Treasure Chest for the ‘Issues’ Category


Issues
Sep12010

5 ways we think the world is going to end.

December 12, 2012 is a date that has people scratching your heads. According to ancient Mayan calendars, that is the end of the world as we know it. (Cut it out R.E.M.) Who the bloody hell knows what is going to happen when that date comes around. Will people all over the world go bonkers thinking, “Oh my God, the world is going to end!?” Maybe. Just maybe.

2012 5 ways we think the world is going to end.

The only true person who knows what happens on that day is John Cusack. As we have seen in the film, 2012, he gets into several near death experiences while the world is ending but somehow miraculously escapes them all and as we’ve seen in Hot Tub Time Machine, he can travel through time. So what better person to ask than John Cusack himself. After several attempts to call, one black eye from his security guard and a restraining order against TCM we are unable to truly find out what will happen. So, we will turn to the next best thing; figuring this shit out for ourselves.

We sat down one Sunday afternoon over some tea and biscuits and had a very intellectual conversation about how we think the world will end in 2012. It was surprising enough with what we came up with even though no one walked away with any broken bones as that’s usually what happens during one of our “discussions”. So sit back, grab a bag of beer and a can of chips and ponder how your semi-awesome life will end. Hell, who knows one of these could actually be the Earth’s fate.

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Television, Work
Aug122010

The reason Mad Men is so damn good

If you’ve been living under a rock the past three years, let me bring this to your attention: there’s a show called Mad Men on AMC that is probably the greatest show on TV right now. Why? Well, it’s all about an Ad Agency in New York City where everyone is banging everyone, people get drunk on the job, and big business deals are cut. If you like sex, partying, and business, you should probably be watching this show.

This is all fine and dandy, but the real reason it’s good is Joan Holloway.

joan holloway mad men style The reason Mad Men is so damn good

Need more proof??

joan The reason Mad Men is so damn good

Joan Holloway, played by Christina Hendricks, is the smart, sexy, office manager who literally runs Sterling Cooper Draper Price. The hottest thing on two legs in the show is also one of the most feared and respected. She’s had her affairs and has done her fair share of partying and firing. Hot sexy bad ass.

I can go on and on on how I think she’s bonerific, but I’ll spare you – especially since she’s married on Mad Men and in real life (to the Shnozeberry guy in Super Troopers). I just wanted to give you the secret to this shows success.

Next time you plop down on Sunday at 10 this fall to watch, you’ll see how Joanie steals the show and owns your attention. Unless you have a vagina. Then this post probably isn’t for you.


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Issues
Aug112010

Work Abbreviations/Slang

What jack ass with a bow tie invented this shit? I hate abbreviations anyway despite the fact that some are very useful. Their is a large portion of them that are grossly uncessary. For instance, BBQ has the exact same amount of syllables as the word ‘barbeque’ thus saving you no time by abbreviating the word and therefore defeating the purpose. Now their are abbreviations specific to the office and emails…especially blackberrys. Two of the worst offenders are “tx” or “thx’ which is suppose to mean “thanks” and also “pls” for “please”. Seriously? It saves you fucking micro seconds to type the rest of the letters out. I’d feel like such a gay lord typing that in an e-mail.

Does anyone else have any other examples of this stupid office trend?


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Issues
Aug102010

Cleansing The Jail System

Jail Cleansing The Jail System

This may not be a new or radically different idea than has been posed to America before. Then again maybe it is, by my ass is too lazy too google it. When someone is proven 100% guilty of a crime that gives them life in prison, give the guilty party the right to choose death over a lifetime in jail. This way we might not have to pay for their dumbass while they eek out a miserable existance for the next 55 years in jail…and it frees up some space. Don’t tell me it’s inhumane either. At least we’d give the person a choice. Some countries would just chop off their heads without asking questions.


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Issues, Technology, Women
Aug42010

Dear Ladies Of Facebook

 Most of you already know how the Captains feel about Facebook. If you want to post a bunch of almost naked photos of yourself far be it for us to try and stop you. However, don’t get pissed when people think your a slore or the fact that you have creepy people ogling your photos. Another thing, it’s not cool to post pictures of you drinking, nor is it attractive to the opposite sex. Once you get out of college (hopefully) you will realize that.

facebookdrunk Dear Ladies Of Facebook

Please do not post 246 pictures from a single night you and your 2 friends making a bunch of stupid faces over and over again. Why do teenage girls sit in their house taking pictures of themselves making a pouty face a trillion times then take 30 more in the car doing the same thing? It’s fucking stupid. Is this what passes for fun these days for kids? It’s fucking retarded.

And another thing ladies. Guys know that when you put your hand on your hip in a picture it’s so you can appear thinner. Give it up.

That is all.


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Issues, Soccer, Sports
Jun252010

Hitler and the vuvuzela

The vuvuzela is, no doubt about it, the most annoying thing to hit any sports scene since Tim McCarver. After a full weeks worth of watching the World Cup I have grown used to the sound, and at this point all I can think of is Dane Cook’s fuck bees” skit. I still wonder how the fans blow this shit ALL MATCH.

This shit is pretty funny.

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Issues
Jun242010

The Myth Of Energy Drinks

Do energy drinks actually work?

energy drinks The Myth Of Energy Drinks

I’ve never copped a buzz from Red Bull, Monster, Rock Star, Java Monster, etc etc. in my life. I use to think it was because I was a soda junkie, but I’ve been “off” soda for the last few years and still nothing happens when I drink them. This has forced me to theorize that energy drinks are a nation wide conspiracy. They only “work” when people convince themselves that it works. I drink them occasionally these days for the taste…especially those god damn delicious Java Monster: Loca Moca.

Am I alone on this so called conspiracy? Or do energy drinks really work for you???


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Issues, Somewhat Historial Significance
Jun232010

Great Moments in World History

Some moments in history are great because they weren’t so great. Sounds confusing, but consider June 22nd and June 23rd to prove my point – these two days are when Hitler and Napoleon, respectively, decided it would be a good time to fuck up Russia. It turns out that it wasn’t a good idea because this would prove to be the end for their respective empires.

59005 Great Moments in World History

I know, this is probably not a popular topic to bring up on a blog-site when your readers comment explicitly on all things Saved By The Bell, local indie rock, and topics related to chooglin’, but some times a fart is a fart because, well, its a fart. And Russia is the mother of all farts.

Russia is a land as barren as Captain Kirk’s first ex-wife. It is a horrible place that actually took over Poland because they are a dick. They decided to be the colossal mass they are for a reason – to push everyone around just because they can. They are the bully at lunch that took your lunch money AND kissed your girlfriend behind the swing set because they could.

Russia was considered a savior at the time of Napoleon because they destroyed his army. The same could be said about Hitler. What followed from their Hitler triumph was about 45 years worth of owning the U.S. until we kicked their ass in hockey all because of our ability to grow a better playoff beard. It’s true, look it up kids.

Eventually Russia withered away as communism was scrapped by the wayside for something more conventional – Capitalism! Well it’s worked for Russia. They’ve decided to sell their precious reserves of oil and natural gas at high prices and now have become one of the most powerful countries in the entire world.

What will happen next? Lord knows, but Russia has already decided to chill with upcomers on the global scene Iran and Turkey. Could this mean they are turning into the bully again? Could this spell trouble for the U.S.? Can the capped crusader escape yet again? Stay tuned – if history repeats itself, we could be in for another empire-crippling Russian retreat.

Great moment in history? I don’t know, but it’s probably something we should stay cognizant of.


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