Treasure Chest for the ‘If I had known then what I know now’ Category


Mar102010

Odd Chum

OddChum Cows Odd Chum



Dec92009

Sketchy Santa’s

Do you remember going to the mall as a kid before Christmas and seeing Santa Claus? Do you also remember how insanely cracked out and insane looking the mall Santa looked? Well there’s now a web site that highlights these Sketchy Santa’s:

Pam Sketchy Santas

This guy is straight out of “Attack of the Killer Space Clowns” circa 1988.

Rachel Sketchy Santas

I’m pretty sure this guy is either on meth or is planning on taking the local post office hostage after his shift is over.

59 charles Sketchy Santas

Whooa buddy. Watch those hands.

Enjoy and send your pics in. Believe it or not, the third pic is of a young Captain Yar.



Oct262009

Massive-two-shits Random Laws

This past weekend I attended a bachelor party in lovely Boston, MA – the birthplace of liberty some say. (Other historians and nay-sayers will argue in favor of Philadelphia, but Captain Flintheart will tell you there is no such freedom in that city. I disgress, getting back to the story.)

I was rather stoked for this bachelor party being it’s for a buddy of mine I’ve knew since grade school. He moved to Connecticut for some reason and has been in isolation ever since. Regardless, I was excited for the weekend, but I was curious on the ironic choice of Boston for two reasons:

  1. a bachelor party is typically the “last hurrah” before the bachelor loses their freedom forever through marriage; and
  2. the very same Patriots that fought for our precious liberty out of Boston would be alarmed with some of the laws that now exist within the Commonwealth of Massive-two-shits.

The first irony I list is relatively easy to understand. Angry Bostonians created the stir that eventually led to the Revolutionary War and our subsequent freedom. A bachelor party signals the end of said freedom.

The second irony is due to all the ridiculous laws the Commonwealth has adopted that are pretty random. Want a list?

  • Out-of-state visitors that are younger than 25 years of age cannot purchase alcohol at events, i.e. concerts, baseball games, etc.
  • It is illegal to order a Lobster Tail a la carte at a restaurant.
  • Drinking out of pitchers is forbidden due to Commonwealth Law.
  • Bars and Restaurants cannot discount beverages to attract revelers, i.e. no Happy Hour

I’m sure there may be one or two random laws we came across or tried to break this past weekend that are not on the above list, but you get the point. These are some random laws which limits the freedoms of people who choogle in Boston.

Bartenders definitely infringed in my opinion as they ripped a pitcher out of my hands while I was about to take a swig. In addition, not being able to order a Lobster on the side with a side of mashed potatoes is horse shit. I was victim to the “less than 25″ rule a few years back at a Pearl Jam show. And for the life of me, I can’t figure out the bit with no happy hours. I’m appalled.

Well, not all is lost. On the way home, I witnessed one of the greatest scenes ever:

Quinns Bachelor Party 102509 019 Massive two shits Random Laws

Yes. That is a woman filling up her gas tank from the wrong side because she just wanted to make “it work.” It didn’t. It was rather humorous and made me less angry about the random laws that exist in the Commonwealth of MA.

Word to the wise, consult a lawyer before traveling to this Commonwealth. On a side note, why the hell is a Commonwealth and what does that mean?



Sep102009

The Rise of the King’s of Leon and the Fall of Rock & Roll

It’s March, 2008. The sun begins shining through the newly grown leaves, blowing side to side as the fresh air gently makes it way through the trees. I untangle my iPod cord and guide it up my arm, through my shirt, back through the neck hole as the buds connect to my ears. This will keep the cord from pulling as I begin peddling on the 21 speed bike, this being the first opportunity to get out for the first few miles of the season. Reaching to the iPod, my index finger gently presses the play button, signaling the first song to begin in the shuffle mix set for this occasion. “Knocked Up” by King’s of Leon begins playing, setting the tone for the two hour ride to come. This is followed up by a number of songs that shaped my childhood, from albums that could be played all the way through. [Dookie, Smash, Sixteen Stone, Nevermind, Frogstomp, Ten, Superunknown, Throwing Copper, 40 oz. to Freedom, Make Yourself]

It’s September, 2009. The cool air blows through the half cracked windows of my friends car. After not driving for four months, it comes back naturally, just like riding a bike for the first time in years. I begin bumbling through the stations, attempting to find some decent music. Having lived in NY for three years now, the iPod has become the only music player I count on, [Besides Grooveshark or Pandora at work] so a switch to krock should do the trick. It’s Z100, or isn’t it? A top 40 pop station? Ok. As I shuffle through the stations to find either rock or alternative, there is nothing but top hits and one rap station. The most populated area in the country has no assortment of music! It’s all the same! So after fiddling through every station three times, one station is playing the Kings of Leon. Why? Because it has a pop tune to it. I immediately switch the station after the song ends to find another one playing the Kings of Leon. I listen again. Why? Because it’s not “I Gotta Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas – the most played out song to hit the air since “Who Let The Dogs Out”. [I heard I Gotta Feeling four times while out on a boat in late July, followed by 3 times in the club that night. This progressed to be what every night would be like thereafter.]

