I hate George Lucas’ movies, which is an ironic paradox because I love George Lucas’ movies. Let me explain. Lucas has 2 incredible franchises under his belt, both the epic Star Wars saga and Indiana Jones. By 1989, he had crafted 3 highly regarded movies a piece for both series of films. Those 6 movies I always find myself going back to, simply put they are great cinema. This is exactly where it should have ended.
Lucas has spent the last 20 years re-doing his old movies and crafting unnecessary sequels/prequels. The original Star Wars trilogy (Episodes 4-6) are considered classics, not just of the genre, but of all time. Then 14 years after it had been finished, Lucas decided he would re-release the same movies in theaters done with better graphics, and thereby ensuring a jolly box office raping. I got news for you Mr. Lucas the old ones looked just fine. Yoda is a fucking puppet, deal with it. He added some new scenery and backgrounds to preexisting scenes. Ok…I guess that’s cool, but is it necessary? I suppose that’s tolerable, but dear God, don’t add extra scenes to the movie that have nothing to do with the plot and only to show off your new computer. The new scene in Return of the Jedi, In Jabba the Hutt’s lair where the CGI creature sings a cocktail number to the crowd is particularly cringe worthy. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT? It’s like when Frank Capra re-released It’s a Wonderful Life, with the extra digitally created scene where Clarence the Angel is taking a shit and Jimmy Stewart walks in on him and blushes. Remember that? Of course you don’t, Frank Capra was smart enough not to screw with a classic (and he’s dead).
Well, how could Lucas make more money you ask? More Star Wars movies of course! This time we got 3 new Prequels. The 1st one was unbearable, the second one was decent at best, Episode 3 is actually pretty good, but it doesn’t redeem the other 2 for existing.
Then of course there is Indiana Jones, the only man who ever got a chance to literally whip Nazi’s with Sean Connery dropping one liners at him while doing it. All 3 of the original Indiana Jones movies are all of varying degrees of classic. George Lucas all dried up after the Star Wars Prequels decided to make Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull 19 years after the last one. The Indiana Jones movie from 1989, was called The LAST Crusade for a reason!
I went into the newest one knowing it wasn’t going to be great; I just didn’t want it to tarnish the legacy. What I got was CGI gofers, Shia LaBeouf swinging through the trees on a vine with monkeys, oh and did I mention Aliens? Yes, Aliens. My friend summed it up best after the movie, “this was possibly the movie they showed Nazi’s to convince them not to be American.” I know that doesn’t make a whole hell of a lot of sense, but it makes more sense than anything in that movie.
George Lucas apparently does not have one single original thought in his head anymore. He’s making a Star Wars TV show, there are rumors he is going to release the Star Wars films in theaters in 3D, he puts the DVD’s out, tweaks them and puts them out again, slightly altered. He even used Harrison Ford in 7 out of 10 of those movies. I’m sure South Park wasn’t far off when they predicted Lucas digitally enhancing all the Indiana Jones movies next. We pray that day never comes. Stop living off the fat of the land George Lucas, start living off the fat of your stomach and be a fucking artist again.
This is the funniest fuckin thing I have ever read (but I’m also Bias). Good work Captain Flintheart, good work!
[...] I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw this; it’s absurd and outrageous. It’s a good thing George Lucas doesn’t know about this, or these guys would be living in card board boxes cleaning up Bantha [...]
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I do believe you forgot to mention how realistic it was when Dr. Jones jumped into a fridge and survived the nuclear bomb testing. or maybe i just passed over it
[...] but chooses not to exert himself. As seen in the extra scene in Episode 4 (thank you very much George Lucas). Meanwhile, Jabba gets high, let his chained up scantly clad slaves do dance numbers for him and [...]
Great summary of the imploding supernova of creativity that is George Lucas. The new Star Wars trilogy was a massive disappoint but I don’t doubt he thought he was making good movies. What he needed was a “no” person to filter out his bad ideas but he financed them out of pocket so he was pretty much Zeus with lightening bolts on set.
Crystal Skull however, there is NO EXCUSE. Lucas and Spielberg have enough money to live 3 lifetimes without ever working again and could pretty much get any project made that they want. So for them to collectively pool their resources to revisit a franchise best left untouched with a script and story as shitty as Skulls, was the equivalent of them taking a massive dump on the movie going public. I don’t know what in the hell motivated them to put it together but they should of had the good sense to kill it 5 years ago when it was in preproduction limbo.
[...] know I have already discussed this movie. But I am still in disbelief that this film got made 19 years later and how shitty of a movie it [...]
[...] a reader of our blog you might remember i’ve discussed my hatred for the last movie at length here and again [...]
[...] don’t you? The turning point of the Revolutionary Jedi American War? Further proof that George Lucas is cgi(ing) and rewriting the past to pave his future [...]
[...] defeated enemies and gulp booze out of it. Even those freak shows eating chilled monkey brains in Indiana Jones and The Temple Of Doom weren’t that [...]
[...] a rabbit or just some dwindled down old man who’s ears didn’t stop growing. I suppose George Lucas wanted to keep that his little secret. We also are introduced to our main man here at TCM, Jabba [...]
[...] don’t understand how these are even being made. George Lucas must not have been able to hear about these products over the clang of coins in his money bin. He [...]
Dead on evaluation Flintheart.
[...] Stop Raping My Childhood Hollywood is fat and lazy just like George Lucas. I know this is nothing new, we live in an era of countless sequels, spin offs and remakes. [...]