If you have never had a Quiznos sub before, then I feel bad for you. They are sandwiches that are ever delicious and smell excellent coming out of their infamous toasting oven conveyor belt. Kind of like a Leprechaun cooking bacon. Yes…exactly that. So, if you haven’t had one I suggest getting one or Captain Polish will attack your right nut ball with a series of rabbit attacks. I seen him do it. It was artistic like, almost.
Well, you have gotten this far in this article so I assume you are curious as to how Quiznos advertisements have changed throughout the years. Well, lets begin.
2002 – Like that guy who wore pants, instead of bushes
This was the first airing of a Quiznos commercial. It aired during the Super Bowl of 2002 letting the world know that they toast their subs. You wonder what made them think to use this type of commercial to introduce themselves to the world. Sure it has some humor to it but I probably would have done it differently. I probably would have had it titled, “Quiznos, like the first guy in the porn industry to shoot his load on a woman’s face“.
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Rating: B / Could have been done better for their first commercial
2003 – Jim Parsons was raised by wolves
Not sure how many of you watch the Big Bang Theory on TV. I don’t…God no. Well, the guy in this commercial who was said to be raised by wolves is Jim Parsons from Big Bang Theory fame, if you can call it fame. I think what creeps me out the most is not the fact that he is sucking on the mother wolf’s titty, but he is sucking on the mother wolf’s titty with a suit on. But this is a funny ad nonetheless.
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Rating: B+ / Even though Jim Parsons really isn’t that funny, this ad is.
2004 – Spongemonkeys
The infamous Spongemonkey’s first appeared sometime around 2004. Don’t know the exact date, but it definitely was 2004ish. It seems that the idea spawned from this site. If you didn’t know that your probably thinking that one day the advertisers showed up to the Quiznos offices with a pound of weed, a satchel of acid and Adobe Flash. The weed and acid was distributed evenly amongst the advertisers and the Spongemonkey’s were born. That’s pretty much sounds like a typical day here at TCM to be quite honest.
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Rating: A / It’s so friggen retarded that I cannot not give this an A.
2005 – Don Cherry knows best
For those who don’t know who Don Cherry is, he is one of the most famous hockey analysts to come out of Canada…along side every other Canadian. What makes Mr. Cherry so special is his blunt approach to analyzing the game and his flamboyant suits. Literally looks like he showed up at my grandma’s house, held her at gun point, beat her up, stole her curtains and made a suit out of them. He clearly has the utmost respect for women.
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Rating: B / Hockey is my sport and Don Cherry is the man. But the fact that he beat up my grandma, I have to down grade this to a B.
2006 – Women love meat
This commercial isn’t really funny until the Asian chick comes in. What a better way to tell America that your a cock loving whore than doing so in a national Quiznos commercial. Kudos to you lady, I’m sure the phone was ringing from all of your guy friends as soon as that one aired. Get the ice ready, you’ll need it.
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Rating: B / If it wasn’t for that Asian chick saying she loves the dick, this would have gotten a D.
2007 – Michael Clarke Duncan loves him some sammies
Quiznos sammies are good but my God are they tiny. Kind of like what your balls would look like if you were The Situation. This commercial doesn’t really show that it just shows some hot chick hating on some other not hot chick because she has food that the hot chick doesn’t have. Are bulimic’s really jealous of other people eating!? I mean come on, you eat then throw it up, why even eat in the first place? You have no right to be jealous…bitches.
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Rating: C+ / I like MCD, especially when he sings some Donna Summers in Talladega Nights, but come on MCD, you can do better than this.
2009 – Toasty Torpedo Love Toaster
There is an odd attraction between man and toaster in this commercial. I mean I love using my toaster– Some even consider me the master toasterer of my generation– but to stick your penis in the toaster? Shit, that’s just unsanitary. If you are on a serious dry spell, at least use the dishwasher or garbage disposal…something where people don’t have to eat out of.
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Rating: B- / Don’t put your dick in a toaster regardless of how much swagger your toaster has.
2010 – The Toaster has lost its swagger
Not sure if it is the same toaster as the prior commercial but if it is, he sure lost his swagger. A weak attempt at getting $5 from that guy has the toaster walking away with his tail between his legs. Sorry toaster. Next time I assume you jump the guy. I’ve fought a toaster once and lost. Wasn’t pretty, just ask the guy from the above commercial.
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Rating: C / Not as funny and the toaster put in a poor effort.
2010 – $5 tastes like roast beef, cheddar cheese and Abraham Lincoln
This is one of the most current commercials out right now. It pretty much is a bunch of people eating a $5 bill saying that that is what you are doing if you eat a Subway sub. This particular commercial is an Asian woman eating a $5 bill. I don’t know about this one, some of the shit that Asian’s eat, eating money really isn’t that weird.
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Rating: C- / I have seen these advertisements too many times on TV and are bored of them.
There you have it folks. A semi up-to-date history of Quiznos commercials. Quiznos, if you are reading this, I would like my life time free sub coupon sent to: Captain Yar, Captain’s Quarters, The Captains Memos, Seven Seas. I’m expecting it in roughly 6-8 weeks. If I don’t see it then, I will hijack your headquarters. I’ve done it to the Hot Pocket factory, don’t think I wouldn’t do it to you.
Ah, who am I kidding, Quiznos already gave us this. Thank you Quiznos, thank you.
