Treasure Chest for the ‘News’ Category


Aug42010

REAL LIFE TREASURE HUNT!!!

LIF1 REAL LIFE TREASURE HUNT!!!

Our most recent staff photo - Kirk and Fuerza were in the shitter

Got your attention? Apparently two guys in NYC thought it would be a good idea to bury $10,000 in gold $1 coins in a random location in NYC and publicize it as a treasure hunt. I have no clue why they think this is a great idea. I mean if I have $10,000, I’m probably going to blow it on really dumb things that I don’t need. These two guys really want to create some publicity for their puppet shows so that’s why they’re doing this. Yes you heard that right, puppet shows.

Although their motives are questionable, the Captain’s can’t be any happier to put together the old crew, get drunk on a shit load of rum, and find some treasure in NYC. When it comes down to it, who wouldn’t enjoy spending some of their free time insanely drunk searching for gold in the middle of a mega-metropolis?

Like Prince said to Charley Murphy, “assemble your crew.”




Jul262010

You know times are tough when…

Darth Vader has to resort to robbing a bank.

vader You know times are tough when…

He showed up without his storm troopers at a Long Island bank but was armed with a semi-automatic pistol. Apparently a light saber wouldn’t have done the trick.




Jun142010

Headline News

In one of our favorite segments we like to show our readers how stupid America has become and the kind of news headlines one might see when they are checking their emails. This unfortunatley is an abridged version, but it speaks volumes.

0516101650 Headline News

Thanks again to Shaffer for making this happen.




Jun12010

Drugs Give You Super Powers…

In this case, the super power to rip a man’s heart out.

So yea…Jarrod Wyatt, a US cagefighter, thought it would be a great idea to drink a cup of shroom tea and then rip out his trainers heart, Taylor Powell, while he was still alive.

article 0 09D2A2A1000005DC 134 233x316 Drugs Give You Super Powers...

If ripping out Powell’s heart wasn’t enough, he also cut out his tongue and ripped most of his face off. When the police arrived to the scene:

They claim they found the 26-year-old standing naked over his friend’s body with parts, including an eyeball, strewn around the blood splattered room in Klamath, California.

If this was a movie, and not real life, this would probably rate pretty high on badass things to do list. But it was real life so it rates pretty high on the most fucked up things you could possibly do list. His reason for it all, “I thought he was possessed by the devil”.

Oh, well that makes it OK then.

The best part of it all is that his lawyer tried to play the scene down by stating:

‘My client was trying to silence the devil,’ said James Fallman.

‘I think he was having a psychotic fit based on the mushrooms he had.’

Shit…You think!?

Read more about one of Captain Polish’s sexual fantasies here.




May262010

In the market for a house?

amityold In the market for a house?

Well, why don’t you buy the Amityville Horror House? Yes folks, the infamous house that Ronald DeFeo Jr. murdered six family members in 1974 is up for sale for a cool $1.15 million. You will be glad to know that the house does not come with bleeding walls, swarms of flies or a demon pig named Jodie. It does however come with a boat house, 3 and a half baths and sits right on the water. Not bad for once a house that was apparently haunted as shit and was originally bought for $80,000.

Here is what the current house looks like:

amitynew In the market for a house?

Pretty nice house considering 35 years ago some pretty sketchy shit went on.

Come on buy it, you know you want to. If you mention TCM to the Realtor, maybe…just maybe, he’ll throw in those bleeding walls.

Good lookin’ Hot Dog.




Apr12010

“Hi, my name is TexasMotorSpeedway.com”

Well if NASCAR isn’t the world most boring sport right next to basketball and Extreme Grass Growing Championships, the President of the Texas Motor Speedway is trying to spruce things up a bit. Not with the actual NASCAR, but with a local radio DJ.

nascarcrash Hi, my name is TexasMotorSpeedway.com

Eddie Gossage, the President of Texas Motor Speedway, is asking a local radio DJ to change his name to TexasMotorSpeedway.com for a single year and get a tattoo of the speedway. The DJ has 24 hours to respond. Why would anyone change their name to that you ask? Well, how does receiving $100,000 to do so sound? Yea, I’d probably do it. But then again I’d also climb the Empire State Building wearing a pair of them old fuzzy pajamas with the ass flap open and once I reached the top, I’d take a huge poop off the building shouting, “Fire in the hole!” for a junior bacon cheeseburger and 3 chicken nuggets from Wendy’s. That’s also negotiable.

Hey, here’s an idea. If you legally change your name to TheCaptainsMemos.com, we will send you a shitload of stickers. Hell, even if you name your poop TheCaptainsMemos.com we will be happy.

Yahoo, the leader in NASCAR news, broke this retarded story here.




Mar302010

“Daddy Juice” Simpson

juice Daddy Juice Simpson

Apparently OJ is making some new friends while in the big house. A gay gang–if that’s not one of the scarier things you have heard of–called “The Girls” has befriended OJ nicknaming him “Daddy Juice”. They are pretty much worshiping the ground he walks on. They give him “massages” let him gamble on sports and even allows him to tickle them with a feather duster. How a feather duster got into the prison, I don’t know. According to a former cell-mate, “Daddy Juice really knew how to take care of his ‘girls’”.

What happened OJ?

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

Don’t be jealous because OJ is living the….life?

Thanks to an anonymous fruit for passing this one along.




Mar292010

Breaking News!

It’s official ladies and gentlemen, Ricky Martin is 100% gay.

rickymartin Breaking News!

To be quite honest, I’m not 100% sure this is truly breaking news. I mean, have you ever seen this guy? That’s almost like a bear coming up to you and saying, “Hey, I’m a bear.” Of course you would be like, “Nooo, I didn’t know that!”. Cause if you responded like, “No shit dumbass”, the bear would probably eat you. And then you’d think, “Wow, I’m so ripped right now…that bear in The Cleveland Show talks!”

But yea, Ricky Martin is gay. Well, if you think we are making it up, go check out Ricky’s gay site and read it in his gay words.

Watch out boys, he bangs…guys.



Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Next