Yoko’s really done it this time. I already hate the fact that when I turn on the TV and see a Target commercial with douchey Jonas Brothers look-alikes singing “All You Need Is Love” but at least that was because Michael Jackson was a fucktard (and business genius) and bought up the rights to about half the Beatles song catalog, so I can’t actually blame the Beatles for doing it.
Now a french car company has been granted right’s courtesy of beast master Yoko Ono herself to use a John Lennon interview snippet to sell cars. Her excuse, courtesy of son Sean Lennon, is as follows: “She did not do it for money. It has to do [with] hoping to keep dad in public consciousness. No new LPs, so TV ad is exposure to young.” Funny, I always thought Sean lived in New York not outer fucking space. I wonder if he’s every heard of the Beatles? Or perhaps the fact that their is now a video game called Beatles: Rock Band.
Well whatever the reason, take a look for yourself.
This is absolutely real and hanging in the elevator at my work. My co-worker, Doug was able to secure a copy for TCM publication. Although, it has been edited briefly to remove the other location of the alleged perpetrator. You should know the mail room employees are not the only ones accused. More simply put, I don’t want you to know where I work.
I’m not sure what is more disturbing…the fact that someone is so fed up that they are spitting and wiping boogers all over elevator cars (and it’s not Captain Polish) or that someone was so grossed out by it that they went back to their desk and created this “Wanted” sign and potentially formed a posse to hunt this mother fucker down.
I don’t really know if I understand what they were hoping to accomplish with this sign. Did they want to intimidate the culprit into stopping or better yet confessing? More likely one of these “Wanted” signs will end up with said mucus wiped all over it. Clearly the person won’t be caught in the act because they wouldn’t be stupid enough (I hope) to be spitting all over an elevator when it was filled with people.
If your a regular TCM reader, you will know that I have expressed apprehension with the up in coming generation. Whether it be the fact that their lives are run by cell phones and facebook or that they are showing no respect to the loose jeans revolution veterans and rocking tight ciruclationless jeans, oh and don’t get me started on the stupid haircuts. Now I’ve found something much worse and apparently her name is Ke$ha (and yes the $ is suppose to be there).
When a generation of teenagers comes into adulthood they begin to grow resentful of the younger generations claiming they can’t understand their new interests, the fashion trends, the music etc. This is all true and obviously I am no different. When it comes to music though, sometimes I can see why a certain band will become popular or revered by the youth even if I deem them as god awful. Well this is where that line is drawn.
If you’re reading this blog I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you’ve been on an airplane before. Airplanes are great. They can move you around the country/world quickly, they force you to meet new people so you can improve your social skills, and they provide you with an opportunity to join the Mile High Club. The one big thing about airplanes that stinks are airplane farts (no pun intended).
Airplane farts are what they sound like: its when a passenger or flight attendant farts on an airplane. Farting on an airplane is worse than farting anywhere else because the air in the cabin is trapped until the plane is depressurized. Basically, if you fart on a plane it can stick with the plane and its inhabitants until you land which may be anywhere from 1 to 16 hours depending on where you’re going.
The worst thing about an airplane fart is that you have no idea where it comes from. It could come from the smelly, fat guy sitting next to you who’s molesting your arm chairs while he’s waiting for his order of double soda or the sweet little old lady on the other side of you who’s knitting. Like an Agatha Christy novel, everyone’s a suspect.
I’m talking about airplane farts today because just this past week someone laid the mother of all farts on the ride home through Chicago. It was silent, it was unprovoked, and it made people gag. Imagine this, you’re sitting back, listening to some Pearl Jam on your iPod, daydreaming, loving life as much as you can until, BAMMM, all you smell is a fart. You can’t escape it. You can’t do anything to make the situation better. You just have to sit there and take it. When I left the plane, I swear I smelled just like a fart and considered using the Chris Farley method to clean myself up.
There’s been a movement of foot though recently to cut down on airplane farters, smelly passengers, and fat people on planes. Soon only a privileged few of us will be able to ride in comfort and soon Captain Flintheart will have to make other accommodations to travel.
So the next time you’re on an airplane and have to fart, think about the other people who’s trip you will make a living hell and try to squeeze one out in the bathroom. Then you can be part of the Mile High Poop Club instead of ruining other people’s lives.
