Pirates have long been the coolest of cool and it nowhere does it show that that will change.
Want to make a million dollar movie?
Make it about pirates.
Want to get laid for halloween?
Dress like a pirate.
Want to win the presidency of your student body in college?
Run as a pirate.
Yep, that’s right readers, the clip below is of the NCSU Pirate Captain who ran and won student body president. Word has it, all the school officials were aghast.
Remember Pirates vs. Ninjas? Sure you do. That’s more realistic than what I’m about to suggest. But that “epic” battle has apparently been going on for centuries. Have any of you seen a real life pirate vs. ninja battle? I didn’t think so. I almost saw one once on the hit TV show Walker Texas Ranger, but it turned out to be Chuck Norris vs. a Bear. If you have seen one however, please let us know.
Moving forward, we here at TCM believe that this next “epic” battle is much more spectacular and unrealistic. Pirates vs. Dinosaurs. Picture Pirates of the Caribbean meets Jurassic Park. How fantastic would that be? We all know pirates sail around from island to island pillaging and looting until satisfied. Well, what would happen if the pirates eventually came across the island of Isla Nublar (aka Jurassic Park). Well my friends, you are about to find out.
In the 1600′s pirates were known for pillaging locals as they stormed through ports and raided local towns. The pirates would hoard as much gold and jewels as they could find, storing it in treasure chests and caves around the world. While drinking rum, sexing up local whores, and travelling the 7 seas were fun, it did not teach them the basics of diversification. Keeping all of their investments in one asset class (gold/diamonds) was never one of the smarter things pirates could have done. In 2009, we are in a more civilized world. So this begs the question, where would pirates invest their money today? In the Pirate Fund, L.P of course.
Here are the core holdings:
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In 1776, gold was discovered by Christopher Columbus on the west coast of America. He sent a local female Indian by the name of Pocahontas back to the UK to tell the Queen. Queen Elizabeth, without hesitation, decided to send an armada of ships to explore, settle, and mine for the gold. When the new settlers arrived, it did not take long to realize that the hike to the west coast was too long and arduous a mission so they decided instead to build colonies on the east coast of this new world.
Word travelled back to the queen that the settlers were not obeying her command so she sent an army of pirates, by giving them three free boats (Nina, Pinta, Santa Maria), to reinstate an old law known as premonocta on the new American families.
Yes folks, this week is dedicated to pirates here at TCM. Your probably thinking, how retarded is it that a pirate themed website is having a week dedicated to pirates? Come to think of it, that is quite stupid. But TCM is full of stupidity.
If you think about it pirates have influenced everyone’s lives in some way. Take the mailman for example. His job is to deliver the mail, much like pirates who’s job was to deliver death and destruction with an occasional rape here and there. The mailman carries mace on his hip to ward off crackheads and dogs. Pirates carried swords on their hips to swashbuckle and stab people they were robbing, hijacking and raping. Not to mention to fight off the occasional sea monster. Mailmen carry bags with peoples mail in it. Pirates carried bags full of booty, makeshift bombs, bones or anything you can think of…quite possibly even mail. Mailmen drive around mail trucks from house to house delivering the mail. Pirates sailed around from town to town owning the shit out of each one, delivering yet again, death and destruction with a side of rape.
Now dolphins are turning metrosexual. TCM has the photo to prove it.
It’s actually an albino dolphin. But to be honest, if me and my fellow maytees were out on the seven sea’s and we saw this, I’d be ordering the canon’s to be fired upon it immediately. Douchery doesn’t need to be leaked into the ocean.
