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Treasure Chest for the Facial Hair Category


Feb252010

Leonardo DiCaprio’s Inability To Grow Facial Hair

Leonardo DiCaprio is one of the biggest Cinderella stories of our generation. From his humble beginnings on Growing Pains to his universally hated by all men role in Titanic. DiCaprio grew up and began to show off his formidable acting skills, making his presence known in the epic Scorsese film, The Departed. There is still one thing that has always bothered me about him, his inability to grow facial hair.

Facial hair is something we take very serious here at TCM. DiCaprio has been struggling with this his entire adult career. Never has it been more glaring than in the movie, Gangs Of New York. The movie takes place in the 1860′s when Civil War era facial hair was all the rage. It’s as if Scorsese gave everyone in the cast a month to grow out the most badass facial hair they could muster.  DiCaprio along side Daniel Day-Lewis looks down right embarrassing.

dicaprio Leonardo DiCaprios Inability To Grow Facial Hair

Things haven’t gone much better for Leo. Take The Departed for instance:

Dicaprio2 Leonardo DiCaprios Inability To Grow Facial Hair

With Shutter Island just being released, many people have been wondering if he has finally reached the age appropriateness to finally grow the proper facial hair that is required for a man.  While I can tell you that the movie is in fact excellent (and not at all what the previews make it out to be) DiCaprio still comes up short in the facial hair department.

dicaprio1 Leonardo DiCaprios Inability To Grow Facial Hair

We know that great things lie ahead for this actor. But great facial hair? Only time will tell.



Feb122010

Return Of The Selleck Waterfall Sandwhich

It’s back. What every 50-year old fat woman and Captain Flintheart dream about, Tom Selleck, flowing waterfalls, and classic sandwiches. Honestly, can you ever really have enough of that brilliant trifecta?

tumblr kx79pq8MWD1qahzc3o1 500 Return Of The Selleck Waterfall Sandwhich

and…

tumblr kxa7plOEmG1qahzc3o1 500 Return Of The Selleck Waterfall Sandwhich

and of course…

tumblr kx5cqm5Kqv1qahzc3o1 500 Return Of The Selleck Waterfall Sandwhich

I have no clue why there is a site built for this purpose, but somewhere someone is rejoicing right now (and it’s definitely someone who loves mustaches, food, and long walks on the beach).

This is no joke.



Feb82010

Selleck Waterfall Sandwich

That is all. Tom Selleck, a waterfall and a sandwich. That is all this site has to offer. You have a problem with that…go take it up with Magnum PI.

selleck Selleck Waterfall Sandwich

O yea, this site has a pretty dope theme song as well. Check that shit out.

Don’t be jealous because Tom Selleck gets to hang out in sweet waterfall destinations with some pretty sexy sandwiches.



Aug272009

A Facial Hair Tribute To The Civil War

The Civil War was a turbulent and volatile period in our great nation’s past. But their was more to this war than states rights and slavery. Foremost, this was a war of facial hair, the kind the United States had never seen and will likely never see again.

Please watch this video (the opening credits to the movie, Gettysburg) and remember a simpler time when the world was a different place and stunning facial dominated the American landscape.

Get the Flash Player to see this content.




Jul302009

Barber’s Secret Sideburn Code

I’m a man. I have sideburns. Since I was 14, I never went a day without them. If I did I would undoubtedly feel like a young child and lose any respect people might have once held for me.

Every time I have ever gotten a haircut, the exact same thing happens to me. They ask if they can trim my sideburns which I almost always refuse. Hell, I know I can do it better at home. Then they will ask to at least even them out and I say “ok”. What could be the harm in that? They are trained professionals. Their eyes are better than my own in that kind of situation. Yet every single time, they cut my sideburns at some dumb inverted angle. Just like I’m some kind of Jersey beach ghetto thug all star douche bag. I have to go home and even that shit out so I can look like a normal human again.

I always thought it was because I went to Fantastic Sam’s. (For those of you who don’t know, it’s a cheap generic hair cut chain). I switched to an old school barber about a year ago. He does the same fucking thing. What gives? Is there some secret code that all barbers follow? All I can think of is that everyone who cuts hair was somehow mesmerized by Captain Kirk’s Star Fleet mandated futuristic sideburns and now it is implanted deep in their subconscious somehwere.

SideburnsKirk 1 Barbers Secret Sideburn Code

unbelievableextra Barbers Secret Sideburn Code

Does anyone else have this issue?



Jul132009

With great sideburns comes great responsibility

There is a situation occurring in the world that was virtually unheard of decades and centuries ago – facial hair is losing its style. We at TCM wonder whether facial hair is actually losing it’s style or if men now a days are too pussy to rock something truly unique and somewhat awesome on their mugs. Back in the day, facial hair set men apart from, well, other men. Today it’s either what car you drive or how you dress. It’s a shame.

Well it’s up the Captain’s to take you for a stroll down memory lane to marvel at some famous facial-haired forefathers:

untitled With great sideburns comes great responsibility

You guessed it – this is Ivan the Terrible. In the frozen land of Russia, he popularized the beard and beating his kids. Although this is a mere painting, notice the intensity of this beard. If you rocked this today, someone would think of you as a serial killer or raving lunatic.

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Jun52009

The Playoff Beard.

It is a spectacle in the sport of hockey. Players letting their facial hair grow out throughout their team’s playoff run. It originated back in the 80s when players did not want to re-open facial wounds during the playoffs, so they just quit shaving. It has evolved to be a timeline of survival. The bigger the beard, the longer that player and his team have advanced closer to Lord Stanley’s Cup.

It’s unfortunate though for those who cannot grow an acceptable playoff beard. Lets take the Penguins’ Sidney Crosby for example. Sure, he is a great player, but this kid cannot grow a beard to save his career. Now compare that to his rival in the cup playoffs, Kris Draper– a seasoned veteran — who puts Crosby’s pubie looking beard to absolute shame. Just take a look at exhibit A below. Draper and the Wings should win the Stanley Cup on beard performance alone.

playoffbeard The Playoff Beard.

The playoff beard doesn’t have to just be used by hockey players during the playoffs. It can be used by anyone for anything. Here is a list of 5 other reasons to grow a playoff beard. (Ladies, this list is not for you. Please don’t grow a beard, that’s not socially acceptable and to be honest, just plain gross.)

  1. You are a “playa” and each time you meet a new girl, you grow your beard to show others how long you have been with her. By growing the beard, it makes her less attracted to you which would eventually lead up to her leaving you. You now do not look like the asshole essentially making you the winner. Shave beard, repeat.
  2. This is quite the opposite of #1. Grow your beard in between times you have sex. If it starts to get too long, then you know its time to go muff hunting. Don’t turn into this or the world will know how pathetic you truly are. Have sex, shave beard, repeat.
  3. When you purchase milk, or anything that has an expiration date, grow your beard. When your beard reaches your belly button, its time to toss out that milk which now talks. Think of your beard as kind of an expiration alarm clock. Buy milk, shave beard, repeat.
  4. Whenever FOX comes out with a new reality TV show, grow your beard until the show 100% will become canceled. Shave beard and repeat for all the retardedness that comes out of that network (With a few exceptions of course).
  5. Buy a hybrid, fill up tank with gas and let your beard grow. Gloat to friends when beard passes your collar saying, “my hybrid gets better gas mileage than your car.” Drive off cliff, die.

So there you have it ladies and gents…the playoff beard.

Grow your own beard here, you pre-pubescent biyatch.


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