So what does this all mean? 1) The Kings of Leon are a great band but were barely known until they made a club/dance song, allowing every radio station to play their music. 2) The Kings of Leon are now the only band I can listen to while driving (thank god I count on the subway). 3) Every kid growing up are now singing and rocking out to American Idol songs, which means they will not inspire to be the next Beatles, Rolling Stones, or Green Day (unless it comes out on rock band). 4) Buy Sirius/XM stock, how could this company not do well considering the crap on the radio? 5) The iPod/Napster/Apple has destroyed the music industry in ways outside eating into music industry revenues. Bands now create one hit wonders, to play over and over on the radio, and sell for 99 cents, rather than write the great CD’s we grew up on.



Jun262009

For Whom The Bell Curve Tolls

BellCurve For Whom The Bell Curve Tolls

Those of you who have spent time within the walls of a class room are aware of being graded on a bell curve. Life offers us something similar i.e. if your riding high and life is good, beware for you will bottom out and not see it coming.

Things had been going splendid for me for so long, which is exactly why I should have saw it coming. I came home last Thursday and had no electricity in my apartment, it had been storming for a few days so I figured it was a power outage in my area. I left and noticed the people who lived downstairs from me had power. When I returned, I checked to see if maybe I had blown a fuse – nope, it’s not that. Ok, I’ll call the maintenance guy – no answer. Maybe National Grid can tell me more. Turns out my landlord (I pay a flat fee with utilities included) didn’t feel she needed to pay National Grid for months. So, I e-mail her on my blackberry to tell her this (she conveniently lives in another country) and sit in the darkness and wait.

After a few hours, I realized Captain Polish was gone for the weekend, raping, pillaging, and plundering. So I decided to move into his apartment until this got sorted out. I found his spare key and transported all my food and some belongings to his place and sat down to make myself some dinner. Immediately the door bell rings. It’s his 80 year old landlord, significantly freaked out. I have to explain to her the situation and win her over the only way a pirate can…

Nevertheless, I sleep there the night and go to work in the morning (at least it was Friday). I go out to eat after work and see a show. At this point all I want to do is sit down in Captain Polish’s place and have a beer and unwind. Well I’m in the dark fumbling for the key, trying to be as stealth as humanly possible (his landlord watches tv in her living room 24/7 and can hear everyone coming and going). I breaking the fucking key off in the goddamn lock. Here is where we hit rock bottom friends. I have no way to get into his apartment where all my food, beer and half my clothes are. It’s my only tie with modern civilization AND when he returns he won’t be able to get into his own apartment after doing me a huge favor. Plus, I was sentenced back to my abysmally hot attic apartment with one fucking window at the height of the Summer with no power for an indefinite period of time, through no fault of my own whatsoever.

Things did end up getting resolved many days later at just about the same point at work when everything collapsed. In the meantime, I spent a lot of days drinking piss warm beer, stepping on candles, trashing my apartment and visiting local yard sales.

Word of the wise. You don’t own the bell curve, the bell curve owns you.



Jun242009

Advice to Graduating Seniors

This weekend, many high schoolers will be drunk for the first time, many cherries will be popped, and many parents will be thrilled to death that their kids are going away to school or somewhere else to live. You know, they teach you a lot in school, but never the things you need to learn. Thank god for the Captains.

spicoli Advice to Graduating Seniors
Spicoli was a legend

Here’s some advice for our underaged friends who are ending their high school careers this week:

Learn to drink
That’s right. You’re underaged and can’t drink legally, but you will be doing it regardless because its cool. Do yourself a favor – learn your limits. The best way to do this is grab your friends and get drunk! Go to someone’s house, a random field, the beach, wherever, and get drunk! Trust us, if you learn to drink in front of people that don’t care if you get wasted and puke all over the place, you’re going to make a better impression on the new people you meet within the next few months or with the opposite sex. Which brings me to my next topic…

Read More »



Feb282009

If I had known then what I know now

A new TCM series, influenced by the popular song “Red Mosquito” by Pearl Jam

chicen1 If I had known then what I know now