I don’t think we are ever going to be in short supply of these. This is another submission from the phone of Captain Warbucks.
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Treasure Chest for the Random Category
Jun232010
Great Moments in World History
Some moments in history are great because they weren’t so great. Sounds confusing, but consider June 22nd and June 23rd to prove my point – these two days are when Hitler and Napoleon, respectively, decided it would be a good time to fuck up Russia. It turns out that it wasn’t a good idea because this would prove to be the end for their respective empires.
I know, this is probably not a popular topic to bring up on a blog-site when your readers comment explicitly on all things Saved By The Bell, local indie rock, and topics related to chooglin’, but some times a fart is a fart because, well, its a fart. And Russia is the mother of all farts.
Russia is a land as barren as Captain Kirk’s first ex-wife. It is a horrible place that actually took over Poland because they are a dick. They decided to be the colossal mass they are for a reason – to push everyone around just because they can. They are the bully at lunch that took your lunch money AND kissed your girlfriend behind the swing set because they could.
Russia was considered a savior at the time of Napoleon because they destroyed his army. The same could be said about Hitler. What followed from their Hitler triumph was about 45 years worth of owning the U.S. until we kicked their ass in hockey all because of our ability to grow a better playoff beard. It’s true, look it up kids.
Eventually Russia withered away as communism was scrapped by the wayside for something more conventional – Capitalism! Well it’s worked for Russia. They’ve decided to sell their precious reserves of oil and natural gas at high prices and now have become one of the most powerful countries in the entire world.
What will happen next? Lord knows, but Russia has already decided to chill with upcomers on the global scene Iran and Turkey. Could this mean they are turning into the bully again? Could this spell trouble for the U.S.? Can the capped crusader escape yet again? Stay tuned – if history repeats itself, we could be in for another empire-crippling Russian retreat.
Great moment in history? I don’t know, but it’s probably something we should stay cognizant of.
Jun162010
So you don’t have a Dad for Father’s Day.
Buy a blow-up Dad!
That’s right kiddies, for only $17.99, you can have your very own blow-up Dad for Father’s Day! Don’t be sad that your dad was killed in a knife fight with Bubbles the hobo down the street over a broken crack pipe or that he left you and your mom for “Uncle Robert”. You can have your very own Dad to celebrate Father’s Day with without the sadness, depression and jealous rage that comes this time every year! Just take him out of the bag and blow him up. He is great fun!
Unfortunately though for Mom, dad comes as flat as you are. Sorry Madrè, this one’s for the kids.
Jun112010
Phone Balls
Yes ladies and gentlemen. Phone Balls.
Remember Truck Nuts? Well, these are Truck Nuts for your iPhone.
Ladies, have you ever wanted a pair of balls for yourself? Men, have you ever wanted smaller, more colorful balls? …Well, maybe not but don’t worry Phone Balls has got your ass covered. It is a rubber casing for your iPhone with a nice little pair of balls placed on the bottom. But I bet your asking how do I charge my iPhone now!? It’s easy. Just tuck that little nutsack back and plug in your charger. Much like the one time you got involved with that transvestite hooker. Just tuck back and insert.
How about the always annoying when you are driving, wearing jeans, your phone rings and you can’t for the life of you get it out of your pocket so you just give up. Little known to you that the person on the other line was trying to give away their multi-million dollar fortune to the first person who answered their call! Bummer man. Well, fret that fear no more! With Phone Balls, just pull on that mini coin purse and out comes your phone! Don’t be surprised if you hear your iPhone scream every time you do so. It hurts to have your balls pulled…trust me.
So there you have it all of you fancy phone owners, head on over to Phone Balls and pick yourself up a pair! They come in Blue Balls and Peach Fuzz. Rain Forest coming soon.
May242010
Wrestling Names
Wrestlers are notorious for giving themselves incredible names. Need proof? Consider Hulk Hogan, Macho Man Randy Savage, Brutus the Barber Beefcake, the Honkey Tonk Man, and the Ultimate Warrior. If I met someone at work that had a similar sounding name, I’d probably shit myself. But thanks to this web site, I now can (meet people with wrestler names, not shit myself)!
According to the site, Captain Polish’s wrestling name is Gentlemen Gravy. Who knew I had a thing for gravy? Amazing.
Fire up your names and see what you come up with. I spent nearly fifteen minutes inputting friends and family the other day. Ladies, there is a female toggle for you so you can get some diva names.
God I love wrestling.
May212010
Stupid License Plate Of The Day
Eat your heart out, Steven Tyler
Submitted by our very own Captain Warbucks.
May212010
My Ex-Wife’s Wedding Dress
Have you ever seen or heard of that TV show, “Say Yes to the Dress”? If you have then you know it is a goddamn shit show. These cunt bag bridezilla’s go to this world famous wedding dress shop and find their “dream dress”. But of course not without consulting their mom, their grandmother, their aunt, their best friend, their neighbor and that homeless woman who lives down the block that always seems to be wasted on Montezuma Tequila and wearing a new pair of shoes. So after everyone’s approval, they shell out anywhere between $5,000 and like $20,000 for a dress they will wear once. Once.
You see, the great thing about being the groom is you can rent your tuxedo and return it when you are done with it. Plain and simple. You don’t have to go and get it dry cleaned and then have it properly folded so it sits nicely on the shelf in a box never to be opened again. Unless you get divorced…or really pissed at your wife.
Well, this guy just so happened to get divorced and his wife did not take along her wedding dress. So instead of throwing it out, this man decided he would make full use out of it. Like using it as a grill cover, sporting event sign, MC Hammer pants and a homeless blanket. He is trying to get 101 uses out of it but isn’t quite there yet. I figure I would help him out. Here’s #101: Drench the wedding dress in chloroform and smother your ex-wife with it. You see what I did there? Yep. Just did.
In all honesty if I was him, what I would have done is immediately wiped my ass with the dress, wiped my dogs ass, piss on it, have my dog piss on it, then burn it listening to this while drinking Montezuma Tequila with the homeless woman mentioned above. But that’s just me. I suppose he wants to hang on to it for as long as possible. Sad? No. Just give the man some time.
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