The Playoff Beard.

It is a spectacle in the sport of hockey. Players letting their facial hair grow out throughout their team’s playoff run. It originated back in the 80s when players did not want to re-open facial wounds during the playoffs, so they just quit shaving. It has evolved to be a timeline of survival. The bigger the beard, the longer that player and his team have advanced closer to Lord Stanley’s Cup.

It’s unfortunate though for those who cannot grow an acceptable playoff beard. Lets take the Penguins’ Sidney Crosby for example. Sure, he is a great player, but this kid cannot grow a beard to save his career. Now compare that to his rival in the cup playoffs, Kris Draper– a seasoned veteran — who puts Crosby’s pubie looking beard to absolute shame. Just take a look at exhibit A below. Draper and the Wings should win the Stanley Cup on beard performance alone.

The playoff beard doesn’t have to just be used by hockey players during the playoffs. It can be used by anyone for anything. Here is a list of 5 other reasons to grow a playoff beard. (Ladies, this list is not for you. Please don’t grow a beard, that’s not socially acceptable and to be honest, just plain gross.)

1. You are a “playa” and each time you meet a new girl, you grow your beard to show others how long you have been with her. By growing the beard, it makes her less attracted to you which would eventually lead up to her leaving you. You now do not look like the asshole essentially making you the winner. Shave beard, repeat.
2. This is quite the opposite of #1. Grow your beard in between times you have sex. If it starts to get too long, then you know its time to go muff hunting. Don’t turn into this or the world will know how pathetic you truly are. Have sex, shave beard, repeat.
3. When you purchase milk, or anything that has an expiration date, grow your beard. When your beard reaches your belly button, its time to toss out that milk which now talks. Think of your beard as kind of an expiration alarm clock. Buy milk, shave beard, repeat.
4. Whenever FOX comes out with a new reality TV show, grow your beard until the show 100% will become canceled. Shave beard and repeat for all the retardedness that comes out of that network (With a few exceptions of course).
5. Buy a hybrid, fill up tank with gas and let your beard grow. Gloat to friends when beard passes your collar saying, “my hybrid gets better gas mileage than your car.” Drive off cliff, die.

So there you have it ladies and gents…the playoff beard.

Grow your own beard here, you pre-pubescent biyatch.