TCM can’t get enough of these asinine news headlines. America seems to have forgotten that some of us actually have brains.
As always a big thanks to Shaffer for collecting and sending these screen shots over to us.
Treasure Chest for the ‘News’ Category
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StumbleMar112010
Conan O’Brien Goes On Tour
TCM’s (and everyone’s) favorite fair skinned awkwardly tall ginger is back! Now that he’s got nothing to do, Conan is hitting the road with Andy Richter and members of the Tonight Show Band on the “Legally Prohibited From Being Funny On Television Tour”. Visiting most major U.S. cities from April – June and even making a stop at the Bonnaroo Music Festival. Further proof that Conan really is the coolest man on the planet.
You can catch his pale ass on the following dates and locations:
- 04-12 Eugene, OR – Hult Ceter for the Performing Arts
- 04-13 Vancouver, British Columbia – Orpheum Theatre
- 04-14 Vancouver, British Columbia – Orpheum Theatre
- 04-16 Spokane, WA – INB Performing Arts Center
- 04-17 Enoch, Alberta – River Cree Resort & Casino
- 04-18 Seattle, WA – Marion Oliver McCaw Hall
- 04-19 Seattle, WA – Marion Oliver McCaw Hall
- 04-22 San Francisco, CA – Nob Hill Masonic Center
- 04-23 San Francisco, CA – Nob Hill Masonic Center
- 04-24 Universal City, CA – Gibson Amphitheater
- 04-25 Universal City, CA – Gibson Amphitheater
- 04-29 San Diego, CA – San Diego Civic Theatre
- 04-30 Phoenix, AZ – Dodge Theatre
- 05-01 Las Vegas, NV – The Pearl Concert Theatre – Palms Casino
- 05-04 Reno, NV – Grand Sierra Resort & Casino – Grand Theatre
- 05-05 San Jose, CA – San Jose State University Events Center
- 05-06 Sacramento, CA – Sacramento Memorial Auditorium
- 05-09 Boulder, CO – Mackey Auditorium
- 05-13 Dallas, TX – McFarlin Memorial Auditorium – SMU Campus
- 05-14 Austin, TX – Austin Music Hall
- 05-15 Tulsa, OK – Brady Theater
- 05-16 Kansas City, MO – Midland Theatre
- 05-18 Minneapolis, MN – Orpheum Theatre
- 05-19 Chicago, IL – Chicago Theatre
- 05-20 Chicago, IL – Chicago Theatre
- 05-22 Toronto, Ontario – Massey Hall
- 05-30 Atlantic City, NJ – Borgata Spa & Resort – Event Center
- 06-01 New York, NY – Radio City Music Hall
- 06-02 New York, NY – Radio City Music Hall
- 06-04 Boston, MA – Wang Theater
- 06-05 Boston, MA – Wang Theater
- 06-06 Uncasville, CT – Mohegan Sun Arena
- 06-07 Upper Darby, PA – Tower Theatre
- 06-08 Washington, DC – Constitution Hall
- 06-11 Manchester, TN – Bonnaroo Music Festival
- 06-14 Atlanta, GA – Fox Theatre
Still don’t believe me? Go here and see for yourself…tickets are on sale NOW.
Author’s Note: This Captain will see ya’ll bitches in Connecticut!
Mar12010
Headline News
Have you noticed that America is becoming dumber? When you check your e-mail on a website like Yahoo or AOL that has news headlines, the most prominent one is always something so incredibly idiotic about Jessica Simpson that makes your brain hurt (much like hers when she attempts to think). Meanwhile, the real headline news is buried really small in the corner.
Well, loyal TCM reader Shaffer and I have been kicking around this idea for months. He spent a long time collection screen shots of Yahoo’s homepage and we’d like to present it to you in a new segment we call, Headline News. In all cases please note the retarded banner headline and the top real news headline on the bottom half of the screen.
