Kermit – Christian Bale
Miss Piggy – Tori Spelling
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Treasure Chest for the Characters Category
Sep82010
“Office Worker” Characters – Blackberry Thumbs
Let’s face it – we all know blackberry thumbs when we see it. It’s typically a person of high perceived stature that can’t comprehend all the function of the blackberry device, i.e. mid-to-high level management, or youth that can’t get enough of bbm and texting their friends. Since this is a post series on “office worker” characters (I put it in quotes since no one in an office does actual work), we’ll be covering the first of these two classifications.
This is the best pic I could pull off the Internet, but you get the point. If your boss is either given a blackberry or feels important enough that they should have one and actually went out and bought one, this is probably one of the scenes you’re familiar with on a daily basis. I’m going to break down the person who sits above you on the totem poll who has the blackberry:
1. They’re self important
2. They have trouble using basic software applications
3. They’re rude
4. They can give a shit about you since they’re now at “the blackberry level” in the company
Let’s take these one at a time.
They’re self important. Is your boss approachable now with a blackberry? Probably not. Any time you see them in a meeting or in general they are thumbing through it looking for more work that’s important than what you’re going to bring them.
They have trouble using basic software applications. Screw knowing how to use Excel, Access, and PowerPoint – you now have to learn how to use your blackberry! I find it humorous that people that end up with blackberry’s in an organization have difficulty putting together a decent presentation or working formulas into a spreadsheet.
They’re rude. Here’s you in a meeting, “…bottom line is we need to grow our sales by 10% annually to hit our five year goals…”. Here’s them during your meeting, “[tap, tap, tap, tapppp, tap, tap, tapppppp, tap]“. Yep. They didn’t listen to anything you said or anything that happened at the meeting because they have a blackberry.
They can give a shit about you since they’re now at “the blackberry level” in the company. Having your company give you a blackberry is the equivalent of being knighted in the middle ages – your superiors know you’re better than your colleagues and need to give you something more to show it. “Blackberry level” is the top part of the pyramid. None of the shmucks and losers will be seen with a company blackberry – management makes sure this never will happen.
Moral of the story, this character can go either way in terms of popularity at a company. The Yeomen hate Blackberry Thumbs while the elite consider them one of their own. Captain Flintheart actually fits the mold of a Blackberry Thumbs, but we all know that he’s just surfing porn.
Aug312010
“Office Worker” Characters
It September. That means people stop taking vacations and get more into their jobs. We talk about work a lot on TCM because it’s such an interesting topic – especially when you work in an office. And if you’ve ever spent any time in an office or work place type setting, there’s a good chance that you’ve encountered several of these people or perhaps all of them:
This is a few years old, but it’s straight and to the point. We all have an “arrival checker” that watches us and our shit with the thought that any moment it can be out on the street. We all have a “dumb looking good guy” who steals the female bosses attention and provides the divorced 30-somethings with day time eye candy. Even at TCM headquarters Captain Warbucks is known as the “butt crack guy” and that’s no lie.
I’m going to tackle each one of these “office workers” and go a little bit behind the scenes on why they are the way they are. If you think a character from your office is missing on this list, make sure you send us a note. This will be a nice little fall project and probably cause my demise at my actual job.
Jul162010
Social Characters: Workplace Phone Woman
We here at TCM love this series. It gives us a chance to channel our inner-Freud and try to understand some of the social characters we come in contact with in our daily lives. So far we’ve tackled the Douchebag, the Sorority Slores, the Out of Control Facebooker, and the One-Upper. Without further distraction, TCM is proud to present to you the Workplace Phone Woman.
I don’t even have to explain what this is. If you have a job and have a set of ears/brain, you know exactly what I’m talking about. For those of you who don’t fit the above description, the Workplace Phone Girl is a woman at work that talks on the phone constantly about her personal life. She’s usually in earshot of where you sit, i.e. the next cube over, the office across the hall, etc., and has no problem talking about her personal life for hours upon hours of the work day.
I had one of these birds sit across from me two years ago. When I eventually moved to a new building, I left with knowing the exact status of her new home, why the kitchen fixtures didn’t match the dining room, why she doesn’t trust her husband’s judgment when it comes to picking out furniture, and why her new house ended up costing her more money than the estimate.
