As the title says.
As the title says.
Well, why don’t you buy the Amityville Horror House? Yes folks, the infamous house that Ronald DeFeo Jr. murdered six family members in 1974 is up for sale for a cool $1.15 million. You will be glad to know that the house does not come with bleeding walls, swarms of flies or a demon pig named Jodie. It does however come with a boat house, 3 and a half baths and sits right on the water. Not bad for once a house that was apparently haunted as shit and was originally bought for $80,000.
Here is what the current house looks like:
Pretty nice house considering 35 years ago some pretty sketchy shit went on.
Good lookin’ Hot Dog.
Have you ever seen or heard of that TV show, “Say Yes to the Dress”? If you have then you know it is a goddamn shit show. These cunt bag bridezilla’s go to this world famous wedding dress shop and find their “dream dress”. But of course not without consulting their mom, their grandmother, their aunt, their best friend, their neighbor and that homeless woman who lives down the block that always seems to be wasted on Montezuma Tequila and wearing a new pair of shoes. So after everyone’s approval, they shell out anywhere between $5,000 and like $20,000 for a dress they will wear once. Once.
You see, the great thing about being the groom is you can rent your tuxedo and return it when you are done with it. Plain and simple. You don’t have to go and get it dry cleaned and then have it properly folded so it sits nicely on the shelf in a box never to be opened again. Unless you get divorced…or really pissed at your wife.
Well, this guy just so happened to get divorced and his wife did not take along her wedding dress. So instead of throwing it out, this man decided he would make full use out of it. Like using it as a grill cover, sporting event sign, MC Hammer pants and a homeless blanket. He is trying to get 101 uses out of it but isn’t quite there yet. I figure I would help him out. Here’s #101: Drench the wedding dress in chloroform and smother your ex-wife with it. You see what I did there? Yep. Just did.
In all honesty if I was him, what I would have done is immediately wiped my ass with the dress, wiped my dogs ass, piss on it, have my dog piss on it, then burn it listening to this while drinking Montezuma Tequila with the homeless woman mentioned above. But that’s just me. I suppose he wants to hang on to it for as long as possible. Sad? No. Just give the man some time.
Reality TV sucks for the most part. There are some exceptions: The Jersey Shore, Bio Dome and Deadliest Catch. A new reality show, not by FOX but by Comedy Central, will be coming soon to our television sets. This one has the ingredients to be fantastic. Remember Steel Panther? Yea, it’s about those guys.
Not entirely sure what it is about but you can bet your ass I’ll be watching it. One can only assume it will involve sex, drugs, rock and roll, kookie hyjinx, and you can damn well be sure that a lot of boobs will be present.
Good looking out Doug.
Watch the amazing debut of rookie pitching sensation, “Roho” Johnson.
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Fruitman to the rescue.
If you have ever watched wrestling on TV, you will know that each wrestler has their own special “finishing move” to essentially win them the match after it is executed. Some are quite cool. And some aren’t.
Now what if that carried over into the real world, like everyone was born with their own individual finisher. You would only use it when necessary. It would be on your drivers license next to your height and weight. It would be something like this:
Height: 6′ 7″
Finisher: The Yarosaurus
Does Not Need Glasses
You get the idea. I bet the question your asking is, “What is the Yarosaurus?” Well, I shall explain. I was born with it so I am the only one who possesses this finisher. It is walking up to someone, punching them in the face, then kicking them in the groin region, picking them up when they are bent over due to the kick and throwing them into on coming traffic. It gets the 3 count every time…trust me.
Maybe just life in general should be more like professional wrestling. Like when a friend shows up at your house, they have an entrance theme song and video playing in the background. My theme song would be Death to All But Metal by Steel Panther and the video would be me just bitch slapping everyone as I walk down a crowded NYC street. Kind of like the music video for Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve but a hell of a lot more violent. I personally think the world would be a better place. Think about it, 2 countries are in dispute over a piece of land; the next step would be to go to war, correct? Wrong. Have both presidents dress up in their wrestling attire and showdown in the squared circle. The winner gets the piece of land. Now that’s a lot more fun than war.
Also, everyone should carry around a microphone to call people out if they have beef with one another. Here is a real world example: My hypothetical daughter just recently broke up with her boyfriend and he wants her back. So he shows up at our house unannounced, and stands on the front lawn. He breaks out his microphone and starts to call for her to come outside. Little does this douchebag know, she isn’t home. So BAM! On comes my theme song and video and out I come from the front door. The kid shits himself, drops his microphone and runs. “Don’t worry junior, we will meet come Neighborhoodmania 2010″, I say to myself.
There you have it folks, they keys to a better world. Let us know what your finisher/entrance theme would be. Maybe we will meet up and battle.
There is a debate going around to decide what is the Most Awesomest Thing Ever is. Stuff like cheeseburgers, Velociraptors, Hadukens, the Pyramids, the Underground Railroad and Booger from Revenge of the Nerds have been tossed around. There truly can only be one winner.
This website has this epic debate going on in the form of mini battles. Two items pop up and you choose one as the better of the 2. Some random shit can come up and tough decisions have to be made. Like you have to chose Lucky Charms vs. David Blane. Easy, Lucky Charms. But them comes along a battle of epic proportions like, The Umbrella Song by Rihanna vs. Bridges of Madison County. This is difficult simply because they both suck very very much but you have to chose which one is better. I personally would chose the Umbrella Song in sympathy for Rihanna getting beat up by the he-man woman hater Chris Brown.
Anyways, go on over and start voting for the Most Awesomest Thing. Ever.
If you get a match up between The Hills vs. Lasers and you chose The Hills, a midget wielding a double sided sword will magically appear and cut you into several pieces distributing them evenly amongst his miniature horses for dinner later that night.
Is your relationship in shambles?
Women, do you hate waking up to a 8.3 magnitude fart coming out of your husbands ass? Men do you hate how your wife is constantly nagging you because you are decimating her with your farts while you sleep? Well, worry no more. Your relationship is saved.
Introducing the Better Marriage Blanket.
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My one question is…what happens when the blanket gets ripped? Does a mushroom cloud of fart gas come out and everyone dies? I suppose we will find out soon enough.