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Author's Treasure Chest


Feb152009

A beached lochness monster with a case of crotch rot

So, I was going through some old photos and came across a gem.

After passing around a bottle, we thought it would be a good idea to pass a piece of cardboard around the table with everyone adding a phrase or word after the person before them.  I awoke the next morning to find this piece of cardboard, re-read it and took a picture of it.

Before you read, I am giving you a warning.  Your head might explode.

Chewbaka swashbuckles squat-thrusting shlong tastic chewbaka suckin’ retarded pirate flagmastic super sloths!  The fight ended Darth Vader because he was wearing a MERMEN!  He had no idea what he was eating but the smell was like a beached lochness monster with a case of crotch rot drinking banana cognac.  With this guy taking pictures of dirty eyed battleship babies with some beefy pussy who gave the redskins hepatitis. He should have used Herpecin L. My legs are very sober. I ate some Rold Gold family sized bowled cogburners. “Terry the Terrible Tea-bagger himself”.

My milkshake is on fire but I don’t really eat marshmallow graham sized popsicles grilled over the heaping pile of shit that I built my house on only having one leg. But we rolled with the people purple eater who tickled Elmo’s gooch with a feather on Big Birds ass. Family sized.

To this day, this piece has never been deciphered into the normal English language.  Today, I am going to try.

Chewbaka is gay fighting retarded pirates. The fight killed Darth Vader because he was in love with a merman.  Darth Vader was eating something, but he didn’t know what, all he know was that it smelled really bad.  Some guy infected with hepatitis was taking photos of dirty babies.  We all know he should have used Herpacin L, but his legs were sober. Terry ate some Rolds Gold family sized pretzels.

Someones milkshake is on fire, and they better put it out.  A house was built by a one legged person on some poop but we rolled with the people purple eater who tickled Elmo’s gooch with a feather on Big Birds ass (you can’t get much more clearer than that folks).  Family sized.

Hope that makes your head hurt a little less…if you even got this far down.



Feb142009

I got to get outta here, pronto. I got a stage five clinger.

As we all know, this day was solely created for stores to make money off of everybody…mostly men, with significant others. Which leaves the question, what will the single folks be doing tonight?

I think the answer is simple…looking for some ass.

AsianWildAss I got to get outta here, pronto. I got a stage five clinger.

Now kids, before you go out to the social clubs later, or whatever it is you do, put this thought in your mind.  Is it worth it? 100% of you will say yes, and I don’t blame you.  Most likely however, you will find someone just like you looking for some play, on the other hand, you might run into that desperate single that is looking for true love on V-Day.  If that is the case, what I can tell you is that you have one corny ass mother fucker on your hands.  It is pretty friggen cliche for someone to go out on Valentines Day looking for true love.  That’s like some doucher wearing a Coldplay t-shirt to an Eminem concert…. O wait, I just caught myself there…before I continue, I am going to point out 3 problems with that past sentence.  First, anyone wearing a Coldplay t-shirt should be shot.  Secondly, anyone attending an Eminem concert, should be drawn and quartered.  And finally, anyone wearing a Coldplay t-shirt to an Eminem concert…well, we will just leave that result up to you.

To be honest, if I was single today I would be going out for sure.  To get ass? No, to get shitfaced.  Not because I’m all depressed about not having a girlfriend, its because I like to get fucked up.  A wise man once told me, and this probably has nothing to do with this post:

“My body is a temple…and I’m gonna get that temple fucked up!”

Take those words into consideration.  Whether you are looking for the opposite sex’s private parts (or the same sex, if you swing that way) or just wanting to get trashed.  Fuck your temple up.

In all reality, I don’t care what you go out and do tonight.  Just don’t die…
Unless I hate you, then go get hit by a horse and buggy.


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