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Treasure Chest for the Stupid Stuff Category


Stupid Stuff
Aug32009

Best Customer Review, Ever

Customer reviews are used by Internet companies to display a customer’s experience with a recent product they purchased in hopes that others will read and follow suit. These reviews never sway the average person to buy a particular product for any particular reason, until now.

Today I was sent quite possibly the best customer review ever, compliments of Captain K, for this awesome Wolf T-Shirt:

51jZitVcKmL SS500 Best Customer Review, Ever

Yep, this is your straight up “don’t fuck with me” T-Shirt, but what’s even better is Bee-Dot-Govern’s explanation for buying it.

“This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn’t have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the ‘guns’), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.”

Wow. I just bought ten of these.

Read more about this awesome shirt and all it’s magical powers.


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Stupid Stuff
Jul202009

A Weight Loss Program That Works

So there are a lot of pills, programs, and books out there to help someone lose weight. But Captain Kirk has stumbled upon the best. Want to lose weight but still want to eat the doughnuts for breakfast, mayo filled taco sandwiches for lunch, and McDonald’s Big Macs for dinner? And that tub of ice cream before getting some sleep. Worry no more as there are now only two steps to becoming skinny!

image001 A Weight Loss Program That Works
  1. Throw away large tank top.
  2. Buy skinny tight shirt that you don’t think would ever fit and stand sideways. Cameras only add pounds when pictures are taken head on – as proven by the above picture.

On a side note, why don’t people ever comb their hair in the first picture? And they always go to hair salons in the second? The second girl, whom is not the same as the first, also has on a necklace, makeup, and a push up bra. The first looks like she just woke up and cooked 5 platters of bacon over a hot stove.


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Stupid Stuff
Jul102009

Let Senor Madoff know how you feel.

A website has popped up on the interenets that allows you to send your creative hate/love letters to Bernie Madoff (Living in Oprah’s minge and don’t know who this man is? Click here). Every six month anniversary of his prison term, this site will send him all of your gratuitous submissions.

They will be somewhat moderated however. So any gruesome death threats will be taken out unless you make it so lovely, the censurer will have to let it pass. Since Madoff is going to live for all 150 years of his sentence, you can expect a lot—like double the years man—in submissions. Lucky for you, you can go to their website and view the submissions. This by far is the best:

madoff Let Senor Madoff know how you feel.

So go get that 3 quart pot in the kitchen you call your thinking cap, put it on and start sending in some love.

Madoff really likes receiving mail more than receiving anal. Although, these submissions might change that philosophy.


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Drinking, Man Moments, Stupid Stuff
Jun302009

Keys and Pants

Upon waking after a hard night of drinking, there are always three items to make sure are not lost. A wallet, a phone, and of course, your keys. A lost wallet could be relatively quickly replaced, as the contents can be canceled and requested online. A phone, while pricey, could also be replaced through one of the thousands of retail chains around the country. But keys, well they remain much more difficult. Car key? If a spare is available it’s in a drawer somewhere at home. Yes, a home that requires a key to enter, which was just lost. Work bathroom key, girlfriends chastity belt key, key to the city, gym pass key, mailbox key, and random key (which it turns out opens the drawer to the spare car key).

So TCM has the answer. It’s certainly not to stop drinking. Nor to expect you will never misplace one of your three most important items….

Zipper pants! Why are all pant pockets open? Why are the only closable pockets secured with buttons that always fall off? It’s about time Levi’s took the advice of TCM and created pockets that could close. I’ve never lost my junk. You know why? It’s behind a zipper.

l beee61bc636d487aab9e04443133a3a01 Keys and Pants

This has nothing to do with this article, more a friendly TCM reminder. The Lingerie Football League is coming.


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Stupid Stuff
Jun262009

The Ultra Strong Workplace Firewall

I work at job where I’m consistenly busy, but when I’m not, like today, I’m screwed. You know why? THEY’VE DECIDED TO PUT THE STRONGEST FIREWALL ON THE INTERNET THAT IS HUMANLY POSSIBLE TO DETER EMPLOYEES FROM VISITING INTERESTING WEB SITES!! Can you believe that shit?!? Well I sort of can. I was in denial when I first encountered the problem, but over the past 4 years I’ve been developing my own ways to have inner-office fun when bored:

- See how much coffee you can drink without peeing

- Talk to co-workers about their kids and only reply with the expressions “wow!”; “oh yeah?”; “that’s great!”

- Race office chairs down the hallway

- Try to task your boss with as much work of your’s that you possibly can

- Transfer every call you have to people that work in finance

- Visit all the interns and trade college stories

- Go on a scavenger hunt for candy/food

- Do some office laps around the workspace while looking straightforward, avoiding all eye contact, and looking determined

- Give out random nicknames to everyone you see

This is all I got and frankly I need more to keep me sane when I need to slack for a few hours.

Loyal office readers, I’m hoping you’ll have a few ideas. Ideally I’d be uploading some cool stuff on TCM, but destiny decided to shit on Captain Polish with the whole Internet thing. Now everyone knows why my posts are late at night and often make little to no sense.


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Stupid Stuff
Jun172009

Things That Look Like Cock n Balls

This website is exactly what the title says. If that doesn’t grab your attention, I don’t know what will. O wait…maybe a cocknballs shaped pancake!

pancakes 1024x768 Things That Look Like Cock n Balls

View some more things that look like your ol’ twig and berries.


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Random, Stupid Stuff
May112009

And you thought your family was awkward…

The internet is full of fantastic things. Such as People Who Look Like Monkeys, Awkward Boners and the ability for women to pee standing up. We have stumbled across the next best thing. AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.

This website is exactly what it says, some of the most awesomely awkward family photos on the net. Ever have to sit with your family during one of these unforgettable photo ops? Yea, we thought so. There’s Dad always trying to lighten the mood but just making everything more uncomfortable and Mom nervously laughing not helping the situation at all? Captain Kirk still goes through these awkwardly painful moments each season. Here is a photo from last summer’s family portrait.

570 0 resize And you thought your family was awkward...

Not really sure what to say about that…just an awkward silence I suppose.

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com


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Stupid Stuff
May112009

Kill me if this is what we are forced to use…

Well, we will bring you back to the good ol’ days of Demolition Man. Remember this scene? What in the bloody hell were they talking about? Three seashells? Rob Schneider certainly knew what the fuck was up. Well, we here at TCM have stumbled across a “how to” guide on these tres seashells:

God have mercy on our soles if we are ever forced to use seashells on our buttholes…God have fucking mercy.


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