Whenever you go out to a bar with friends, outside of the ritual ordering of beers, pitchers, or pitchers of margaritas, there is always one question that is toughest to answer – nachos or chicken wings.
That’s it folks, it’s quite possibly the hardest question for any bar-going patron to answer because both options are so good. This Captain has noticed that what you pick says a lot about your personality.
Nachos: OK. Obviously, you love Mexican food. If you love Mexican food, you like Taco Bell and must like to smoke or have smoked something illegal in the past. Those who like Mexican food typically enjoy margaritas, tequilla, and public embarassment.
As a nacho eater, you are also a very strategic person – eating nachos requires patience and strategy (outwitting your fellow friends to select the best chips with the most crap on them). Nacho eaters tend to take a lot of risks in life (sour cream + guacamole + chili = toilet domination).
Nacho eater = pot-smoking (past/present/future), embarrasing, strategic, risk-taking person.
Chicken Wings: If you like Chicken Wings, you like working with your hands. You very well may have a blue collar job and enjoy spending the weekend working on your yard, on your car, etc. If you work with your hands, you probably enjoy Busch, Budweiser or Keystone beer in a can (if you work with your hands and have an office job, substitute those beers for any IPA or fancy-pants beer in a bottle/pint glass). Also, this Captain will bet it’s safe to say that you’ve had your fair share of fights.
Note: You can tell a lot about a person depending on how hot they eat their wings. If it is less than “hot” and they are a man, immediately deduct man points. (anywhere between 50 – 100 is acceptable for this offense).
Chicken Wing eaters are methodical and are used to repetitive tasks because of the way they devour their wings. If the Chicken Wing eater has a condiment fetish, they eat only the legs so they can devour more Bleu Cheese. If the Chicken Wing eater is very skinny, they eat nothing by the wings. If you have to think more than 3 seconds on what style of wings you want, you are a picky-person.
Chicken Wing eater = beer drinking, fight-provoking, methodical, picky-person.
Neither: There is a rare case where people do not eat either Nachos or Chicken Wings. If this is the case, do not trust this person. Do not hang out with them. Move away from them immediately. There is a good chance they eat Mozarella Sticks only, ONLY, and this is not acceptable. Mozarella Sticks are good, but they can NEVER be included in this debate because of their inferiority to Nachos and Wings. Anything else you can think of (potato skins, cheese fries, etc.), may be good, but is still inferior.
If someone refused Nachos or Chicken Wings, proceed to beat this person with your shoe, boot, or flip-flop until they are in submission. Captain’s orders.
Both: No such thing. If someone tells you that they enjoy both equally, repeat the step above and beat them with your footwear until they are in submission.
The Captain’s are interested to know what type of readers we have. Send us a note with what side of the fence you are on. Captain Kirk will be buying the first five commenters Nachos or Chicken Wings. Remember, it is important to make a decision about where your loyalties lie and live that kind of life (or else you will be a douchebag and you don’t want that).
I’d also take:
Acceptable: Nachos as an appetizer. Wings as a main course.
Unacceptable: Wings as an appetizer. Anything as a main course. If wings are the appetizer, enough must be purchased to fill a man’s stomach. If this means 5 dozen, so be it. Man up.
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