If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. Another gem from Dr. Dave:

Happy Friday everyone! It’s time for another rousing episode of “Dr. Dave doesn’t know shit about football”. Holy shit Jesus! You’d think that by sheer accident I could get one of these fuckers correct. It’s been a long week and I am not going to waste the time analyzing last week’s games. You either saw them or you didn’t and you certainly aren’t coming to TCM for in depth analysis of anything except maybe tits or some random article from Captain Yar about mythical monsters. I watch Monster Quest, Mystery Quest and Destination Truth religiously and I haven’t heard of half of those shit demons that he was talking about in that article. Although, I did crank one out to the picture of that vampire-bat-lady cunt thing.

Like I said, it has been a long week. For instance today I spend half of my afternoon trying to remove an object from a man’s asshole. For the life of me I have no idea how that man got a ¾ of a plunger handle in up his turd cutter, nor do I know why that other guy just stood there watching me try to get it out of him for an hour. I guess it was a public restroom though. Either way I didn’t spend six years in graduate school earning a Ph. D to remove shit covered plungers from strangers’ asses. But what am I supposed to do when I walk in and he is just standing there looking at me as if to say “Oops, I got a plunger in my ass”? He did buy me a nice lunch afterward, I just wish he didn’t insist on us sharing a big pile wings and that he washed his hands after the whole bathroom scene. So, I am going to keep this short this week. Besides, it doesn’t matter what I type the opposite will just come true anyway.

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Well apparently Dr. Dave’s crystal ball is broken. Since he’s a doctor, I hope he can get that fixed. Here’s his ramblings for round 2, or “Big Boy week”, in the illustrious NFL playoffs:

Well I am just going to come right out and say it…I was wrong…wrong, wrong, wrong and wrong. Do you understand how hard it is to be wrong about all four games in the first round of the playoffs? I mean how the fuck does New Orleans lose to Seattle? I heard all the shit like “Well New Orleans has never won a road playoff game” and “Seattle was riled up about all the negative press”, but that is the kind of dog shit they always say about games like this. They do it because they have testicles like Barry Bonds following years of anally injected horse steroids and the backbone of Christopher Reeves (not the metal bar, the broken hunk of shit that had to get repaired so he could breathe and look humanoid) and cannot make the gutsy call. So they say shit like that so that they can say “I told you so” after the upset of the year. Of course the Saints have never won a road playoff game. Until last year, when they were the #1 seed and had home field advantage, they sucked and every playoff appearance they had was more accidental than the birth of Trig Palin. The bottom line is that the Saints blew this game, big time. I mean the Saints defense made Marshawn Lynch look like Barry Sanders out there! So if any one of those announcers can look you in the eye and say he predicted the Seahawks victory with a straight face fucking murder him because his an emotionless sociopath who has no moral compass and can lie without experiencing emotion. Seriously, you would be doing the world a favor because he is likely going to take out a bus full of school children just to “see if he can feel anything” and then get sent to some cushy psych hospital after copping an insanity plea. Or maybe he’ll just shave his head and shoot a nine year old girl, a judge and a congresswoman at a supermarket…too soon?

Now the next game I am going to take a little bit of credit for, because well, I need to get something positive out of this weekend. The Jets-Colts game was probably the best game of the weekend as I predicted. The Jets defense played very well and held Peyton Manning to only 16 points. And hell…Nick Folk even made a field goal. However, I’ll be up front and honest, I didn’t see any of this game except what was shown on SportsCenter because I caught a nasty virus this weekend and instead of watching this game I was in the bathroom with vomarrhea. What’s vomarrhea you ask? Well vomarrhea is when your body just completely gives up and says fuck it, you deal with it. So you go to the bathroom and a shit a stream of pure brown liquid out of your ass which is only interrupted by the occasional release of Kix-sized terds with the consistency of soggy Mini-Wheats. I am aware I made two cereal references there and I know the consistency because I play with my stool. I am a doctor, I am curious about these things. Also, this semi-viscous fluid that comes out of your intestines does so with such force you are required to wipe not only your raw, bloody rectum, but also both of your ass cheeks and your lower back (and one time neck). But it doesn’t end there friends, oh no. While this is happening you also have to vomit. Partly because of the smell, but partly because your body doesn’t know what to do with the bacon and cereal you ate for breakfast thinking that the body aches and nausea were just the signs of a common hangover. Wrong! So yeah, I was wrong. The Jets won.

