of birds in Alaska, they crash, survive and then become hunted by a kodiak bear that could compare to the size of a Brachiosaurus. Let’s just say the bear gets a hold of one of the men (the cripple from Oz) and rips that fucker to shreds. Eventually though, the bear is killed by Hopkins. The bear doesn’t explode but is rather impaled on a big stick. I think a re-make of Jaws is needed but instead of a shark, yep you guessed it, a bear. Cut. Print. Blockbuster.

Now before I move on to actually discussing about this majestic ball of lethal fur, I want to touch upon another bear movie called The Grizzly Man. Timothy Treadwell was bear shit crazy. He would travel to Alaska for periods of time to live with the Grizzly bears who knows doing what. I for one think he had some sort of crazy fetish for bears…kind of like a furry fetish, where people dress up like animals and have crazy furry sex. The only problem with doing that with a real bear is that a real bear can really rip your dick off. That’s an enormous problem in my book. Mr. Treadwell apparently overcame that fear and did it anyways. According to the legend, a bear became Treadwell’s stalker. After several repeated tries from Treadwell to call the police with a restraining order, he said enough was enough. He approached the bear and told him to stop stalking him. The bear obliged, or so he thought. Treadwell was sleeping one night and that same bear came along, drunk and hungry one night looking for revenge for the humiliation Treadwell had put on him. So what did the bear do? He did what any bear would do, he ate the fucker…and his girlfriend. What’s the lesson for that story? Don’t fuck bears, they will eat you.

There are many type of bears, some more dangerous than others. North America has the Grizzly and Kodiak Bear, Antarctica has the Polar Bear, but I want to discuss a bear that is little known to culture. The Drop Bear. Some call this the world’s most dangerous bear. They reside in Australia and are only about the size of a large Koala. They are no Koala. They are vicious, calculating, cold-blooded killers. I can see you scratching your head asking, “How can this be the world’s most dangerous bear?” I will respond, “Well, I will tell you but you didn’t let me finish.”

The Drop Bear primarily lives in trees throughout the Australian Outback and is known for attacking it’s prey by jumping onto their head and unleashing a tornado of teeth, fur and claws. From time to time the bear will be seen running on 2 legs but for optimal speed it will be on all 4 legs. It has been clocked at a lightning fast 52mph which gives the Cheetah of African fame a run for it’s money. It is led to believe that the Australian government is trying to keep this animal a secret due to the hysteria and negative effect on tourism that it could cause. Many deaths from this animal have been covered up due to this fear. I have sources that tell me Emelia Earheart was a victim of a Drop Bear. Story is, she landed in the Outback for an emergency shitpiss. She landed, squatted under a tree and the Drop Bear attacked. Apparently all that was left was a backpack, toilet paper, some torn clothes and a pair of smoking boots. But to this day people still don’t know the truth.

Use these precautions when in the habitat of the Drop Bear:

1. Don’t wear bright colored clothing.
2. Don’t have any roast beef sandwiches on you, this attracts the bear like a crackhead on a dropped penny.
3. Be sure to always carry a gun. Guns are the Drop Bear’s only weakness.
4. Never, ever, take a shitpiss under a tree or you will wind up like Ms. Earheart. If you do have to take a shitpiss, do it in a scorpion hole…they are much safer compared to the Drop Bear.
5. If you see a Drop Bear on the ground, don’t run, they will catch you. Instead take out your gun and shoot the fucker. If you don’t have a gun, well you didn’t listen to me and now you are dead.
6. Be sure to stay out of their habitat between the months of April and August, as this is their mating season. The last thing you want is a Drop Bear to kill you then fuck you. Pure humiliation.

I hope if you are ever in the Australian Outback you will use these precautions, they will save your life.

Bears were specifically designed to kill shit. Sure they are cuddly and cute when they are cubs, but remember…those cubs will grow up to be a gigantic mass of fur, teeth and death and they will not for one second, hesitate to take a huge shit on you.