Welcome to TCM’s official preview of the 2011 Super Bowl provided by your favorite sport’s guy Dr. Dave who has, in four weeks, worked his way up to the ranks to become Captain Short Bus. I pictured the Capt. Short Bus part spoken loudly and with lots of reverb and an explosion sound effect behind it. If you didn’t hear it that way please go back and reread it.
Anyways, let me start by apologizing for the lack of a column last week. In addition to the lavish Captaining ceremony we at TCM had in my honor my cat got my neighbor’s cat pregnant so I had to perform a late-term abortion in my basement using a coat hanger and some shitty vodka. About halfway through it actually turned into a bloody cat disposal mission and an anonymous apology letter. It turns out the whole thing was a complete waste of time because my cat is neutered…and also a girl. Anyways this brings me to another failed abortion (mmm…delicious segue) also known as the Pro Bowl. A couple of years ago the NFL figured out that no one was watching the Pro Bowl and they figured that this had to do with the game being the weekend after the Super Bowl. They reckoned that following the Super Bowl no one gave a flying fuck about football in general. So, in a fit sudden onset Downs’ syndrome they moved the game up to the weekend before the Super Bowl, traditionally used by John Madden to masturbate in marathon fashion to old photos of Brett Farve. Yay! Shockingly this has not increased viewership. I guess that’s because the Pro Bowl is a watered down pussification of football as a whole and is thus much more disappointing than one could possibly imagine. So what’s wrong with the game you ask? Well for starters members of the league’s two best teams (i.e. the Super Bowl contenders) don’t play in the Pro Bowl anymore so, fucking awesome! Now I don’t get to see Aaron Rodgers or Greg Jennings. I am also deprived the privilege that is seeing Ben Rothlisberger rape a lucky fan under the bleachers during halftime. James Harrison and Troy Polamalu are also out as well. So now I also miss seeing a member of the NFC team get decapitated. Not that it matters because of complaint number 2 which is that like in so many other All-Star events (NBA, NHL, World Ping-Pong Assoc.) defense is essentially forgotten during the Pro Bowl. So why the fuck do we vote them in anyways? I want to see the best players in the game play against one another and by not playing defense they eliminate half of the game. Goddammit I want to see someone get crushed! The worst part about all of this is that even the players know that they aren’t going to get hit hard so they play like a bunch of pussies. If we want to see a game that is entirely offense why don’t we just start electing the worst defensive players to the Pro Bowl because at least that way the defense will still try a little while they are getting shit on. But since the offense’s guard is down the Pro Bowl would be the perfect time for some angry motherfucker to just lay out a quarterback during his 12-step drop and put him into a coma!? It won’t happen though because no one is old school anymore. Remember Pete Rose? This motherfucker wanted to win every game he played, including the All-Star game. Do any of you remember (or remember hearing about) when Pete Rose eviscerated that catcher during the All-Star game back in the late 70’s? That was awesome! He fucking ended that dude’s career in order to win an exhibition game and when he was questioned about it he said he was “just trying to win the game”. That’s why Charlie Hustle was the best. He didn’t fucking care about your feelings, he played to win the game. The world needs more Pete Roses these days…well, minus the degenerate gambling addiction. Point of fact: Pete Rose was so inspirational to young Americans that nearly every retard in this country sports his haircut to this very day.
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