Quite possibly the greatest music video of all time. Gaga ain’t got shit on this.
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Treasure Chest for the Fitness Category
Apr232010
Losing Weight
There is only one way to do it…eating good and exercising. Get over it. Put down the 8th slice of pizza and get your ass to the gym, show some goddamn will power. I’m so sick of people obsessed with finding the easy way out. Slim fast shakes that fill them up (I got news for you: multiple glasses of water do the same thing), pills that curb your appetite and all that other bullshit. Well a new phenomenon has swept through the female portion of my office, Chia Seeds.
From what I understand due to some quick googling is these beans are suppose to be prepared with your food if your cooking and contain healthy qualities and attributes. Ok, fair enough. The women in my office are referring to them as magic beans. They are under the impression that you swallow a few and they expand a bit in your stomach, thereby making you perpetually full. The worst part is, I’m being dead fucking serious.
This shit is crazy, just put the fucking fork down and buy one of this guys’ videos. Stop looking for the easy way out.
Jan122010
The Gym
It’s January and we all know what that means – millions of people across America have finally figured out that they are fat. What do they do? Join Weight Watchers, start crazy diets, take more frequent trips to Subway, and of course, join a gym.
Don’t get me wrong, gym’s are great – just not in January. Why?? I’m glad you asked:
No matter how many people sign up for the gym, the gym never decides to create more space or add more machines. You have more people “waiting to work out” and just staring at everyone else sweat their asses off.
It’s January and it’s cold as shit out. Gym’s decide to crank the temperature up so you sweat while walking over to the water cooler. This is great because sweating helps you lose weight, but no one wants to see the 35-year old ex-football star with man boobs wearing a white shirt expose his newly minted rack.
Parking always sucks because everyone needs to go to the gym. You can’t find a spot and the one you find is behind the building or a twenty minutes walk. I have no problems walking; it just sucks when the temperature is below 0.
TV Programming during the winter months is horrible. The best sport on the TV is football which is reserved for weekends. College football is over. You have basketball in plenty of variety, but that sport sucks. So what do they show you? Repeat episodes of Monk, Everybody Loves Raymond, and all the MTV you want. I had to run while being forced to watch The Jersey Shore. I feel dumber for doing so.
People that sign up for a gym in January are the one’s that need to go to a gym and also the one’s normal people don’t want to see in public. Let me elaborate. If you sign up for a gym in January, you are probably some sort of psycho. I’m not lieing. I spent yesterday on the treadmill scanning the new populace at the gym to realize the place it now populated by fucktards. I’m ready to move somewhere else, but then I become this guy. Alas I’m stuck here until the summer until I forget about this occurrance.
No one knows how to work out! You see the new high school kids walking around obviously leering at the cougar doing squat-thrusts while sitting on the bench. Why? You ask them if they’re using it and their parents come over. Why? You tell their parents you need to use the bench and they tell you that they are using it. How? People are idiots – I’ve been using this line for about 6 months now and every time I say it it makes me believe it’s even more true than the first time I uttered it.
My rants have gotten more negative and I guess I’m just a pissed off, angry person, but who gives a shit. At least I have a point on this topic.
Tune in tomorrow as I tackle “Gym Culture” and analyze couples, high school kids, old people, and athletes all in one post.
Glory be, the funk’s on me.
Dec82009
Games Vikings Play
If you were a Viking, what would you do for fun? Would you decapitate your victims? Would you drink until you passed out? Would you carry heavy shit all over the place for no apparent reason to prove to all others that you are more bad ass than them? Well, if you answered yes to that last question, you’re probably a Viking and probably have competed in the World’s Strongest Man competition.
Every summer I watch this competition and am amazed at half the feats these gents pull off. Pick up a car? Sure, why the hell not. Pull a bus with your bare hands? Piece of cake. Throw a keg over a 20-foot barrier? OK. You get the drift.
The best part about the World’s Strongest Man competition is that pretty much all the contestants are Vikings. Need proof? Here’s the line up:
Magnus Samuelsson = resident bad ass. Been said to kill with his eyes and/or massive pecks.
Richard Skog = one crazy Norwegian. Reportedly dropkicked this sphere into a crowd of orphans after the event was complete.
Magnús Ver Magnússon = pulls airplanes during the day and feeds on sorority slores at night.
Jón Páll Sigmarsson = happy man. This is his reaction after impregnating his wife while standing 13 feet away.
You get the point.
I invite you to tune in this summer and watch this spectacle. It’s amazing and will give you an idea of what a true present day Viking can do.
Just thank god that they can’t unionize.
Sep292009
Let’s Go Hiking!
I went hiking this past weekend. I don’t know why, but I started this a few years ago and it’s addicting. I typically climb high peaks and marvel at the awesome landscape and what not. Yeah, it sounds rather corny, but try it yourself. You might like it.
So after getting up at the crack ass of dawn, picking up Captain Flintheart, Steveo, and Fez, we headed for the hills. The first hour or so was uneventful. You know the drill: walking up a fucking steep hill, sweating your ass off, and hating life. Then it happened. We met some people.
The first group was from St. Lawrence University. Two guys were hiking together and we mistook them for lovers because they both sported high socks until we found out they were with four women who were wearing spandex (one of four was good looking). These folks informed it was “peak week” and that we will probably see more people from their college on the trails. Fine. OK. Whatever.
We continued our trek until we came to this giant wall that is straight out of the Old Testament:
It took a bit to figure out how to tackle this, but after watching several Canadians attempt it and fail, we eventually we figured it out and on we went. The Canadians by the way spoke English and French intermittently which was intense.
Twenty minutes later we reached the top of this mountain and it was crowded with hikers who we talked with along the way and other people who actually drove up the mountain! Who does that! Well, the only good thing about these people that drove up was that they looked crazy as shit.
Exhibit A – Random Indian Family Giving me the Death Stare:
Exhibit B – Random Guy with Man Fro Pony Tail and Matching Jorts
As I took all of this in (the crazy people, not the mountainous landscapes), I started questioning which was better: all the random people I came across or the actual views from the top? I can’t decide anymore. Good scenery is always nice, but it’s not everyday I have the chance to see crazy people.
Well, here’s a pic of Lake Placid. You decide which is better.
It was still a pretty phenomenal day regardless. The walk down was smooth and uneventful, food at A&W’s was amazing, and the Nightmare River Band rocked the Lark Tavern at night. That’s a quality fall Saturday.
Side note: The gentleman with the hat on in both pics above is Captain Flintheart (we needed a diversion to grab these photos without looking too crazy). The Captain’s will more than likely begin popping up into posts here and there. Look for this and many more new random things to come as the Meeting of the Minds nears!
Jul12009
Run Like An Ape
A couple years ago, Captain Yar sent me an email titled “Run Like An Ape.” I was intrigued, opened it up, and pretty much found the email version of Billy Mays, except for fitness. That’s right kids, I found Matt Furey:
From what I’ve learned about this guy, it’s pretty safe to say that he can kick your ass, my ass, and even Arnold’s ass (he went pussy and stopped terminating shit and became the Governator instead).
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