Way to go America! Thanks for treating us all like we are 14 year old girls and brain dead hicks.
Feb242010
The Strokes Return
The Strokes put out 3 critically acclaimed albums from 2001-2006 and than disappeared into indefinite hiatus land which saw every single member (except for second guitarist, Nick Valensi) do their own solo projects. Most recently and most Strokes sounding was lead singer, Julian Casablancas’ album. Well, we finally have good news to report as the band is back in the studio recording and eying a September 2010 album release. They also have confirmed two isolated concert appearances at music festivals in the UK.
In honor of this news, we’d like to show you a music video that is a TCM favorite. It combines binge drinking and Family Feud hosted by a robust Al Borland. It’s the song, “Someday” from the Strokes 2001 debut, Is This It?
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Feb162010
The War On Fat Kids
First there was the War on Drugs, then the War on Terror, and now we’re fighting a new war – the War on Fat Kids. It’s true, the government is allocating a lot of resources (money) to combat (force) little chubsters (fatties) to get in shape (not be so fat).
To put this in perspective, let me defer to Mr. Matt Furey on his opinions on fat kids and nutrition:
Yes, I am very concerned about obesity in this nation – but it begins with adults, not kids. It trickles down from mom and pop and their bad habits…It trickles down from fat parents who don’t read labels and don’t exercise. And don’t care.
Damn Matt Furey, you’re right. It’s not the kids we need to be targeting, but their fat parents! Parents who take the easy road and serve up double cheeseburgers instead of double servings of vegetables and other healthy foods.
You can’t just blame parents, though because as a nation we’re a huge collection of fat asses. Collectively two of three Americans are basically obese. I measure in at 5′10 220 lbs. and am considered mildly obese. I exercise, ride bikes, play sports, climb mountains, and live a normal life; yet I’m characterized as basically being a fat ass.
How did it get this way? Well for me, the post college years kicked my ass. Transitioning from days filled of walking around campus, playing pick up games of hoop, tennis, racquetball, etc., going to the gym, and going for a jog to sitting in front of a desk for 10 hours tends to take a toll on a man/woman. Companies need to consider wellness stations at work for this reason. Imagine how much productivity would increase if workers have more energy?
For America’s little fatties things are different. When I grew up, there was this concept of “play.” Play was anything. Play was riding bikes around town. Play was playing kill the carrier in someone’s front lawn. Play was hiking through the woods looking for Playboy’s. Play was something active – not video games, TV, or anything kids today do.
Why did play disappear? Well, today’s parents are pussies. There is no rational reason for calling them this outside of it being the truth. The world is too dangerous for their kids even if they live in the suburbs that has more cops than it knows what to do with. Rapists, murderers, pedophiles, and other rouges have existed for thousands of years, yet just today we’re now concerned with them ruining the welfare of our children.
Wake up parents. You want your kid to get skinny, get them off their ass and outside to create their own problems. The fact we’re going to spend more tax dollars to start a “new war” makes me sick.
We should consider taking a similar approach to what Japan is doing – set limits on clothes sizes and watch people get in shape fast. Yes, there is a fat tax in Japan and it works. If you are fat, you have to pay more money to live.
It’s worth a shot. The other alternative is paying more taxes because America’s little fatties are overprotected by their parents who probably are fat and have no intention of changing.
Feb82010
Red Hot Chili Peppers…Luke Warm?
I’m going to start off by saying that the Red Hot Chili Peppers is one of my favorite “modern” bands. If that isn’t kosher with you, you should probably stop reading this article.
Chili Peppers guitarist and musical madman, John Frusciante has quit the band. After releasing the double album, Stadium Arcadium in 2006 and the accompanying world tour that followed for the next 2 years, the band took a much needed hiatus. RHCP are now back in the studio recording their follow up album, but it was announced a few weeks ago that Frusciante had quit during the band’s time off over a year ago.
