Awhile back, our very own Captain Kirk posted his guide to picking up girls. Now, TCM would like to show you how Captain James T. Kirk (of the U.S.S. Enterprise fame) handles those lonely intergalactic nights in space.
Author's Treasure Chest
I saw this in a dollar store. Yup, an honest to goodness all American, red, white and blue Dollar store. I’m not even sure where to start. First of all, the toy is not even an Indiana Jones style fedora; it’s a plastic cowboy hat. Second, they made no attempt to even disguise the fact that this is CLEARLY Indiana Jones. All the manufacturers did was draw generic Spanish facial hair on Harrison Ford. Worse yet, it looks like the tried to transform his whip into the handle of some sort of fire arm, yet they didn’t air brush out or even try to cover up the fact that the other part of his whip is behind his head. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw this; it’s absurd and outrageous. It’s a good thing George Lucas doesn’t know about this, or these guys would be living in card board boxes cleaning up Bantha shit for living.
With the new Transformers movie a few weeks away, I’d like to bring up an interesting point we stumbled across. Why is there no female Decepticons? There is at least one female Autobot. I was always under the impression that the Transformers just made each other in the back lab. Where else did so many come from once the handful of them crashed on earth? Furthermore, if they could just create each other what’s the deal with the Decepticons lack of women? No wonder they are so fucking pissed off all the time. It’s like if a bunch of male inmates on death row sentences occupied an island with other male inmates. In fact, Cybertron is really one big prison yard. Their entire civil war is probably over that one female. That’s really unfortunate because I’d wager Megatron can transform into much more personal and pleasurable items than just a handheld gun.
Arcades these days are either non-existent or full of weird virtual reality games. Have you ever seen the one where you kick the soccer ball on a string? Do you REALLY want to pay money for that? I wanted to highlight a game that I spent more allowances on that any game ever, I’m talking about the X-Men Arcade game.
This game allows 6 players to play at once (or 4 depending on which console your local Arcade had). It includes 4 great characters, Nightcrawler, Cyclops, Wolverine, and Colossus and 2 of the pussiest characters in video game history, Storm and the Dazzler. I guess Storm is ok, but the Dazzler…really? You couldn’t have chosen any other character? To make it worse she really is piss poor in the game too. Anyway, you just beat up and destroy a lot of shit; it’s got great villains too. Oh, and I guess Professor Xavier got kidnapped by Magneto, but do you really care? 6 fucking people can play at once! Need I say more?
The other game I’d like to highlight is the Simpson’s arcade game. Does anyone remember the time when Fox mass marketed the shit out of that show? I had Simpson’s bed sheets and my brother had a Bart shirt that said, “Don’t Have a Cow Man” (Yawn). This game was easily the best thing to be merchandized by them. You can play as Bart, Homer, Lisa and Marge all of whom (except Homer) use house hold items as weapons. Maggie has been kidnapped (sound familiar?). Basically, you travel all around Springfield beating people to death and there are bonus rounds after each level where compete against the other players. What could be better? This game is a stone cold classic. If anyone has ever played either of the Simpson’s games for Nintendo, you will understand why this arcade game is being praised.
If either of these games were ported to a home video game system they would have a made a killing. Alas, you can now only find them in run down Arcades or Arcades that cater to retro games.
Honorable mention: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (the arcade version)
Hankering for your Rick Moranis fix lately?
He hasn’t scaled the peaks of excellence with the likes of Ghostbusters and Spaceballs in almost 2 decades, although he certainly is around. In 2005, Moranis released “the Agoraphobic Cowboy”, a comedy country album. No…this isn’t a joke, it’s serious. Maybe the joke is on us?
I like Paul Newman movies. I’ve only seen a handful but trust me; I’d drink a beer with Newman over James Dean any day (the other so called rebel). The more I’ve been thinking about it, EVERY Paul Newman movie I’ve seen he plays a “troubled” alcoholic. Let’s take a retrospective look at each alcoholic persona he’s portrayed.
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (1958) – The classic, “still can’t let go of the glory days” alcoholic. Newman plays a former football star who’s best friend fucks his wife (Elizabeth Taylor when she was hot) and commits suicide.
Badass Factor: It takes Newman 2 bottles of Bourbon over the course of 6 or 7 hours to begin to get drunk. Elizabeth Taylor tells him he’s become more attractive since he took up the bottle.
The Hustler (1961) – Newman plays an alcoholic drifter and big time pool hustler. This time we see the “depressed and despaired” alcoholic. Newman drinks because he has nothing else to live for, no family, friends, permanent residence or work trade. The only way he can live is by making money off of pool games.
Badass Factor: A high stakes pool game(s) against Minnesota Fats (Jackie Gleason) that goes on for 25 hours straight after Newman drowns an entire bottle of Bourbon.
Hud (1963) – Who says cattle ranchers can’t be alcoholics? In Hud, Newman plays the “self absorbed” alcoholic. He’s only interested in drinking, women and having a good time…with women…when he’s drinking.
Badass Factor: Inadvertently, Newman kills his brother by drunk driving, gets into countless bar fights, almost rapes the house keeper and inadvertently kills his dad, than goes home and drinks!
Cool Hand Luke (1967) – I’m not so sure if he’s an alcoholic in this movie, since it mostly takes place in jail. However, in the first second of the movie Newman is drunk and cutting off the tops of parking meters. Let’s just say that he is an alcoholic and this time it’s of the “I don’t give a fuck” variety. He does what he wants, when he wants.
Badass Factor: More or less the entire movie and Newman’s inability to give in or give up.
There’s also a movie from 1982 called the Verdict, where Newman played a washed up alcoholic lawyer. I’m still waiting for E-Bay to mail my copy. If anyone has seen it, please feel free to do a write up and send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Here’s to Paul Newman, giving us reason to drink and making alcoholics feel better all over the world.
When you were a kid did you ever sit around in your underwear in your basement jacked up on Ecto Cooler and try to belligerently murder the laughing dog in Nintendo’s Duck Hunt? Hell, I just liked the fact that I could use a gun in the comfort of my own home. I often wondered if it was feasible to “beat” Duck Hunt and whether or not it had a finite ending. I always got to around level 25 and threw in the towel. Now, with the wonders of youtube we can finally see what happens when you advance to level 100 without having to do any of the work.
How can we possess technology that allows men to not just travel in Space but to walk on the moon, yet we can’t figure out how to build a vending machine that accepts a slightly creased dollar bill? Now, I’ve never claimed to be an engineer, a mechanic, a scientist, or even smart for that matter. However, I refuse to believe that in 2009 we don’t have that technology available to us. In 1897, we were able to install a transatlantic telegraph line across the Atlantic Ocean to allow primitive international communication with England. Vending Machines though, that’s another issue. Why does the dollar have to be inserted George Washington’s ugly ass mug side up? America is not a country dominated by dollar coins…please take note of this Vending Machine Corporations and adjust.
Recently, upgrades have been made to the way the machines vend. Who cares if my ice cream is sucked out by a vacuum, my drink is placed on a neat little bridge and moved down or my pizza made fresh? I want you to take my dollar on my first try and not reduce me to an incoherent babbling violent idiot. Help me Obiwan Obama, you’re our only hope.