Plenty. Well, let’s see…douchebags, Ke$ha, yeast infections, getting a boner in public and so fourth. This list could go on. But luckily for you there definitely are worse things wrong with this world. This website definitely shows you what is wrong with the world in a very, let’s say, straight forward way.
When I was a very young kid, the man pictured below had an “educational” tv show. His name was Slim Goodbody and he terrified me to death. In fact, he was my number one fear at the time. I would cry and beg my parents to turn it off anytime his show was on.
Seeing it now for the first time in about 25 years I feel 100% justified. This shit is creepy on a few levels here. First and foremost dudeman’s insides are on his outside and there are so many fucking things wrong with that. Not too mention he’s wearing a skin tight unitard and his package is well on display, yet somehow anatomically missing from his body suit. He looks like Richard Simmons, Bob Saget and (old school) Howie Mandell all jizzed in a cup together and gave it to some lucky female recipient who wanted to bear the ultimate 1980′s freak.
Mission-a-fucking-complished.
Garbage goes in a garbage can. Goes without saying, right?
Wrong.
Every trash collection day a few people on my street just throw their mountain of garbage bags out on the curb. I’m talking like 8 or 9 bags of hot steaming garbage. Not only is that gross and dirty but it also looks scummy as all hell. Seriously, just bite the bullet and pony up the dough for a few barrels.(Spoiler Alert: You can fit more than one trash bag in a barrel!)
This fall, after years of studying the same boring shit, I finally reached the rank of “doctor”. Accordingly I decided that since I was now better than everyone else I used to work I decided that it was a good time to find a new job. While this new job came with several perks including a small increase in pay and a minute amount of feigned respect, it unfortunately came with changes to the working environment including an entirely new shitting situation. At the old job I had a relatively private bathroom used only by the few members of my work group and an enormous man named Stu who came once a day, every day around 11:00AM to destroy the bathroom. With this situation everybody was able to have their own private sessions and the unwritten rules of defecation were strictly adhered too. Now, I assumed that these rules were universal, but much to my surprise when I started at my new job site I learned very quickly that this was not the case. So here, in the hopes that maybe someone that I work with will read this rant, I am going to formally describe to you several rules which should be followed in almost all public bathrooms, except in case of emergency (Re: about to shit one’s pants). There are however a few notable exceptions. These include massive public locations such as ballparks, arenas and malls. Additionally these rules are not intended for use by women. I have no idea what the fuck goes on in women’s bathrooms. They have extra doors, sanitary napkin dispensers, clean counters, douche receptacles and usually smell like a combination of potpourri and woman shit. With those exceptions if you find yourself in violation of any of these rules you ought to reconsider just who the fuck you think you are and change your defecation procedure.
It’s winter time.
Winter is a bitch, but 2010-2011 has been particularly shitty all over the United States. TCM would like to present you with 3 tips on how not to be a bigger asshole thank you already are this winter and save yourself from being murdered by Captain Flintheart.
1. After a snow storm clean off the top of your car. I understand if you have a van or can’t reach the top of the vehicle. Other than that you have no excuse. I can’t stand driving behind someones car that has a snow mohawk and it’s flying off their roof onto my windshield. If I’m going to die driving it damn well better be due to my own negligence.
2. If you have to park in the street during a snow storm and your car gets plowed in over night, shovel the damn thing out. This doesn’t even effect me but it infuriates the living shit out of me. I can’t stand watching some idiot try to drive over feet of firmly packed plowed snow for 20 minutes and get stuck when it would have taken them 6 minutes to shovel out of all the snow. Don’t be an idiot. Buy a shovel if you live in the North East, you will use it.
3. Don’t walk in the street. I understand if things are messy and your on a desolate street. However, when sidewalks are shoveled and your on a main road you have no excuse. Don’t you understand in bad conditions drivers don’t always have the best control over their vehicles? We don’t want to slam on the breaks and skid into your dumb ass or another car because you felt like walking in the road.
Yea, I know that I have a lot of pet peeves but this winter is slowly moving these up the list. Oh yea, and if you happen to have car trouble or get stuck, the captains ain’t helping you unless you look like this.
For my birthday I decided I would pay tribute to the King by driving 20 hours from New York down to Graceland in Memphis. Being a Northerner and only visiting the South a handful of times it was easy for me to forget their undying passion for religion and their boy, Jesus Christ. Here is a small sampling of what was encountered on the road.
Last week, I was bored as shit so I decided to check out one of those used car TV channels where you can browse cars for sale. Well, 13 Red Bulls and 14 packs of Backwoods later, I finally came across a car you just don’t normally see here in the US, or anywhere for that matter.
The Reliant Robin.
What this is, as you can see, is a 3 wheeled car with the 3rd wheel in the front. Much like a trike, but it’s not a trike, it’s a car. After some extensive research, and some common sense returning I thought, “Who the fuck thought of this, President Bush!?” That cocksucker would go ahead and design a car like this thinking it would be all “green and shit”. Well it wasn’t Bush, it was some drunk English guy with nasty teeth back in the 70s. Those Redcoats have the craziest sense of humor (See Mr. Bean). Either way, they made a car that is prone to flipping. Put it this way, the Reliant is like a 3 legged dog. It can run straight just fine, but if it takes a corner too fast, it will roll. Unlike the dog though, if you are in the Reliant and roll, you will probably die.
See what our correspondent, Jeremy Clarkson has to say while taking Reliant Robin on a field test.
December 12, 2012 is a date that has people scratching your heads. According to ancient Mayan calendars, that is the end of the world as we know it. (Cut it out R.E.M.) Who the bloody hell knows what is going to happen when that date comes around. Will people all over the world go bonkers thinking, “Oh my God, the world is going to end!?” Maybe. Just maybe.
The only true person who knows what happens on that day is John Cusack. As we have seen in the film, 2012, he gets into several near death experiences while the world is ending but somehow miraculously escapes them all and as we’ve seen in Hot Tub Time Machine, he can travel through time. So what better person to ask than John Cusack himself. After several attempts to call, one black eye from his security guard and a restraining order against TCM we are unable to truly find out what will happen. So, we will turn to the next best thing; figuring this shit out for ourselves.
We sat down one Sunday afternoon over some tea and biscuits and had a very intellectual conversation about how we think the world will end in 2012. It was surprising enough with what we came up with even though no one walked away with any broken bones as that’s usually what happens during one of our “discussions”. So sit back, grab a bag of beer and a can of chips and ponder how your semi-awesome life will end. Hell, who knows one of these could actually be the Earth’s fate.