Frusciante has had a turbulent relationship with the band from the get go. Joining the band as guitar player for 1989’s Mother’s Milk replacing his idol, Hillel Slovak after he died of a heroin overdose. In 1991, the band finally broke through with the stunning masterpiece Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magick. An incredible amalgam of funk, punk, rock, sex, rap and classic rock. It became their commercial break through due in no small part to Frusciante’s blistering guitar aptitude.
Midway through the successful tour for this album, Frusciante abruptly quit. Not liking what came along with being an international celebrity he retreated from the lime light, becoming a recluse of almost J.D. Salinger proportions. This eventually brought him into grips with severe heroin addiction. Meanwhile, the Chili Peppers decided to solider on with a guitarist who was a punk/funk alumnus, Dave Navarro from Jane’s Addiction. They recorded One Hot Minute in 1995, a middle of the road release that while was well received was stylistically stagnant.
In 1998, Flea convinced Frusciante to get clean and return to RHCP, saving him from almost certain death as well as the band. They recorded Californication and mounted both a huge commercial and artistic comeback as modern rock radio welcomed them back with open arms. They followed this newly found success with another critically heralded album, By The Way. Where the funk took a back seat to song craft, resulting in more melodic and relaxed compositions.
This leads us back to 2006, when the band who had recorded enough for a triple album, released the double disced, Stadium Arcadium. The resulting cd was a mixed bag that acted as a summation of every style the band play since Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magick, while simultaneously cranking up the commercial appeal. The band toured extensively and than took an indefinite hiatus which saw Frusciante release his tenth solo album.
When the Red Hot Chili Peppers did return to the studio in the fall of ‘09, Frusciante announced on his blog he had quit the band during the hiatus. Josh Klinghoffer was named as the band’s in studio replacement (it hasn’t been announced whether he will tour with them as well, but it seems likely). Klinghoffer is kind of a young apprentice of sorts to Frusciante. On many of John’s solo albums, Klinghoffer and himself were a two man band, playing all the instruments. For the Chili Peppers’ Stadium Arcadium tour, Klinghoffer was included as a 2nd guitarist to allow Frusciante greater technical freedom on stage. So his joining the band seems like a natural choice.
Many fans are skeptical. While no doubt, Klinghoffer is a talented guitarist and musician, their was a certain synergy Frusciante brought to the band as well as complex backing vocals. This captain has his reservations, but he’s willing to watch as it plays out to see if the Red Hot Chili Peppers can reinvent themselves one more time.
Feb12010
J.D. Salinger Is Dead
As many of you undoubtedly have heard, famous Catcher In The Rye author, J.D. Salinger died last Thursday at the age of 91. This presents very conflicted emotions for me, because I was both elated and also saddened when I heard the news. On one hand, the author has written one of the seminal books of the 20th century portraying teenage angst and confusion in a way I’ve never seen equaled. In fact, Catcher In The Rye’s beauty somehow only magnifies the older you become (the book has the distinct honor of being one of two books I’ve read multiple times and will continue to do so).
On the other hand, the author has not published since 1965. Actually, Catcher In The Rye is the only true book he released. His entire anthologized published output amounts to 4 short novellas spread out across 2 books and a collection of 9 short stories. Countless other short stories were published in the leading magazines of the 1940’s and 50’s but never collected.
Salinger’s death has been something I’ve been eagerly awaiting and excited about for years. Starting in the 1960’s he became America’s most fascinating recluse, moving to the remote town of Cornish, New Hampshire. Periodically emerging from the house for groceries and to scare off teenagers pilgrimaging to see him. The legend goes that he continued to write daily without publishing, simply because he loved the act of doing so. He was sick of dealing with critics, publishers and the general public. His daughter wrote a memoir a few years back saying that he had stacks of manuscripts ear marked for when he died to, “publish as is”, “edit before publishing” etc. I’m positive his estate will go through with this and take advantage of a tremendous cash cow.
