A absurd, completely useless history of Thanksgiving.

Since Thanksgiving is here, we at TCM wanted to pick your brain with some Thanksgiving trivia entirely made up by us.

• You were lied to in school. The first Thanksgiving did not take place between the Pilgrims and Indians. It took place between Jesus and the Easter Bunny.
• The meaning of the holiday is Jesus saying, “Hey Easter Bunny, thanks for giving me these eggs, they are delicious. [Pause while eating the eggs] Wait a minute, your a rabbit, how do you lay eggs!?” This frazzled the Easter Bunny because he knew Jesus was on to him, so what did the Easter Bunny do? He had Jesus crucified. Jesus didn’t die for your sins. He died because he knew the Easter Bunny’s dark secret.
• The first meal was not a turkey, but actually an exquisite dish made up of Polar Bear kabobs skewered on the ivory tusks of an African Elephant and cooked in a stew mixture of American Eagle blood and Drop Bear testosterone. Sounds like my drunk snack at 3am. No wonder why I keep waking up with large bloodied holes in my wall.
• The Pilgrims and Indians did participate in Thanksgiving, but instead of a meal, the Indians challenged the Pilgrims to a Nutball Tournament. Editors Note: If you don’t know what Nutball is, then we recommend clicking on that link. Your swollen nuts can thank us later. And for the record, the Pilgrims won.
• Where did the turkey come from you ask? Well, little to everyone’s knowledge, the Civil War was actually 2 different parts. The South won the first part, and the North won the second. During the first war, when Southern artillery teams became low on cannon balls, they would use frozen turkeys. They thought twice the size and just as lethal. After the South won Civil War I, they had an over abundance of frozen turkeys. So naturally, what would a redneck do with a frozen turkey? That’s right, try and fuck it. The North saw this and thought, “We can’t have a bunch of turkey fuckers running this country”. So in response, they declared Civil War II on the South but this time winning. You can thank the Union, instead of fighting for the leg of the turkey to eat on thanksgiving, we could be fighting over holes to stick your very private area’s in. Shotgun anus!
• I don’t even think you want me to talk about the origin of gravy. If any of you know how we roll, you can figure out that gravy was originally a frozen, fossilized shit-piss from a caveman that was used as a plate to hold the mashed potatoes because the people didn’t know it was a fossilized shit-piss. The warmth of the potatoes melted the shit-piss into a gravy like substance which was eaten. It actually tasted good according to the gravy history books. Fortunately for us today, gravy is not a shit-piss from a caveman.

There you have it fatso’s. Spread the good word about the true Thanksgiving history.