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Treasure Chest for the News Category


Aug242011

Where were you on 8/23?

This is a day that will live in infamy. More likely than not only for a week or 2. Yesterday, folks on the Eastern Seaboard (That’s the East Coast for all of you gangsta’s) had an earthquake. It was centered somewhere in Virginia and the violent, destructive shaking was felt from Boston down to South Carolina. Here is a photo of some of the aftermath:

quake Where were you on 8/23?

I hope no one was in that seat at the time.

Here are several other things I hope people were not doing during the Eastern Earthquake of 2011. If so, may God save their souls…

  • Walking a tightrope
  • Building a house out of cards
  • Putting together a model ship inside a glass bottle
  • Painting pinstripes on a fancy ass car
  • Getting a tattoo
  • Putting on makeup
  • Stacking all of your empty beer cans into an extremely tall tower

Anyhoo, the earthquake was just Momma Earth letting us know that she is there and could easily (in Russian accent) crush us like bug. All in all, it was really nothing. The rumble could have been compared to one of my fat neighbors taking their morning shit. I get stinky ass 6.0 tremors on the reg thanks to them. Well lucky for you all, at least the earthquake didn’t smell like shit having sex with puke and then them having a baby. Then that baby grows up and has sex with a fart and then they have a baby. Then that baby grows up and has sex with garbage and they have a baby. Then that baby takes a shit. Yes, it is exactly like that.



Jul282011

Woman Rips Baby From Stroller, To Eat Its Arm

When I first saw that headline, I couldn’t believe that it had nothing to do with either zombies or Captain Polish’s cocaine bender from a few months ago. Not to mention that it was actually from the New York Daily News and not the Onion.  Goddamn, this beautiful woman was fucking hungry.

The exact transcript below has been lifted from the Daily News article and presented to TCM readers in all it’s glory.

alg woman attack baby Woman Rips Baby From Stroller, To Eat Its Arm

Police released this mugshot of Natasha Hubbard, accused of attacking a stranger’s infant baby in downtown Los Angeles last week.

LOS ANGELES – A crazed woman randomly snatched an infant from a stroller, slammed the baby into a pole and later said she was trying to break the baby’s arm off “so she could eat it,” Los Angeles cops said Wednesday.

Prosecutors have charged Natasha Hubbard, 36, with aggravated assault and released her photo believing she may have other victims from her wild rampage in downtown Los Angeles last Thursday.

The terrifying incident with the 4-month-old boy took place in a crowded shopping district packed with families, police said.

Detectives said mom Adriana Miranda, 29, was pushing her infant son Alexander in his stroller when Hubbard unbelted the child and grabbed him by the leg.

Witnesses said Hubbard then swung the baby over her head and slammed him into a metal rail of a nearby truck as the mom and the baby’s aunt watched in horror, police said.

The mother and aunt fought off the woman, with the suspect clawing at Miranda as she clutched the baby boy in her arms, police said.

Arriving officers were able to locate Hubbard with the help of witnesses who pointed her out.

She’s now in jail with bail set at $55,000.

Hubbard told detectives that she tried to break off the baby’s arm so she could eat it, police said.

The tiny victim received bruises and scratches as a result of the attack.



Mar142011

Libya you got problems? The Captains can help!

Dear Rebels of Libya and any other bat shit country that produces oil –

I like what you’re doing. You’re giving it back to the man that has oppressed you for so long and that’s damn amazing. I’m stoked you found a way to use Facebook to help your cause instead of just creeping on people you knew ten years ago too, kudos on that. I also think the groping of female reporters is not that big of an issue. Have they ever been to a punk show before? Gropage is a worldwide phenomenon that was not created by your glorious revolutions.

mommarsnuka Libya you got problems? The Captains can help!

One thing I’m not too keen on is the fact you’re fucking up our oil situation here in the states. We need oil and we need the price to stay low. We’re addicting to oil like Tyrone Biggins is addicted to his crack rocks – yeah, it’s that bad. I’m personally not a fan of paying out my ass to fill up my POS car so I can get to work, the bar, and other commonly visited places on a weekly basis.

Read More »



Sep202010

“Hide your kids, hide your wife”

The news report and hit song that’s taking the world by storm.

First for the report:

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

And now for the song:

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

Good news on Antione. With the money he made from actually making this into an iTunes song, he moved out of the projects. This is great for him, but bittersweet for us. I don’t think we’ll be hearing any good songs from Mr. Dodson any time soon.



Aug42010

REAL LIFE TREASURE HUNT!!!

LIF1 REAL LIFE TREASURE HUNT!!!

Our most recent staff photo - Kirk and Fuerza were in the shitter

Got your attention? Apparently two guys in NYC thought it would be a good idea to bury $10,000 in gold $1 coins in a random location in NYC and publicize it as a treasure hunt. I have no clue why they think this is a great idea. I mean if I have $10,000, I’m probably going to blow it on really dumb things that I don’t need. These two guys really want to create some publicity for their puppet shows so that’s why they’re doing this. Yes you heard that right, puppet shows.

Although their motives are questionable, the Captain’s can’t be any happier to put together the old crew, get drunk on a shit load of rum, and find some treasure in NYC. When it comes down to it, who wouldn’t enjoy spending some of their free time insanely drunk searching for gold in the middle of a mega-metropolis?

Like Prince said to Charley Murphy, “assemble your crew.”



Jul262010

You know times are tough when…

Darth Vader has to resort to robbing a bank.

vader You know times are tough when…

He showed up without his storm troopers at a Long Island bank but was armed with a semi-automatic pistol. Apparently a light saber wouldn’t have done the trick.



Jun142010

Headline News

In one of our favorite segments we like to show our readers how stupid America has become and the kind of news headlines one might see when they are checking their emails. This unfortunatley is an abridged version, but it speaks volumes.

0516101650 Headline News

Thanks again to Shaffer for making this happen.



Jun12010

Drugs Give You Super Powers…

In this case, the super power to rip a man’s heart out.

So yea…Jarrod Wyatt, a US cagefighter, thought it would be a great idea to drink a cup of shroom tea and then rip out his trainers heart, Taylor Powell, while he was still alive.

article 0 09D2A2A1000005DC 134 233x316 Drugs Give You Super Powers...

If ripping out Powell’s heart wasn’t enough, he also cut out his tongue and ripped most of his face off. When the police arrived to the scene:

They claim they found the 26-year-old standing naked over his friend’s body with parts, including an eyeball, strewn around the blood splattered room in Klamath, California.

If this was a movie, and not real life, this would probably rate pretty high on badass things to do list. But it was real life so it rates pretty high on the most fucked up things you could possibly do list. His reason for it all, “I thought he was possessed by the devil”.

Oh, well that makes it OK then.

The best part of it all is that his lawyer tried to play the scene down by stating:

‘My client was trying to silence the devil,’ said James Fallman.

‘I think he was having a psychotic fit based on the mushrooms he had.’

Shit…You think!?

Read more about one of Captain Polish’s sexual fantasies here.


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