Good question. Well my fellow readers, I have been on an adventure. An adventure much like from the movie Goonies, except sexier and far more dangerous. Unfortunately though, minus the always hilarious Lotney ‘Sloth’ Fratelli.
My grandma recently passed on so we were up in her attic cleaning it out. After going through 13 boxes of clippings from various newspaper obituaries from 1963 to 1997, I stumbled upon something so fantastic that it just couldn’t be tossed aside. It was a jar with the left arm of a Civil War soldier inside. I knew it was from the Civil War because on the jar it was labeled, “Left arm from the Civil War”. It seemed to be floating formaldehyde but couldn’t be sure. After a quick little taste test, it indeed was formaldehyde. My first thought was, “Grandma, what the shit!? Why do you have an amputated arm from the Civil War in your attic?” Then I thought, “Grandma, what the fuck!? Why have you not told me you have an amputated arm from the Civil War in your attic? I could have been doing awesome, non-sexual things with this arm years ago!” Things like recreating that one scene from Jurassic Park where Dr. Ellie Sattler is in the power station trying to turn back on the power when she stumbles into a Velociraptor and falls back only to have Samuel L. Jackson’s arm fall on her shoulder. She thinks its a Samuel L. Jackson with all parts in tact but when she turns around, she realizes that it is only his arm. Yea, stuff like that.
So long story short, I attempted to get on the show Pawn Stars but apparently they don’t buy human remains. Who knew? Well, I figured it was best since the guys on that show rip you off big time. Next best thing was to take it to the Antiques Road Show. They will appraise anything on that show. So I brought it in and met with Woodson Dean Edington, the local Civil War buff. This guy was about to shit a canon ball. I took a look at what others brought in and it was the usual stuff– rifles, swords, uniforms, ammunition– nothing as extreme as I had. With a huge shit eating grin on my face I stomped up to Dr. Edington jar in hand. I saw that man’s jaw drop the instant he realized what I was carrying. So after some usual and unusual questions, I finally asked what is it worth? Colonel Edington sat there and stroked his beard for a few seconds then said, “I don’t know”. He has never appraised human remains before. So I then went and asked what the street value for this was. Without hesitation he said, “Easy. 27 Gallons of moonshine and 8 or 9 eight balls.” With that said, I picked up my arm and walked out unsatisfied. That was about a week ago. Since then, I have been on the phone with the Smithsonian, The American Natural History Museum and any museum and/or aquarium’s willing to take it. To date, no one has offered me any monetary value for it. Just free visits.
Fuck that, I want money for my arm.
So if you were wondering where this arm is now, it is sitting next to my salt water fish tank. Ok, so maybe this “adventure” wasn’t as exciting as the movie Goonies but I’ll tell you this though, it is one hell of a conversation starter…and has gotten me laid on 2 separate occasions.
