Movies I Wish I Never Spent Time Watching – Part II

To continue on with this mini-series, it’s now Captain Yar’s turn…

#5 – Miracle at St. Anna

War movies are my favorite genre of film so when Spike Lee decided he would take his movies off the streets and onto the battlefield, I thought this could be pretty good. O how horribly wrong was I. Not only did Lee make this movie longer than the whole Tour de France but it just plain sucked ass. The acting sucked, the fight scenes sucked, even the camera angles sucked. One of the soldiers becomes best friends with a 5 year old Italian boy. Boring. I gotta tell you though, Spike Lee sure knows how to carry over that black stereotype. If it wasn’t for the little bits of black humor, I think this could have easily been further down the list. Well done Mr. Lee, well done.

#4 – Dennis the Menace

Holy shit did you ever want to punch a 7 year old in the face so bad as you did in this movie? Well besides your own kids, probably not. Granted the movie is called “Dennis the Menace”, you are supposed to like the kid. This Captain does not. Walter Mathau, what the fuck man? You could do better than this steaming pile of fat girl shit. I suppose as you get older, movies become slim pickin’s. Goddamnit I want to kick that kid in the face. The TV show was semi-good because it was a cartoon, the comic strip however is just as awful as the movie. Not funny, corny as shit and you just want to toss the kid into a woodchipper.

#3 – Juno

Underage sex? Check.
Ugly actors/actresses? Check.
Overacting? Check.
This movie is stupid, plain and simple. Girl gets pregnant by that awkward kid from Superbad and doesn’t know what to do with the baby when it is born. If you didn’t want the baby in the first place well then, let me introduce you to my friends Mr. Lighter and Mrs. Wire Hanger. But since the character was probably too much of a pussy, here is a more practical idea. I want my hour and a half back now.

#2 – Home Alone 3

Home Alone was awesome. Home Alone 2 wasn’t that bad, probably because the guy who played the clown in IT was in it. So I figured I would go into the third one thinking that it would be alright…wrong. This pisshole of a movie isn’t even remotely related to the first 2, but they still decided to slap the name on it. Some kid outsmarts 4 terrorists looking to capture some microchip. Hey America, there’s your solution to terrorists. Find some 6 year old and send him over to Afghanistan to plant booby traps all over caves to catch Bin Laden. Not only will we successfully capture his ass but it will be effin hilarious to watch. Like Captain Flintheart said, “No movie should have more than one sequel”. This most certainly applies to this series.

#1- Twilight

Could they make vampires any more queer than in this movie? Granted they are strong and fast as shit but they fucking sparkle like diamonds in the sunlight? That’s just outright absurd. When was the last time you thought of anything badass that sparkles in the sunlight? Well besides this, absolutely nothing. If you think of something, then your trying way too hard. Robert Pattinson, fuck you and your face that looks like it got ran over by a dump truck you vampire pussy.