This whole situation is fascinating to me. It’s like if the Beatles had stopped making records in 1966 with Revolver and had stopped touring, but continued to record albums and just chose not to release them. Then when John Lennon died they released Sgt. Peppers and the White Album and the rest of the catalog.
This all presents very exciting possibilities. I mourn your death J.D. Salinger, but I look forward to appreciating your work both old and new for years to come.
“I think, even, if I ever die, and they stick me in a cemetery, and I have a tombstone and all, it’ll say ‘Holden Caulfield’ on it, and then what year I was born and what year I died, and then right under that it’ll say ‘Fuck you.’ I’m positive, in fact”
-Catcher In The Rye (1951)
Jan292010
Quite Possibly the Greatest High School on Earth…
Remember not too long ago the High School in Brooklyn that had several fairly decent female teachers doing things I wish happened to me in my High School. Let’s have a quick breakdown of what has happened over the past 2 months:
Incident #1
In early December of 09 at James Madison High School, language teachers Alini Brito and Cindy Mauro were caught having fun together naked in their classroom. Unfortunately for them, and their male students, a janitor came across them and being the dick that he was, reported them. Ok first things first Senor Janitor, my initial instinct would be to see if they needed any assistance, you know in de-clothing each other. If they did not, then blackmail comes into affect. Tell them that if you can’t join them, then you will tell on them while in reality you won’t because they are probably 2 of the better looking teachers in the school. Why would you want to ruin possibly the main reason you come to work…besides cleaning up piss and throw-up? Not smart dude.
So these teachers are scolded and sent to the “rubber room”. Some room where you learn about safe sex…I don’t really know. The greatest quote comes from one of their students:
“[Ms. Mauro] was pretty fun,” said junior Eddie Ramirez, 18.
“She dressed like a teenage girl – she’d wear low-cut tops, shorts, three-quarter length jeans. She was kinda sexy.
“You could see that she was the kind of person who would flirt.”
My kind of teacher! Here is a video from this incident (Please note that one of the kids name is Vulcan):
End Incident #1.
Incident #2
Not even a day after Incident #1, in the same school, Social studies teacher Allison Musacchio was accused of having a relationship with a male student. Unfortunately for Allison, this little pimp had a girlfriend at the same school. There is nothing more dangerous in life than a jealous teenage girlfriend I tell you that. That bitches hormones be ragin’ son! This student’s girlfriend got a hold of his phone and saw that this teacher was in his contact list and being the extreme cock block that she is, reported this to the school. Upon viewing this students phone, there were over 200 texts and phone calls between the two. A guy who claims to be this woman’s boyfriend said he doesn’t know of any of these allegations and says that “I try to stay out of her business. I just know she’s a teacher here in Brooklyn”. Your obviously not doing a good job satisfying your woman dude…I mean she went off to have a fling with a high schooler. You just got punked out by a high schooler. Who’s the dick now.
Incident #2 in real form here.
Incident #3
After being dormant for over a month, James Madison High School is back at the sex scandal scene again like a crackhead who gave up for a few hours but then forgot that he was giving up crack only to smoke it again later that same day. This time it is 37 year old gym teacher Lisa Guttilla who is accused of fondling a 14 year old girl. Gutilla kept the girl quiet by promising her that all they would do in gym class was play hopscotch or whatever it is 14 year old girls like to do…text message? I don’t goddamn know. One day after coming home from school the mother saw a hickey on the girls neck and asked her what boy did this to her. She fessed up immediately that it was her female gym teacher. Not only was this a shock to the mother that a teacher did this to her but what a friggen way to find out your daughter is a dyke!
Guttilla is being reassigned and being examined by top men…Top. Men.
The third incident can be found by clicking this blue link.
A final TCM note: Don’t be surprised if you see a porno being made out of this. Much like The Office and most recently, The Jersey Shore (Don’t worry, we will be touching upon this very shortly). Enjoy your day at school kids!
