The Next American Family

If you haven’t heard the news, Ted Kennedy died last week. Before you scroll down, I’m going to preface this upfront that this is not a tribute to Ted Kennedy. If you receive basic cable or have Internet access, you probably now have some understanding of Ted Kennedy’s impact on the nation and that’s a better place to receive that news instead of from this web site. This is a look into something more important now that Ted is out of the picture – who is the next American Family?

What do I mean? Well, for the past 50 – 60 years or so, the Kennedy’s have been dubbed “America’s First Family”. JFK, RFK, and Ted have given their lives to public service, literally. JFK and RFK were assassinated and Ted just gave all he had to his job until the day he died. The family was under a constant media microscope beginning with JFK’s rise into prominence and now ending with the passing of Ted. An era has ended.

But with the ending of an era, a new one has to take it’s place, right? Who will become the next American Family that everyone gasps when hardship hits and celebrates during good times? Who will have the longevity to challenge the Kennedy’s? I’ve been doing some thinking and here’s some options:

The Jonas Family –
I don’t know too much about the family over all, but these three little fucks with their purity rings are all over the place. I can’t get a Whopper without seeing their mugs on everything in Burger King. The South Park episode with them was awesome. The mom seems hot, but the Dad doesn’t look like he pulls much salt in the family. There are a couple of other little shits in this photo meaning that we won’t hear the end of this family for a while.
Longevity prediction: 30 years based on the proposed popularity of the brother band during reunion concerts and stints on Rock of Love

The Hilton Family –
Even if you have been living under a rock, you still know that Paris is a slut. The mega-millionaire clan of two would-be-hot-sisters-if-everyone-didn’t-know-all-the-people-they-banged, trophy wife, young upstanding gentlemen (or so it seems), and patriarch father have been around for years already, but our longevity projection will factor that into play. It will also factor in the shelf life of Paris’s famous sex tape.
Longevity prediction: 37 years based on Paris and Nikki Hilton procreating hot offspring. Their brothers will carry the torch for a bit too, wait and see.

The Kardashian Family -
The Kardashian takeover began the minute Kim showed off her luscious butt in a certain gentlemen’s magazine. Her actions brought the family it’s own reality show where all the Kardashian women get into each other’s business and play cat games for however long the show is. Bruce Jenner, winner in the 1976 Olympics, walked into this mess somehow, but we can’t blame him. His wife’s hot. I think two of the sisters, the younger one and the fat one, signed onto some BS reality TV show so we’ll continue to hear about this clan for some time, but I don’t think it’ll be longer than any of the above.
Longevity prediction: 22 years based on the feasibility of botox and plastic surgery keeping Kim Kardashian hot and that ass from hitting the floor.

The Osbourne Family –
Already on the decline, but worthy of a mention since they brought back that whole family feeling. I have no clue who the 5th wheel is in this photo, but apparently he’s part of the family. Both siblings has been relegated to the lame party-goers everyone wishes doesn’t show up to crash a party so they’re done. The mom has sold out and is doing judging on a reality TV show so she’s out. But you can’t count out a man who pissed on the Alamo and bit the head off a bat.
Longevity prediction: 10 years based on the amount of drugs Ozzy has consumed, he will be a meaningful member of society for said years.

Gene Simmons’ Family –
I had to throw this one on the list because Gene Simmon’s fronted KISS and that is an accomplishment into itself. Gene didn’t marry his long-time girlfriend who is mother to his children. What a deal he got. The kids have potential, but considering I don’t know their names, them making it big doesn’t look good.
Longevity prediction: 5 years or 5 years worth of KISS concerts.

I’ll be the first to admit, but these are some pretty lame selections, but it’s the best I could do after being away for a week. If you have ideas, send them in. I’m hoping we can dub someone other than the Hilton’s the heir apparent’s to the unprecedented national media coverage the Kennedy’s received. It sucks, but when you think of all the big somewhat important family’s now, they’re big because they have their own reality TV show. That’s a bunch of crap.