Now that the World Cup has ended with Spain as the World Champions, soccer can now go back to being the sport that American’s refuse to recognize as a sport. It’s no longer a topic of conversation you hear in the bar, office or public bathroom.
“Hey, did you hear that New Zealand tied Italy?”
“No fucking way!? A tie!? Are you serious!? I can’t believe that, that is the greatest thing to ever happen in the World Cup!!!11!1!!”
So, the next time you hear someone ask a question about who won the soccer match, they will most likely get kicked in the face…in America anyways. So the most important question comes out of the World Cup ending. “What the fuck do I do with this goddamn vuvuzela!?”
You went out to the store after this horn became popular and now own probably the most annoying sounding instrument next to Dane Cook. What do you do with it now? You have come to the right place muchacho.
#5 – Make church more annoying than it already is
Apparently they are trying to put the kabosh on the horn here in the states. Yankee Stadium kicked its first vuvuzela armed fan out a few weeks ago. Why not be the first to get kicked out of church? Bring that bad boy in and when the Priest begins the Mass, as Snoop Dogg would say, “Blow up your mouth like I was Dizzy Gillespie.”
#4 – Ladies, pee whilst standing up
Come on, we know all of you women are envious of us guys about, “How we can go to the bathroom anywhere.” Well, we can. And you can too now that you own a vuvuzela. Sure, there are products out there like the P-Mate and the GoGirl, but those are boring. Not only would yours be the most colorful “piss assist” out there, you would put the guy your peeing next to to shame. But be weary if you queef while holding this down there. No one likes an amplified queef. But farts…farts are a different story.
#3 – Can somebody say bong?
O yea, this one is for all of you crafty weed heads. I know ever since you bought that horn you have been thinking of ways to get high out of it (if you haven’t already)…and trust me, you have. The most practical way to do so is make it a bong. Come on, it already looks like one to begin with so you might as well use it for one. Just get a plastic bag, some duct tape, a drill and a slide and you my friend have yourselves the most annoying bong…ever.
#2 – Make it into a beer funnel
This is almost a given. There is almost a good chance you have used it for this already. If so, keep up the good work. For those who haven’t, then get on it. I am surprised you haven’t thought of this already, you know, during the downtime of EVERY WORLD CUP GAME. You know what them crazy fucking religious fucks say, “idle hands are the devil’s workshop…and make beer funnels out of the now useless vuvuzela.” Get on it cowboy.
#1 – Fart amplifier
This is probably the best idea for the vuvuzela. It already sort of sounds like a fart when you blow into it, so why not just eliminate the middle man and put it in between your butt cheeks and let one rip. To liven up the party, someone hold a lighter at the end of the vuvuzela. O yea, that is partly awesome with a 100% chance of funny as shit.
You can always use it as a device to make your dog piss on the rug.
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