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The Captains
This weekend, many high schoolers will be drunk for the first time, many cherries will be popped, and many parents will be thrilled to death that their kids are going away to school or somewhere else to live. You know, they teach you a lot in school, but never the things you need to learn. Thank god for the Captains.
Spicoli was a legend
Here’s some advice for our underaged friends who are ending their high school careers this week:
Learn to drink
That’s right. You’re underaged and can’t drink legally, but you will be doing it regardless because its cool. Do yourself a favor – learn your limits. The best way to do this is grab your friends and get drunk! Go to someone’s house, a random field, the beach, wherever, and get drunk! Trust us, if you learn to drink in front of people that don’t care if you get wasted and puke all over the place, you’re going to make a better impression on the new people you meet within the next few months or with the opposite sex. Which brings me to my next topic…
Engage the opposite sex
If you haven’t scored yet, now is the time to do it! People are going their separate ways and now is the time to proclaim your “feelings” for others. This is simple and straightforward. When you see the chic you liked in Earth Science class, go talk to her, get her away from the crowd, then bust a move. She’ll respond, because you have balls to go through with it.
Also, contrary to popular belief, leave all your relationships with the opposite sex on good terms. A couple of years can do a lot. The skinny girl with no boobs and acne can become a 10 in a matter of a year and a half. This has happened and happens rather frequently. Plus, the token fat girl, or mother hen, has plenty of hot friends. Being good to her has its advantages.
Learn to work
No matter what you’ll do in life after high school, it’ll require working for some period of time. Get used to it. You don’t have to enjoy it, but get used to doing something for 8 hours a day. If need be, break it into two 4-hour shifts. Believe it or not, but many American’s spend their 1/3 of their day doing something they do/don’t enjoy. The faster you realize this and become accustomed to being productive, the faster you’ll move out of the gate at any job or profession.
Take a road trip
Gather friends and go somewhere before you go your separate ways. Your friends will change within the next few years, but you’ll always have something that bonds you together 5, 10, 20, 40 years down the line. Plus, if you’re looking for that perfect score, get the opposite sex to go then (BAM!); you’re good to go.
Befriend your family
You lived with your family forever. Your parents will always be your parents, but instead of being their kid, begin being their friend. Sounds weird, but (1) they’ll hook you up financially down the line, (2) you’ll have a greater appreciation/pride for your family, and (3) if it wasn’t for them, you ain’t around!
Try Pot (just one time)
I know, may sound like bad advice, but once again, if you’re interested try it before you’re around strangers. Its not a gateway drug (contrary to popular opinion), it’ll be legal within the next five years (and taxed heavily by the government), and it’ll be all over the place at any college or university (if you disagree you’re an idiot). Don’t get silly with it, but learn what it’s like to be high. Go to a rock show if you can. 311, Dave Matthews, and O.A.R. shows should make you contact high. You’ll soon learn why Half Baked was so funny. If you don’t know what Half Baked is, you need to get on that too.
Learn how to break the law
A good friend once said, break one law at a time and you’ll be OK. We fully support that. For example, if you’re driving, don’t speed and talk on the phone. Do one or the other.
The only time this becomes moot is if the cops are involved. For example, if you’re at a party, you’re wasted, and it’s broken up, bust ass to evade capture. If you’re caught, you’re fucked.
That should set you up for an awesome summer and an even better fall no matter what you’re doing next. The Captain’s salute our graduating readers and hope they bring TCM in all of it’s glory to their respective college’s next year. We’re beginning to go global, bitches.
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Tags: graduation
Category: If I had known then what I know now
June 24th, 2009
Sucks for the people graduating college and have to go out into the worst job market in the last thirty years. There’s gonna be a lot of college grads out there flipping burgers this year.