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Author's Treasure Chest


Feb222010

Ugly Furniture

I would buy from this store just because of the commercial.

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Damn, I wanted that crystal butterfly.

O yea, thank you Capt. Kirk via Davey Jones’ Locker.



Feb192010

The Sweetest African Safari Video Ever

I’m so intrigued by this video that I had to post it. Apparently, while on an African Safari a crowd was able to witness nature in all it’s glory. For those who have not seen this, let me preface it for you.

Imagine, in this case, being a baby Water Buffalo taking a stroll with your pack down by the waters edge on a hot Monday afternoon. Little to your knowledge, lions–or as I like to call them, the orange ninja’s of the jungle–await your arrival for their lunch. You feel safe because you are in the middle of the pack so you have no worries. Then all of a sudden the orange ninja’s attack taking your pack by surprise. Your dad shits himself and tries to escape leaving you to fend for yourself. Picture a baby trying to catch a bullet with their teeth…it just ain’t happening. So as your trying to be eaten for lunch, you fall towards the water only for a fucking alligator to jump out and try and snag your ass from the lions. You think to yourself, come on Oprah, what the fuck have I done to you!? But surprisingly you are still alive during all of this. So your herd has run off to the far edge of the water and you are about to be lunch for some lions and quite possibly an alligator, then you feel a rumble on the ground. This rumble can be compared to you sitting next to a guy on the ground at a music festival who last night just ate a bunch of mushrooms and now has, what we like to call here at TCM, shroom gas…it’s not mother natures friend. You look up and see your herd charging full speed at the lions. They strike and fur is flying everywhere, you see your dad flip a lion head over heels. You are saved. You thank Oprah.

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That baby buffalo sure had a case of the Mondays!

Thanks to Vogel, for bringing this video to our attention in 2002.



Feb172010

They’re Just Like Us!

Who knew that celebrities, sports stars, models or the useless socialites that grace our society used to be kids!? I most certainly didn’t. I thought they were all assembled from deceased people in a factory deep underground in India somewhere. Guess I was wrong. Well anyways, we found a website that has surprisingly, a lot of photos of your favorite celebrities as youngsters.

Here are a couple of celebs who can still pass as being assembled:

David Letterman

letterman Theyre Just Like Us!

Well from the looks of it, David Letterman was assembled from Abraham Lincoln. Most especially that rad Civil War era facial hair.

Tyra Banks

banks Theyre Just Like Us!

Tyra Banks, after looking at this photo, got her forehead assembled not from a dead person, but rather the Great Plains in the Mid-US. I find it remarkable what they can transplant onto a celebrities face now-a-days.

Verne Troyer

troyer Theyre Just Like Us!

Unfortunately for Vince, he was supposed to be a doll but was given a heart and brain. It is suspected that these parts where specially created due to the miniature scale. Luckily for him though, they used horse parts where it counts.

On this site, there is proof that 50 Cent graduated…grade school.



Feb152010

Happy Birthday TCM!

43635 Happy Birthday TCM!

In case you all missed it, TCM celebrated it’s first birthday on Saturday the 13th. It was a birthday party to remember. There was clowns, pin the tail on the donkey, pinata’s and several midget strippers….well, we think they were midgets….we hope they were midgets. Anyhoo, being a year old carries a lot of responsibilities. For one, by now we should be able to hold our own bottle when eating which is good for Flintheart cause we can now “let go” that nanny he calls Mr. Soft Hands. Shitting and puking on ourselves is a natural given since we are not potty trained. Don’t believe me? Come take a look at Capt. Polish’s desk and you tell me he knows how to use the toilet. Nastiest part is he post-it notes the dates of each shit under his desk. He still has one from 2-13-09 and it’s starting resemble that goblin from Jersey Shore fame, Snooki…or is Snooki starting to look like that turd? Either way that bitch is nasty. As for the crying, that probably won’t stop until we are about 30-40 years old. Believe me, we won’t be around that long….I hope to be dead by then.

And if you also missed it, we have a new website to display for all of y’all. That is our gift to you since none of you selfish pee holes got us anything for our birthday. Enjoy fuckers and let us know what you think about our new ghoulish look.


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Feb92010

Be a Certified Virgin.

Waiting for that special someone that most likely will never come?

Need something other than a verbal agreement and a purity ring to back up your “no sex clause”?

Not there when the fun mobile shows up and the Pussycat Dolls fucked everyone leaving you the only virgin out of your Magic playing cards friends?

Had sex with what looked like a human the night before but in the morning represented a beluga whale the more that you stared at them?

This website is for you. If you already aren’t, which I’d say 93% of our readers are, become a virgin again!

old Be a Certified Virgin.

For only a $1, you can sign up and receive a certified certificate declaring you a virgin. Or if you have run out of ideas as to what to get your friends for their birthdays, you can sign their pimply ass up as well! The best part is that portion of your purchase will go to AIDS cure research. Do some good, sign our recently departed Captain Kirk up for this…he still has yet to come to terms that masturbating does not count as sex.

Not sure if you need this? Take a quick look around your room. If you have a stack of Magic cards, every Lord of the Rings DVD Special Editions, a Lamborghini Countach poster from the mid 80s, The Anarchist’s Cook Book, a computer that costs more than your car and enough empty Mountain Dew cans to buy a car…you need this certificate.