I’ve had similar run-ins with new and expecting moms. Now let me be clear: the act of childbirth is a cool thing and I have respect for women who put their bodies through all of that kind of stuff to produce a child; I just don’t want to hear about it at work all day. Another woman to the right of me went through the whole pregnancy thing about a year ago. I could stand her because she was cool, but I couldn’t stand the phenomenon called “the new mom’s club” that would come by her cube and discuss the status of their newborns for an hours length each day.
Another type of Workplace Phone Woman is the “social-fiend.” Closely related to the sorority slore, they make sure everyone knows how cool their life is and exactly what they are doing every night of the week by publicly making and announcing their plans at work on the phone.
Look ladies, I know you have shit to talk about with to your girlfriends and co-workers who care, but I’m not one of them. Use text messaging, email or some sort of un-intrusive communication device to talk about your new home, your upcoming wedding, your weekends plans, etc. because no one in the vicinity of where you work gives a shit.
Every time my desk is moved, I end up next to a Workplace Phone Woman of some sort and immediately I get sucked into her life because she can’t stop talking about it. Who knows, maybe this is my boss’s way of telling me she hates me, but I can’t confirm. I just know that I can’t stand this social character and that they need to be vanquished somehow.
If you have ideas, we’d certainly like to hear them.
A big shout to Wangman for providing the inspiration for this post. Yes ladies, his nickname is Wangman.
Dec12009
Social Characters: the Out of Control Facebooker
We here at TCM have been very candid in the past about our disdain for Facebook. I have an account, but don’t normally use it. I like having an account so I can get messages from friends I no longer see because of distance and receive photos (not ones of me being a drunken idiot though).
I’ve been totally enamored with Facebook now that my job is now creating a profile and have decided that there are really four types of users:
- There are people like me that like to use Facebook as a means to communicate with distant friends;
- There are people that use Facebook to plan their social activities and keep up on the gossip;
- There are people that use Facebook for entertainment by looking up old friends, flames, etc. and using all the apps;
- Then there are people that combine all of these uses and then some making themselves what I’ve coined an Out of Control Facebooker.
The Out of Control Facebooker is a crazy bird. No one knows where they originate from, but there has to be a great deal of neglect in their lives. Signs to detect an Out of Control Facebooker include, but is not limited to:
- Commenting on your photos when you haven’t seen them in years;
- Liking/Disliking photos or status when you haven’t seen them in years;
- Friending your friends;
- Friending people they don’t know so they can look at their pictures which includes their friends;
- Friending people they just met;
- Updating their status more than 3 times daily;
- Consistently sending apps to people that do not use them; and
- Sending blast Facebook generated emails to people inviting them to events that they have no intention of going to.
The reason this blog/rant is happening today is because I’m at my braking point. I friended someone a year ago and something happened to this person that they now insist on sending me invites to their birthday party, business meeting, etc. I haven’t talked to this person for close to 10 years. I was never true friends with the person so I was surprised when they wanted to be friends in the first place.
Looking back I should’ve blocked the invite, but I didn’t. I can defriend the person, but that’s too much effort. I’m not up on that term, but apparently Webster picked it as the word of the year for 2009. Man we’re fucked.
I’m not looking for pity in this post. I’m just looking to highlight the fact that there are people out there that are just out of control in their Facebook usage.
If you use Facebook, are reading this blog, and you think I described you, well I halfheartedly apologize. You got to realize that you are annoying the shit out of people that just don’t give a shit about what you are doing.
If you were directed to the site from Facebook, like 23% of our readers are, well at least you know we’re disgruntled about Out of Control Facebookers and are only milking Facebook’s teets so we can increase our readership. Speaking of which, I found this image when looking for an appropriate image for this post:
You probably saw this already from an Out of Control Facebooker. This rant is over. Where’s my Xanax.
Nov62009
The Mysterious Case of Captain Kirk
It’s been weeks since we’ve heard form Captain Kirk on the site. To quell some of the emails we’ve been receiving on his whereabouts, it’s about time for us to come clean with what’s going on with Captain James Tiberius Kirk.
