Mascots…They. Are. Alive.

How crazy would it be if mascots were real.  Like they were another living species.

Imagine this, you are driving down the street going the the store, and you see on the side of the road someone dressed up as an oversized koala bear holding a sign that says, “Will act like a lunatic for sex”.  Now, if we were in the real world you would laugh seeing that on the side of the road.   But do you laugh at homeless people on the side of the road begging for food, liquor, work, etc.?  Most likely yes. But in this world I speak of, mascots are real living beings.  When you are in the deli, there is a huge baseball in front of you ordering a chicken bacon sandwich. At the bar, you see an oversized duck picking up women, and he’s pretty good at it too might I add.  But the next question you ask is how do the mascots communicate in this “fantasy world” I speak of.  You don’t hear them speaking when you see them in Disney World or at a sports game.  I’ll tell you how.  Intimidation.

Lets jump to another place in time. You are working in a convenience store late at night, and 2 mascots come walking in the door both wearing ski masks.  One looks like Mickey Mouse and the other looks like this guy.  Mickey pulls out a t-shirt gun and aims it at your head pointing to the cash register. While the other starts gathering all the candy, soda and red bulls you have in stock.  What would you do? Well if it were me, I would give that damn mouse all the money. Have you ever seen one of those t-shirt guns go off?  They can easily take off a head.  Mickey sees a camera and shoots the t-shirt gun at it completely destroying it. You beg for your life. Lucky for you all they wanted was money, sweets and caffeine.  They take what they want and leave. You are shaken up, a little dazed but alive.  Do you call the police? Do you call a psychologist? A hooker? That my friends is totally up to you. All I’m saying is that the world would be a fucking scary place if mascots were real living beings.

So the next time you visit an amusement park or sporting event, be weary of those damn mascots because you truly do not know who or what is under that giant hot dog costume.