If you haven’t noticed we here at TCM like to try out new things. We have brought you such compelling series as Random Pastime Moment of the Day, Underrated Musical Instruments and always a crowd favorite, Social Characters. We would like to introduce to you today, Animals That Are Specifically Designed To Kill Shit.
The inaugural animal we will be discussing today is the shark. Sharks are one of the top badass animals on this planet, right next to a Velociraptor and El Chupacabra. Sharks are living missiles designed to strike and kill with deadly force and accuracy.
Ok, let’s say you are taking a nice refreshing swim with a bunch of your friends off the coast of South Africa (cause you know we all have) and you are enjoying yourself thoroughly. A few minutes pass and your friends get out of the water but you stay because you are relaxed floating on your back, arms and legs spread out with not a care in the world. Well my friend what is going to happen to you in the next several seconds will end your life because you are fucking retarded. Who in their right mind goes swimming off the coast of South Africa in the first place? Its the Great White capital of the world, and secondly why are you floating on your back with your arms and legs spread out…you are just inviting a Great White to come and bite your fat ass in half…o yea did I mention you were fat and wearing a bright orange bathing suit? Well you are.
You close your eyes and the next sensation you feel is like a tomahawk missile covered in jagged nails smack you full force in your back and you are air born with blood draining out of you like a drunk taking a never ending piss. You come crashing in the water blood all around and you not knowing what just happened. I will tell you what just happened…your ass just got saaaaaacked. So to shorten this visualization up, you try to swim to safety, but the Great White eats you. end.
If you are the person described above, you rank #6 on our Top 10 most badass ways to die. So go ahead, check out our shameless promotion of past posts.
The names given to sharks are most excellent just in their own right. Let’s run down a quick list of some sweet shark names that I would be proud to call my kids:
- Great White – The king of the oceans, and it’s quite obvious that a white man named this shark. It’s also saddening to know there is no Great Black Shark…the creatures of the sea are now only limited to country music, classic rock and re-runs of The Dukes of Hazzard.
- Bull Shark – This fucker can swim in both salt and fresh water and has the highest testosterone levels of any shark. That equals out to about 3 Stallone’s, 1.5 Schwarzenegger’s and 16 roid-raged ex-boyfriends.
- Tiger Shark – Here’s a plan, go catch a hobo then go and catch this shark. Cut both their stomach’s open and I guarantee in both you will find a license plate, a few fish heads and pieces of Rachel Ray.
- Hammerhead – Just pray that Mexican’s can’t use their hammers as deadly as these guys can.
- Megamouth – No no, it’s not your girlfriend, it’s a shark. Too bad it’s an awesome ass name for a pussy ass shark.
- Alligator Shark – What the fuck. An alligator shark!? What asshole named this? Sharks and alligators can’t have babies with each other, it’s un-natural.
- Monkey-mouthed Shark – You know this shark is near when you smell bananas and hear their distinct monkey call. It kind of sounds like a fat guy discovering he has a penis for the first time.
- Whiskery Shark – An Irishman was diving to fish one day and brought along his sack o’ whiskey. A shark came out of the deep took his whiskey sack and was never to be seen again…until one day the same man walked into a bar and there was the shark ordering up the man’s favorite whiskey. The two became best friends after that.
- Arabian Carpet Shark – If you are lucky to find one of these, hop on it’s back for a magical ride. They will grant you 3 wishes as well. The first is to be wealthy for life, the second is to be healthy and the third is to GET ME THE FUCK OFF THIS SHARK!
- Cocktail shark – Named after the always excellent Tom Cruise movie. What else did you think I was going to say?
All in all, sharks are quite a majestic animal. They swim, eat, poop, fuck and apparently some fly. So next time you see a shark in the water, don’t splash around like a legless retard trying to swim for the first time…you may just be their cocktail hour.
I am currently working on a genetic mutation of great white shark which will have M60 machine gun turrets on its pectoral fins… It’s Latin name is “Badus Motherfuckus”…
Oh, but you have left out the most fearsome of all the sharks in the world. He is referred to somply as…”Counsellor”.
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