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Feb82010

Selleck Waterfall Sandwich

That is all. Tom Selleck, a waterfall and a sandwich. That is all this site has to offer. You have a problem with that…go take it up with Magnum PI.

selleck Selleck Waterfall Sandwich

O yea, this site has a pretty dope theme song as well. Check that shit out.

Don’t be jealous because Tom Selleck gets to hang out in sweet waterfall destinations with some pretty sexy sandwiches.



Feb22010

The Legend of Punxsutawney Phil & Friends

Unlike Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and Diet Dr. Pepper, Punxsutawney Phil is real. He is a groundhog that lives in a tree stump but on every February 2nd of each year, he is yanked out of his stump like a homeless man yanking out his peener on a bus…with extreme force. If you didn’t already know, this morning in Gobbler’s Knob, PA (more on that name later), Mr. Phil saw his shadow this morning. So what does that mean for us? That winter will last another 6 weeks. Fuck you Phil.

phil The Legend of Punxsutawney Phil & Friends

Is it a shock to you all that Punxsutawney Phil isn’t the only animal that declares our winters longer or shorter. We live in America…weren’t we built off trying to be better than the last guy or in this case groundhogs? This certainly applies to weather forecasting rodents. Here is a list of some of the animals, including Phil, that are America’s most famous weatheranimals for a day.

Sir Walter Wally – Raleigh, North Carolina
Sir Walter Wally out of Raleigh was actually born in Easington Colliery, England. He saw no opportunity in England as a groundhog’s day groundhog because the weather is constantly shitty there and will never see his shadow. So he got his furry little ass on a plane to the states and wound up in Raleigh, NC. Why Raleigh? From what I hear UNC has a lot of hot chicks.

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Jan292010

Quite Possibly the Greatest High School on Earth…

Remember not too long ago the High School in Brooklyn that had several fairly decent female teachers doing things I wish happened to me in my High School. Let’s have a quick breakdown of what has happened over the past 2 months:

Incident #1

alg teachers romp Quite Possibly the Greatest High School on Earth...

In early December of 09 at James Madison High School, language teachers Alini Brito and Cindy Mauro were caught having fun together naked in their classroom. Unfortunately for them, and their male students, a janitor came across them and being the dick that he was, reported them. Ok first things first Senor Janitor, my initial instinct would be to see if they needed any assistance, you know in de-clothing each other. If they did not, then blackmail comes into affect. Tell them that if you can’t join them, then you will tell on them while in reality you won’t because they are probably 2 of the better looking teachers in the school. Why would you want to ruin possibly the main reason you come to work…besides cleaning up piss and throw-up? Not smart dude.

So these teachers are scolded and sent to the “rubber room”. Some room where you learn about safe sex…I don’t really know. The greatest quote comes from one of their students:

“[Ms. Mauro] was pretty fun,” said junior Eddie Ramirez, 18.

“She dressed like a teenage girl – she’d wear low-cut tops, shorts, three-quarter length jeans. She was kinda sexy.

“You could see that she was the kind of person who would flirt.”

My kind of teacher! Here is a video from this incident (Please note that one of the kids name is Vulcan):

Read Full Article Here.

End Incident #1.

Incident #2

Allison Musacchio Quite Possibly the Greatest High School on Earth...

Not even a day after Incident #1, in the same school, Social studies teacher Allison Musacchio was accused of having a relationship with a male student. Unfortunately for Allison, this little pimp had a girlfriend at the same school. There is nothing more dangerous in life than a jealous teenage girlfriend I tell you that. That bitches hormones be ragin’ son! This student’s girlfriend got a hold of his phone and saw that this teacher was in his contact list and being the extreme cock block that she is, reported this to the school. Upon viewing this students phone, there were over 200 texts and phone calls between the two. A guy who claims to be this woman’s boyfriend said he doesn’t know of any of these allegations and says that “I try to stay out of her business. I just know she’s a teacher here in Brooklyn”. Your obviously not doing a good job satisfying your woman dude…I mean she went off to have a fling with a high schooler. You just got punked out by a high schooler. Who’s the dick now.

Incident #2 in real form here.

Incident #3

alg horndog2 Quite Possibly the Greatest High School on Earth...

After being dormant for over a month, James Madison High School is back at the sex scandal scene again like a crackhead who gave up for a few hours but then forgot that he was giving up crack only to smoke it again later that same day. This time it is 37 year old gym teacher Lisa Guttilla who is accused of fondling a 14 year old girl. Gutilla kept the girl quiet by promising her that all they would do in gym class was play hopscotch or whatever it is 14 year old girls like to do…text message? I don’t goddamn know. One day after coming home from school the mother saw a hickey on the girls neck and asked her what boy did this to her. She fessed up immediately that it was her female gym teacher. Not only was this a shock to the mother that a teacher did this to her but what a friggen way to find out your daughter is a dyke!

Guttilla is being reassigned and being examined by top men…Top. Men.

The third incident can be found by clicking this blue link.

A final TCM note: Don’t be surprised if you see a porno being made out of this. Much like The Office and most recently, The Jersey Shore (Don’t worry, we will be touching upon this very shortly). Enjoy your day at school kids!


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