During the Meeting of the Minds, we had an excellent business meeting in which all Captain’s contributed conceptually to the growth of the site in one way or another. Kirk, playing the role of hotshot, immediately tried to one-up Captain Yar in the meeting by calling him a “fart face.” I think it’s easier just to role a tape of what happened and let you see for yourselves:
The character known in the clip as “Jim Devers” is truly Captain Kirk. No, he did not shoot himself, but he’s been too embarrassed to post ever since this occurrence.
I thought everyone needed to know what happened to Kirk because you’re probably missing some of his more popular posts like lingerie football, Sports Illustrated swim suit rookies, and analysis on our economy.
Fear not, we’re hoping Kirk will one day return after this crippling blow was dealt to his psyche, but there is no timetable for said return.
If you miss Captain Kirk’s presence on TCM, let us/him know. This might be the only way to overturn being publicly called “fart face.”
Sep232009
Bathroom Attendants
Although we just gave you the full explanation to why men read in the bathroom, we are not going to make this “bathroom week” with this post, or are we? Compliments of Captain K, here’s a good very rant on the bathroom attendant:
“The other day the Captain’s decided that we needed to find some power and motivation to help us come up with some new material for the site (you can only have so many videos of the day). What better place to find said power than an NHRA drag race watch 8,000 horsepower cars scream down the track! That’s so much power you can feel the ground shake and your body want to explode – much like an hour after Mexican night.
So sure enough we are enjoying the afternoon festivities and the carnival type food that can be expected from a woodchuck inspired event such as a NHRA top fuel drag race. When after my second chili dog, first buffalo chicken sandwich, and of course a morning full of coffee, the bowel gods were calling my name.
Now I am not one of those people who need an amazingly clean restroom. Most restrooms will do and even the good ole Blue Bowl will usually make me happy. Here is where the problem lies: THE BATHROOM ATTENDANT.
The bathroom attendant has to be one of the most awkward jobs to have and is also creates (at least for me) a very awkward restroom experience. The NHRA drag race was my first experience of bathroom attendants working Blue Bowls. At one point during my time at the drag strip outside of Reading, PA, I used the Blue Bowl and there was actually a turd in the urinal portion of the Blue Bowl.
My question is: What are these bathroom attendants doing? Isn’t it their job to keep these puppies clean and full of TP? No, I guess not. They are sitting in front of the porta-shitters shouting at females walking by, talking and texting on their cell phones and distributing penny candy. Seriously, penny candy! Who wants to eat fucking penny candy from the Blue Bowl attendant?
The icing on the cake is the fact that you get a dirty look from them if you don’t tip them! Tip them for what? The old as hell piece of double bubble they gave me from their collection of Blue Bowl candy?
I have no respect for any bathroom attendant. Until I am not capable of wiping my own ass and a bathroom attendant does it for me I would be fine not dealing with a bathroom attendant again.”
If you are a bathroom attendant or aspire to be one, please feel free to let us know the answers and the rationale to the questions about this job.
Aug212009
Authors Who Could Kick Your Ass
In this inaugural edition, TCM would like to highlight author, Ernest Hemingway. For those of you who don’t know Hemingway, he was about as manly as they come. Standing out is a particularly difficult feat considering he came from the first half of the twentieth century when real men were still plentiful.
Why would he be able to kick my ass you might ask? For the following reasons of course.
-Served in WWI as an ambulance driver and had part of his leg blown off becoming the first American to be injured in Italy during the war
-Was a functioning alcoholic
-An avid fisherman, he moved to Cuba where the fishing was much more bountiful. Judging by the above picture, apparently he fished with a gun
-Grandfather was a Civil War vet
-For excitement/writing material, Hemingway joined as a correspondent during the Spanish Civil War
-Served in the Navy during WWII
-He took two safari’s in his life time (one during the great depression) to hunt big game in Africa. He made sure he used the same native guide that Teddy Roosevelt used
-An aficionado of both Boxing and Bull Fighting (which he won two awards for)
-Committed suicide by shooting his head off with a Shotgun (eat your heart out Kurt Cobain!)
If your not familliar with his written work, do yourself a favor and check out A Farewell To Arms
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