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Author's Treasure Chest
Feb182009
So what?
Everywhere you look there is a story about Alex Rodriguez and his steriod use. So what? The guy made a mistake. Big deal. But it is a big deal to everyone in the sports world…
Did you know that the list of modern day superstars that might not make the Hall of Fame consists of Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Roger Clemens, and Alex Rodriguez? What’s a HOF when you’re already missing the man with the most hits (Pete Rose) and now you can’t have the guy with the most career homers (Bonds), the first man to break Maris’s 61 homers (McGwire), the dude with the most 60 home run seasons (Sosa), the winningest right-handed pitcher in 50 years (Clemens), and the youngest person to amass 500 home runs (Rodriguez)? This ain’t right or is it?
Yes. These guys took steroids. There’s no doubting that. TCM commends A-Rod for having the balls to come forward to admit it unlike Clemens, Bonds, and McGwire (I bet all three are wishing they took a different route). But you know, when it all comes down to it, these guys didn’t do anything wrong.
In baseball, players have always seeked any edge they could find to one-up themselves against their opponents. In the dead ball era, pitchers “doctored” the ball so it would dance (and so did Kenny Rogers in the 2006 WS). Ted Williams was the first to wear batting gloves to improve his grip (later in his career). Eye black is used by many to reduce glare. Modern day ball players add so much body armor that they don’t mind being hit with a ball. Why is this all different than steroids?
It isn’t. MLB took strides to maintain the games integrity when it seemed fit. Now is that time and MLB doesn’t know what to do with this current situation of steroids.
None of these players that took steroids should deserve the wrap they’re getting. MLB never had a stance on steroids until now. They have no right to criticize these players because this act, steroids, was overlooked as baseball recovered from a very dramatic strike, a strike that the home runs hit by two who juiced helped a nation forget.
So maybe it’s time to turn away from blaming the baseball players and begin focusing on the MLB itself. It’s also time to release the names of the 103 other players that tested positive for steroids as well. We have a right to know. Not to bad mouth the guys, but to separate fact from fiction.
So writers and other people who suck, let A-Rod off the hook. Give him a pat on the back. He actually helped break the story of the decade – “MLB Concerned With Profit, Expansion, Image – Forgets Humility, Past, Integrity.”
Feb182009
Who is Walter Sobchak?
Walter Sobchak is a true American. Walter Sobchak watched his buddies die face down in the mud so we can enjoy or coffee. Not to be obnoxious, sacrilegious, crude, or any other term you can conjure, but Walter Sobchak changed my life. But who is he?
Walter is the Dude’s best friend, and Donny’s biggest critic, in the Big Lebowski. Walter is a fictional character, but there should be a some part of him in all of us.
Walter Sobchak once beat three nihilists with his bare hands and a bowling ball.
Walter Sobchak once wrecked the car of someone he never met because he accused him of fucking a stranger in the ass.
Walter Sobchak once rolled on Shabas even though he’s Jewish.
You get the point.
TCM’s advice to all our readers is to learn more about Walter and god willing, when you’re ready, check out this festival, if you can handle it.
We’re a bit behind, but give us a break. We’ve been posting for 5 days and have years worth of shit to get up here!
Feb152009
How to give a haduken
Have you ever tried to fart on someone before? Did it work? Were you upset with the outcome? Well my friends, next time try a haduken.
What is a haduken you might ask? Well, if you’re well versed in Street Fighter, you’d know the haduken is one of Ryu and Ken’s special moves where they throw a massive fire ball at you:
A haduken actually has a hidden meaning in the land of farts. A haduken is a secret weapon you can use to up-end enemies, embarass your girlfriends, or surprise your buddies.
To give a haduken, follow these easy steps:
- Prepare – you prepare like you would for any fart, but this time you need to put a hand behind your bum in order to “catch the fart.”
- Fart – self explanatory
- Catch – leave your hand behind your bum to catch the whole fart. Many people use “the cup” method for a higher catch rate.
- Throw – move your hand from your bum to the facial region of the enemy, girlfriend, or buddy you will be hadukening. At this point, it is very appropriate to yell “Haduken!” at the top of your lungs.
Giving out hadukens is a lot of fun and will make you the life of the party. We suggest these common situations for hadukens: the office party, a crowded bar, an elevator, anywhere in the mall, and anywhere else you feel the need to one-up someone.
So go out and spread the word on hadukens. After all, how funny is farting?
Feb142009
What I really wanted to be when I grew up.
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I never wanted to do this for a living. I wanted to crush skulls, give intense interviews, and run around like a madman.
Is there any doubt that the Ultimate Warrior was probably the coolest mother fucker when you were about 8 years old? The man was insane. No one knew where he came from. He was from parts unknown. Where is parts unknown? It’s like saying your from east Guam. Where the hell is east Guam?
The Warrior’s interviews made me want to jump through a wall and they still do. I typically listen to one when I’m about to go into a meeting at work. This gives me the power to bum rush any asshole I work with if its needed. If my boss gives me any shit about it, I’ll let her know the Warrior told me to do. She’ll know exactly what I mean. She may even ask why I didn’t use the Hurricane Press instead.
Got a favorite Warrior story? Let’s here it.
Feb142009
Manatees Are Ruining the Game of Golf
That’s right, those huge bastards are ruining the game of golf. Manatees all over Florida are uniting to piss retirees off. An easier way to do this is to drive fast, remember what you ordered from a restaurant, and have control over all of your bowel movements.
But why is this happening?
Manatees, known as sea cows, believe they can play at a high level, the same high level as their half brother Phil Mickelson. There’s no questioning their claim. When Mickelson blew up in the US Open years ago it was because a Manatee choir broke out in celebration too quickly at the Winged Foot private party room apparently pissing off the staff. Phil’s hoping that his kin staff calm, cool and collective for his lame attempt for a Masters jacket in April.
On a related note, today is Valentines Day. Take a moment to think back at all the Manatees you once sweated over for Valentines then punch yourself in the nuts for doing it. Contrary to popular belief, Manatees are not hot.
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