Have you noticed that America is becoming dumber? When you check your e-mail on a website like Yahoo or AOL that has news headlines, the most prominent one is always something so incredibly idiotic about Jessica Simpson that makes your brain hurt (much like hers when she attempts to think). Meanwhile, the real headline news is buried really small in the corner.
Well, loyal TCM reader Shaffer and I have been kicking around this idea for months. He spent a long time collection screen shots of Yahoo’s homepage and we’d like to present it to you in a new segment we call, Headline News. In all cases please note the retarded banner headline and the top real news headline on the bottom half of the screen.
Way to go America! Thanks for treating us all like we are 14 year old girls and brain dead hicks.
Fuck Ticketmaster. I know that I’m not the first person to ever say that. Hell, Pearl Jam spent most of 1995 doing its best to stick it to them only to get fucked in the ass. But my friends, this is because Ticketmaster’s greed cannot be stopped.
A few weeks ago, She & Him announced a small tour consisting of about 6 U.S. shows. The band does not tour often because it’s made up of actress, Zooey Deschanel and musician M. Ward who both have limited free time due to their other projects. 2 shows were scheduled for NYC’s Bowery Ball Room and I was hell bent on going. Not only do I greatly enjoy their music, but what self respecting male wouldn’t want to see Zooey Deschanel in person? I could finally cross it off my bucket list.
I knew I would have a hard time getting tickets but their website announced a pre-sale a week ahead of time. I figured this would be my best opportunity. So, I readied myself on the internet and the second they went on sale they sold out. I shrugged it off and hoped the actual sale would go better.
Minutes before the general public tickets went on sale weeks later, I pretended I got an emergency phone call in the middle of a meeting at work and excused myself. I went to my computer logged into Ticketmaster’s website and refreshed the page approximately 48 times. The exact moment they went on sale my fingers flew and I got fucked on the captcha. Instead of getting something like, “Dog Tree” I got “Colloquialism Rumination” or some other bull shit word that you’ve never seen before or just doesn’t look right. Nevertheless, when it was all said and done it took me about ten seconds and the shit sold out. How is it even possible that hundreds of other people were able to do it faster than 10 seconds? That is some fucked up shit.
Directly after, I went onto E-Bay and Stub Hub and all those kind of places to see if people were selling tickets. Now, the tickets (sans fees) were $25 all general admission. I was willing to pay $50 or $60 a piece for me and my lady. The cheapest I could find them was for $90 each and some going as high as $160. It makes me sick to think that some asshat buys up 7 tickets at a time just to turn a profit and could give a shit about the band, thereby fucking over real fans. Capitalistic bullshit.
To make matters worse, I recently bought 2 tickets to a see a slew of comedians performing together. It had been advertised as costing $25 in advance, $35 day of show. I figured I’d save $20 and order them online ahead of time. With all the bullshit fees it ended up costing $70 altogether. I could have paid the same amount at the door.
Fuck you Ticketmaster! Now I can put you on the list with Philadelphia and Captain Polish for things that have fucked me in the ass.
I hate to admit it, but like 70% of males ages 18-30 in the winter I wear a black pea coat. The trend was beginning to happen when I got mine 5 or 6 years ago, but now it’s exploded. If you work in a city with a concentrated number of young professionals you know exactly what I’m talking about.
The reason for this article is to point out 2 styles of this fashion to avoid so that you don’t look like a douchebag for the rest of your life. That’s right, I’m TCM’s fashion police today, bitch.
1. Wearing a baseball hat with a pea coat. Seriously? Come on. Would you wear a suit and put a baseball hat on? Of course not, you’d like unbelievably retarded. Don’t do it with a pea coat than. You will be labeled as a BRO for life, albeit one that is trying to moonlight as an executive, but a BRO nevertheless. Don’t do it.
2. Don’t wear a hoody underneath it, unless it’s the kind that’s hoodless and the coat is buttoned. If your going somewhere in the winter where you won’t be outside for a long period of time, you will likely be fine wearing a hoody. If you are going to be outside for pro longed periods of time, buy a better and warmer jacket that is actually made to stop the coldness from creeping into your body. Don’t make yourself look like an idiot by wearing something nice and something junky at the same time. Your probably the same type of person that rocks the Miami Vice style blazer with a t-shirt under it or gets married in a tux and ripped jeans.
It’s not asking too much. But these 2 simple steps should allow you to shed your douchey ways and coexist normally, with the rest of us.
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