7 Inappropriate Times to Drink an Energy Drink

Captain Polish pretty much lives off of Monster Energy Drinks. So much that we recently had an intervention to help him cease and desist drinking them. The tipping point was one sunny afternoon, he was waiting at a stop light when an old lady walked up next to him. Polish noticed a huge puddle right in front of them so to be polite he offered to help her over the puddle. The old lady denied his request, so what did Polish do? He opened up a can of his Monster Energy “BFC” (Google it), chugged it then picked the old lady up and threw her over the puddle. Now I’m not talking about a gingerly little toss here. Polish literally threw her 4 city blocks. So needless to say, the Police were called arrived on scene and apprehended Polish but not after he Polish Smashed 3 of their police cars. This then causing the intervention thus inspiring me to write this post.

#7 – After an old lady denies your assistance
So you read above, the old lady denying you doesn’t mean that she doesn’t think you are capable of assisting her she just thinks that she can handle it herself. Next time this situation arises, you show her the energy drink you are about to chug letting her know you are about to do some work on her. If she looks at you and laughs, calling you a pussy, you have the right, by law, to chug that energy drink and demolish her existence. If she simply says “No thank you sonny”, then it would be inappropriate for you to demolish her existence. Think before you chug.

#6 – At a strip club
Nothing says getting thrown out of a strip club faster than you punching, instead of spanking, the stripper on the ass. I think that is a major reason why they don’t serve energy drinks in strip clubs. When the stripper says harder, she doesn’t mean Polish Smashing her in the meat drapes. Have you ever seen a Polish Smash? It’s devastating…ly awesome! There is a 100% chance that you will be beat the fuck up by the bouncers Sammy Mortadella and Pauly Pepperoni. Unfortunately for you steroids have a longer lasting effect than your energy drink. But then again, fortunately for you your balls don’t look like holocaust victims. You 1, Guido Bouncers 0.

#5 – Right before going on a 10 hour flight
I would think someone would want to be asleep for most of that time on the plane. Ten hours is a long time to be sitting in the same seat with limited motion. But oh no, not you. You just polished off a 4 pack of Full Throttle energy drinks just before entering the gate. Your seat is in the middle row of the plane, in the middle seat. On your left is that goddamn old lady from #7 and to the right, you suspect is the Air Marshall but can’t be too sure. An hour into the flight those Full Throttle’s are really kicking you in the bladder. The old lady is asleep so the only way out is pass the suspected Marshall. You get up and run down the aisle to the bathroom only to arrive and both of them occupied. So, you run down to the other end of the plane where the same situation is happening. Overcome with the urge of peeing your pants, you rip off your shirt, yell real loud, punch the guy in the face standing next to you in line and kick down the bathroom door not realizing it is the door to the outside. So pretty much you get sucked right out, fall 40,000 feet and go splat. Do us a favor, drink a Gatorade next time asshole.

#4 – Right before you go in for a colonoscopy
Poop, farts, sharts, anything butt related is funny. No bones about it. It isn’t so funny when a doctor has to stick a camera up your butthole though. Don’t make it more difficult for yourself and the doctor by drinking an energy drink before you go. The last thing he needs is your butt gaining a mind of its own from the superior powers of energy drinks. What? You didn’t know that? Yea, when you drink energy drinks it gives your butt a brain. Scary isn’t it? So your colonoscopy would probably go something like this: The doctor lubes up the camera sticks it in your butt and starts to look around. See’s nothing out of the ordinary. Then out of nowhere, you both start to feel a thump every few seconds. Next thing he sees is a brown fist, some corn, then the camera’s picture goes to static. You both look at each other puzzled at what happened. What happens next is downright the scariest thing probably ever. The camera comes shooting out your butt followed by a title wave of shit, corn and those awesome chipotle cashews you ate last night. It engulfs the doctor leaving behind nothing but a pair of smoking shoes. Horrifying right? Indeed.

#3 – Before giving a eulogy at a funeral
I can picture it now, right before you go up to the podium to speak about your deceased auto repair guy Frank, you chug a can of Crunk Juice, crush the can and throw it to the side. I mean hell, you should’ve just taken a couple of lines before you went up there. Same shit right? What makes this inappropriate is that well A) it’s at a funeral, B) no one likes being shoved and cursed at on your way up to the podium to speak, C) usually using expletives about the deceased and speaking about the one time you guys got so high that you thought it would be funny to take dump in one cars ventilation system is inappropriate and D) no one likes to get the middle finger pointed at them at all let alone at a funeral. But I gotta say, you rocked the fuck out of the eulogy. If they have them, then you my friend officially got the MVP of the funeral.

#2 – Right after waking up from heart surgery
Because you know, after a few hours under the knife, you are really craving a Red Bull. I mean who isn’t? And you know that on the first floor of the hospital there is a vending machine that vends nothing but Red Bulls. Since waking up from open heart surgery, you’d figure the nurses would feel somewhat bad for you and get you anything you want. You politely ask the nurse if she would get you one. She laughs at you and says that would kill you. Denied but determined to get one, you get out of bed when the nurse is not in the room and hobble over to your roommate sitting in a wheel chair. In a fit of rage, you flip that fucker out of the chair and steel it. Since your roommate was a 10 year old boy, he so conveniently put a baseball card of Al “the Mad Hungarian” Hrabosky in the spokes of his wheelchair. So unfortunately for you, there is no ninja-ing your way out of your room. You come barreling out of the room at about 11mph aiming directly for the elevator to the 1st floor, baseball card flicking away like a mother fucker. The nurses and doctors try to stop you to no avail. You actually stiff arm the old lady from room 506 walking down the hall with an oxygen tank just to make the elevator before the doors close. You make it, you are in the elevator. Being the sweaty, bloody mess you are, you look at the other people in the elevator and ask, “First floor please”. You arrive to the 1st floor and pull up to the Red Bull machine. Realizing you have no money, you pick up the wheelchair and smash the glass on the machine. You reach in and grab an ice cold Red Bull. You chug that fucker and about 3.2 seconds later your heart explodes ripping open your chest spraying blood and heart pieces over everyone within a 7 foot vicinity. Inappropriate.

#1 – Before having sex on your honeymoon
I am assuming your wife treasures her vagina and I’m sure you do too. That’s one of the reasons you married her. You wouldn’t marry a woman with a nasty gash, it’s just not something you want to deal with for the rest of your days. But nothing says holy shit that’s gross more than a smoking vag. Making love on your honeymoon is supposed to be a sensual time for you both. So I suggest staying away from any sort of energy drink. You’re not supposed to be trying to beat Jimmie Johnson’s lap time around Texas Motor Speedway. It’s just inappropriate. So my friend, put down the Shark Stimulation energy drink and pick up a Pina Colada. No woman, especially your wife, likes tire tracks left behind. Unless of course the week before you left for your honeymoon, your wife “accidentally” erased all the new Shark Week episodes from the DVR. She thought you would have forgotten by now, but you didn’t forget. If that’s the case, then burn rubber my man. Burn. Fucking. Rubber.