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Let’s face it – Captain Yar IS TCM. I say this with no sarcasm or regrets. Yar embodies the essence of what we like to talk about which is most certainly the randomest stuff we can find on a daily/weekly/monthly basis.

Me, well if you viewed TCM as a family tree, I’d be having the most sex. Yes my friends, I can take credit for convincing fan favorites such as Flintheart and Sketch to join. I can also be held responsible with what was the tenure of Fuerza and the wild rantings of frequent commenter Calico Jack. Shit happens.

I’m going to stay true to my lazy approach in having other people write for me as I introduce a new contributor – Dr. Dave. In a ship full of Captains, we need a doctor and Dr. Dave is just as sick and twisted as rest of the crew. For short, Dr. Dave has nipples, but no aureoles. He drinks Mike’s Hard Lemonade as his drink of choice and considers it a manly drink after one of the commercials he saw told him it was. Dr. Dave also enjoys Chia Pets, mustaches, and animated Japanese porn.

Enough for now about Dr. Dave. He’ll be covering the coveted NFL Playoffs for us. Here’s his first official rant:

This year at the office Christmas party Captain Polish got unusually drunk and started face fucking our stuffed replica of Sam the Eagle. This blasphemy soon led to a hostage situation whereby Captain Polish agreed to remove his member from Sam’s mouth only if several of his demands were met. Needless to say due to his extreme state of inebriation most of his demands were either unintelligible or unrealistic; mostly because Cherry Merry Muffin is not a real girl and even if she was I doubt she would allow Captain Polish to use kielbasa and sauerkraut in any of the manners that he alluded to. However, he was finally convinced to cease his carnal activities after it was agreed that he would be allowed to pick the new sports writer for the Captain’s Memos. Unfortunately since his first three choices: (1) the Hamburgler, (2) “Colonel Mustard in the library with the pipe” (he seriously only referred to him as this…multiple times) and (3) Lance “you know the bicycle guy with one ball” [Armstrong] are either not real or will not return our calls, emails or even acknowledge the flaming bag of shit we left for him on his door step, you all are stuck with me, Dr. Dave, and for this I am truly sorry.

I figured that for my first article I would try to stay topical and talk about the upcoming NFL playoffs. This year’s playoff picture reminds me of a photo from a large family reunion. As always there are the successful family members. You know the ones that left home to become doctors or lawyers or accountants; the real winners. These are represented by teams like the Patriots, the Saints, the Steelers, the Eagles and even the Falcons to some extent. In addition to these guys you have the successful, but not too flashy uncles and grandparents. These guys didn’t go to college, but they made a good living as plumbers or electricians. Maybe life didn’t always go their way but they worked hard and busted their ass every day to get where they got in life and are damned proud of it. I see the Bears, the Ravens, the Packers and the Colts in this light. You also have those annoying cousins; you know the ones that are always one step shy of fucking everything up but always seem to come out smelling like roses? I am looking at you Jets and Chiefs. The Jets tried like hell to miss the playoffs this season but unfortunately had easy games against the Browns and Bills which got in the way of their plan for totally fucking this season up. You also have the Chiefs coming off of a 31-10 anal raping in week 17 leaving them to drag their pink sock behind them as they enter the playoffs. Finally, everyone has the one retarded guy in the family. He’s 23 years old and has never shaved, yet somehow only has a mustache thick enough to make the cover of Panel Van Enthusiast and scare children at the playground. He shows up to every reunion with his Moe Howard haircut wearing elastic wasted jeans and drooling on fucking everything. And this year that pudding head is the Seattle Seahawks at 7-9…are you fucking kidding me? So without further ado let’s get to the match-ups…

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