With great sideburns comes great responsibility

There is a situation occurring in the world that was virtually unheard of decades and centuries ago – facial hair is losing its style. We at TCM wonder whether facial hair is actually losing it’s style or if men now a days are too pussy to rock something truly unique and somewhat awesome on their mugs. Back in the day, facial hair set men apart from, well, other men. Today it’s either what car you drive or how you dress. It’s a shame.

Well it’s up the Captain’s to take you for a stroll down memory lane to marvel at some famous facial-haired forefathers:

You guessed it – this is Ivan the Terrible. In the frozen land of Russia, he popularized the beard and beating his kids. Although this is a mere painting, notice the intensity of this beard. If you rocked this today, someone would think of you as a serial killer or raving lunatic.

How much did you want to be a Musketeer once you learned what the hell they were? I remember the 1992 flick with the horrible Sting and Brian Adams theme song was one of the first times in my life I noticed boobs. It was also the first time I noticed how gnarly a mustache and soul patch combo can be. Judging by the movie and from what I know about France, if you rock this combo, you are guaranteed some boobs.

Puritans rocked what is now commonly referred to as a goatee, but back in the day was called a Pendelton (not to be confused with a merkin). The Puritans wanted religious freedom, but don’t call them pussies. These mofo’s traveled across the Atlantic on a hellish three-month cruise drinking nothing but beer and doing their business off the side of the ship. The goatee was a badass enough look that struck some fear in the natives. Little known fact: the first Thanksgiving was actually a shaving lesson for all the natives. They just paid with food since they had no coin (notice in any picture you find from the first thanksgiving how no native has facial hair).

This guy killed bears, Indians, and Mexicans with his bear hands. His secret was not brute frontier strength, luck, or anything else you can conjure. It was his luscious sideburns. While the sideburns are not aggressive as our next featured man of facial hair, you’ll understand that Davy Crockett was true to his world and always believed in doing the right thing because with great sideburns comes great responsibility.

Ambrose Evert Burnside is the man that sideburns were named after. Not only was he hardcore enough to sport something as amazing as what you see here, he lent his name to his creation that many young men will sadly never realize. Burnside was a General on the Union side during the Civil War – affectionately known to many historians as the greatest facial hair war of all-time. Burnside’s sideburns are a work of art. If you were able to rock something of this magnitude, you’re probably going to get free gas at gas stations, beers at bars, and an abundant amount of ladies to choose from in life.

Wyatt Earp’s enemies feared his reputation as a fierce lawman, but not as much as they feared that fierce mustache he rocked. This mustache is known to have taken the lives of three Cowboys and a number of Buffalo on the great plains. The men of west had every right to rock mustaches and other assortments of facial-hair because if they didn’t, they’d look like a pussy and probably die soon after they arrived in town. A mustache like this goes a far way in a cow town.

Sadly TR is one of the last U.S. President’s to rock any facial hair. TR was a man’s man. He set the world record for hand shakes in a year and spoke for an hour after being shot in the chest – his mustache would not allow any assassins a chance to end his life. His predecessor, William Taft, was the last official U.S. President to rock a mustache giving him this esteemed honor.

It’s a shame, but I think you’ll never see facial hair of this magnitude any more.

If you disagree, send us some photos of your best facial hair creation: we’ll give you your well deserved day in the sun and post your pic.