My heart is broken because a coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes. HORROR! We are searching. Hoping. Please help!
Jessica Simpson you cunt. If you all didn’t hear, Ms. Simpson’s dog was snatched up by a coyote…that’s right, a fucking coyote. I see that your dog was taken right in front of your eyes. Ok Jessica, I will tell you how you could have avoided this entire situation. You could have gotten a dog that could kick the shit out of a coyote, but since you didn’t you have another option. You have legs, correct? (I think we’ve all seen Dukes of Hazzard) And you know how to kick those legs, correct? Well, a good ‘ol fashioned kick to the face could have gotten rid of the coyote in no time. Well you didn’t and now your dog is eaten.
To be quite honest, we believe there was a story leading up to this “kidnapping”. Here is a breakdown of what us here at TCM believe truly happened:
Jessica was stoned out of her mind one night and extremely hungry. She thought it would be a great idea if she surprised herself with something. So, she put on her sleep mask and opened the fridge. On the other side of the house, her dog Daisy was resting but upon hearing the fridge opening she went running towards believing she would be getting a treat.
Back at the fridge, Jessica was feeling around for something large to eat since she was very famished. She did not hear Daisy come running to the fridge and jump in. Jessica eventually felt Daisy thinking she was some large piece of food. The dog didn’t budge because she was too busy eating a left over spare rib. Jessica placed the dog on a plate and put it in the microwave and turned it on. She then removed her eye mask to see what she was going to chow down on. In horror she saw her dog in the microwave. She immediately opened the door and took Daisy out. Luckily the dog was ok. Jessica decided that that was enough for the night and went to bed. Daisy was pissed.
Upon waking up at 3pm the following day, Jessica decided to take a walk with Daisy. As they were walking down a nearby trail, a butterfly landed on Jessica’s head.
“O wow! God just landed a butterfly on my head Daisy! I have to take a picture!”
Daisy looked up and saw that, realizing that she is living with a retard. This was the last straw. First the microwave incident, now this. Something had to be done and done fast.
Upon returning from their walk, Daisy knew a dog down the road who had some connections with the local coyote population. She gave him a call to schedule a meeting so she could “escape” from her retarded owner. Daisy met with the dog and the coyote who would be doing the kidnapping. Everything was all planned out, paid for in milkbones and good to go. There was only one thing left to do, make sure she was outside with Jessica at the right time.
D-DAY
Daisy awoke to Tony Romo cooking Jessica some crappy Texan breakfast that smelled like shit. Daisy couldn’t wait to get the fuck out of there. The scheduled pickup time was at 6pm right after dinner so Jessica couldn’t run after her because she would be to full.
The day went on like any other. Jessica asking Daisy how to turn on the TV. Daisy taking a dump in a secret spot where it won’t be found for several weeks. You know, the usual shit. Time drew nearer…
So yea, Daisy is still missing and possibly still in flight. If you have any information, please let us know or email Ms. Simpson at findingmissdaisy@gmail.com.
Also, be sure to let us know if you see a bear in the greater Texas area wearing a coyote skin. We want it. Thank you.
[...] AOL that has news headlines, the most prominent one is always something so incredibly idiotic about Jessica Simpson that makes your brain hurt (much like hers when she attempts to think). Meanwhile, the real [...]