Karl Marx strikes back against critics.
Originally by Captain Fuerza.
Yes folks, Conan O’Brien will be back on television at the end of this year. Not on Fox, ABC or any network station. O’Brien is moving to cable…on TBS. Crazy old Ted Turner did a smart thing here by signing O’Brien and his Masturbating Bear. Senor George Lopez now occupies a spot at 11pm on that station but will be pushed back to 12pm to make way for the Great White Irishman.
Welcome back white boy. Only good things can come out of this.
Not sure if you have all seen this but once again this proves my theory that Velociraptors love the taste of cheerleaders. But then again, who doesn’t?
The man of the hour we will be highlighting this month many of you may or may not know. He simply goes by the name of Captain Stabbin.
Captain Stabbin is a very ugly man. No bones about it. Yet, he brings women onto his vessel, the SS Stabbin, and has sex with them only to throw them overboard afterwards. Oh, how many men envy you Captain. Captain Stabbin wasn’t always a captain and wasn’t always a porn star. No, he had to work his way up in the world to get there. So ladies and gentlemen, sit back, get a bag of beer and a can of cheese doodles because we are about to tell you the story of how Captain Stabbin came to be, Captain Stabbin.
Darryl Catchings was born October 3rd, 1967 in a small fishing town on the coast of Washington state. He had 2 older siblings, both sisters. His father was fighting in Vietnam at his time of birth, so Darryl never truly knew him. It was unfortunate to say that his father never made it home from the war. No he wasn’t killed in action, he became infected with an incurable disease. A disease known as Yellow Fever. You can catch it from any Asian woman, but in this case Vietnamese hookers. Those hookers are real nasty stuff, they tell you things like, “Love you long time” and “Me so horny”. It’s hard for an American GI at the time not to catch the fever. It can be compared to a white woman catching the Jungle Fever. “Once you go black sister, you never go back.” Unfortunately for Mr. Catchings, he did and never returned. So because of this, Darryl became the man of the house helping bring in the money to support his mother and 2 sisters.
At the ripe young age of 7, Darryl set his first foot on a fishing boat. This would change his life as we know it. After fishing around off the coast of Washington for several years, he was able to save up enough money to give his mother so he could move on with his life. Darryl eventually moved to Alabama where he wanted to start his own shrimping business. Little was he aware about one other major shrimping company in the same region, Bubba Gump. Now many of you have seen Forrest Gump, which is an entirely true story. He may have seemed nice in the film, but in real life, Forrest Gump was a brutal, brutal business man.
Upon buying his first shrimping boat, he was greeted by Forrest and 2 of his goons. Daryl looked up and saw Forrest and said, “Nice to meet you, I’m here to start up my shrimping business.” Forrest signaled to his goons to break Daryl’s legs. They did so. Daryl lay there in excruciating pain and Forrest looked down at him and said, “How does it feel to be a cripple bitch.” He then spit on him and shouted, “Stay the fuck away from my shrimp, or it’s your dick next, son.”
Although physically injured by this event, he was mentally still strong. He was now unable to walk around his boat so he needed to hire some help. He hired a first mate by the name of Squeegee. Squeegee was a seasoned veteran of the shrimping business. Daryl gave Squeegee the low down on his new rivalry with Bubba Gump shrimp. He knew what he was getting into. So the two arrived at the boat only to find it completely trashed and covered in what seemed to be a mix between bald eagle’s blood and about 100 or so pounds of human crap that looked like it had been thrown through a fan. Attached to the boat was a note from Gump. It read:
“Hope you like the remodeling I did to your boat. And for the record yes that is bald eagle’s blood and all of my feces. I have been saving it up for a long time for this exact moment. Enjoy bitches.
Love always, Forrest Gump
He had had enough, Darryl looked over at First Mate Squeegee and said, “Fuck this, I need to get into the porn industry.” So without catching one single shrimp, Daryl waved goodbye to the shrimping business and began the long road to a career in the porn industry. I won’t go into detail about how he rose through the ranks, but I will say there was a lot of shameful things he did in order to get to where he was. One film involved him dressing up as Kim Jong-il fucking a donkey dressed up as South Korea. You know, real shameful shit. After a few years of that, he had acquired enough money to start his own porn series. Ideas were thrown around as to what to do. One was to go around to famous landmarks and shoot scenes. He knew there was risk in that so he passed on that idea. A second idea was a series he would call, “Cum Dumpster’s”. This would involve going around having sex in dumpsters with homeless women. This again had a risk which Daryl did not want to take. One day he received a call from his old mate Squeegee. Squeegee asked if he was still in the porn business and said that he had just got into a series that needed a “lead actor”. This actor was to be called, Captain Stabbin. Without hesitation, Daryl accepted this offer and began filming. Before he knew it, he was a star and our Captain of the Month.
So, we salute you Captain Stabbin. Keep fuckin’ and tossin’ them bitches overboard.
All across the world, apes are studying martial arts to prepare for the revolution. Rise up my brothers and snatch the banana of power! This picture was taken in China over a month ago. It shows one of a group of monkeys attacking their Taekwondo trainer during a show. The monkeys intelligently used the trainer to learn fighting skills and then betrayed him. They were later subdued but not before fucking a lot of shit up.
This video comes from America and shows chimpanzee karate. Little does this human trainer know his day is coming soon. Even the Japanese sumo wrestlers are no match for this orangutan. It appears nothing can stop our planet of the apes from becoming a reality.
Except for maybe this man:
Originally by Captain Fuerza.
During my internet travels, I have come across a site that is a funny/good idea. It goes by the name of Have Your Friends Been There?
The idea is quite genius. What you do is send a friend the link this site gives you. When they click on it, it searches their browser history and only shows you and them what type of porn sites they have been going to. I actually sent this to Captain Polish and I got back these results:
Polish…I never knew.
Well if NASCAR isn’t the world most boring sport right next to basketball and Extreme Grass Growing Championships, the President of the Texas Motor Speedway is trying to spruce things up a bit. Not with the actual NASCAR, but with a local radio DJ.
Eddie Gossage, the President of Texas Motor Speedway, is asking a local radio DJ to change his name to TexasMotorSpeedway.com for a single year and get a tattoo of the speedway. The DJ has 24 hours to respond. Why would anyone change their name to that you ask? Well, how does receiving $100,000 to do so sound? Yea, I’d probably do it. But then again I’d also climb the Empire State Building wearing a pair of them old fuzzy pajamas with the ass flap open and once I reached the top, I’d take a huge poop off the building shouting, “Fire in the hole!” for a junior bacon cheeseburger and 3 chicken nuggets from Wendy’s. That’s also negotiable.
Hey, here’s an idea. If you legally change your name to TheCaptainsMemos.com, we will send you a shitload of stickers. Hell, even if you name your poop TheCaptainsMemos.com we will be happy.