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Memos Tagged alcohol


Movies
Mar72011

Five movies Charlie Sheen would enjoy.

hotshots Five movies Charlie Sheen would enjoy.

There were two major stories in the news this week pertaining to Hollywood. The first was the Oscars which I found to be incredibly useful as a sleep aid on Sunday night with the exception of that wonderful lunatic Kirk Douglas. It was so awkward and wonderful that I just couldn’t look away, even though I felt I should. I kept thinking to myself that we were all watching someone die on stage. And I mean that literally, not figuratively. I half expected that I would see him in the “For those we lost” montage they have at the end of the show each year. The second major story in the news this week is the other wonderful lunatic in Hollywood, Charlie Sheen. I can’t say enough about how much I love this guy. I just think that it’s fantastic that for once we can see a star being completely honest about his life. I mean he isn’t saying anything that we the public don’t already know to be true. He is rich, his life is awesome and better than ours will ever be, he loves drugs and porn stars, both of which he can afford and he is fucking awesome. Name one thing about that that isn’t true or isn’t what you would be doing/thinking if you had several million dollars in the bank. Many people are appalled, but I think fuck yes! We should look up to this guy. When most of us see a porno we just crank one out and then move on. Charlie says fuck that, I’m gonna call this whore and make her reenact this scene with me. Then I am going to do some blow and watch Jaws on my huge fucking yacht. Fuck yes!

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Stupid Stuff
Oct122010

The Drunk at the Alamo

Have you ever seen those guys in those movies that come like a bat out of hell with guns a blazin’ and never seem to run out of bullets? Well there is a reason for that. Usually this muchacho is wearing a bandoleer filled with a never ending supply of guns, ammo and the occasional burrito for appetite suppression.

Now, have you ever been at a bar and seen a guy rocking out shots like a bat out of hell and never seems to run out of alcohol? Well, there is also a reason for that. This drunk asshole is wearing a bandoleer filled with a never ending supply of shots, roofies and the occasional burrito for appetite suppression.

bandoleer The Drunk at the Alamo

That’s right, an alcohol bandoleer. Now you never have to worry about running out of shots of Sauza Tequila. It only takes about 3 hours and 16 bottles to fill up each shot but in the end it is totally worth it. Imagine showing up to a party wearing a really cool duster. Sure you will be the creeper of the party but that is until you open up your duster in an over dramatic fashion revealing your brand new shot glass bandoleer that your ex-girlfriend reluctantly got you on your 2 month anniversary and you haven’t really been able to use out in public until now. Only if there was some sort of gun to load these shots into which then you would blast into someones face.

This shit pretty much sells itself. But check out these great accessories to go along with the bandoleer!

bandoleer2 The Drunk at the Alamo

Because nothing says perfect accessory than the Raptor Claw Hand Spike. I bet you I can get mega chicks with that…right after you slay the King Dragon Lord of Valdaria.

You can thank us later for literally making you the coolest person to show up at your 10 year high school reunion. Well, minus the guy who showed up the the boob luge.


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Entertainment, Soccer, Sports
Apr212010

World Cup Survival Guide

worldcup World Cup Survival Guide

The World Cup is coming to South Africa in June and if you’re like me you care fuck all about soccer. However these things only happen once every four years and they’re a blast/worth participating in.  You don’t have to like soccer to rock out on it.  The Cup presents opportunities for the fun, excitement, and possibly Brazilian girls. Here’s how to make it work…

Location
The last thing you want to do is go to a regular American bar or tavern. You need something a little exotic to enjoy the World Cup. Its  hard to beat German Biergartens for the international atmosphere and awesome beer selection. This is going to be your best choice. There should be a number of strange accents and crazy European  people coming out of the woodwork. This also means hot foreign chicks. Another option is Mexican restaurants who will probably have the craziest fans and best food. Dos Equis and tequila will give you a new appreciation for the game. I would  avoid British pubs lest you be dragged into an actual soccer conversation though.

Behavior
Be respectful, but feel free to be the ignorant soccer fan you want to be. People get rowdy and patriotic all over the world for this tournament. Riots, brawls, and chaos are not uncommon. I say get loud and have fun during the  Cup. Dress up in red, white, blue colors and tell anyone you see that America is gonna win it all. You can be a little obnoxious but don’t drift into Eagle’s fans territory (no one wants to see those sad fucks). Relax, sample as many world beers as possible, and check out foreign girls. Trash talk is fun but watch-out for hooligans.

Dangers
Hooligans, high-alcohol German beer, nationalism,  annoying soccer chants

Pro’s
Exotic women, high alcohol German beer, seeing different cultures, shouting out “Goooooooooooaaaaaaaaal

Synopsis
Take the excuse for a party and go with it. Use it as a way to expand your knowledge of other nations and get drunk and happy with their peoples. Do it right and do it again in four years.

Originally by Captain Fuerza.


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Movies, Video
Nov172009

Paul Newman…Drinking

Awhile back, I did an article about Paul Newman’s movie roles and how he seemed to always portray an alcoholic of some sort. To further drive this point home, I’ve included a clip from the 1958 movie, Cat On A Hot Tin Roof.

No lie, I’ve seen an eerily similar scene at the bar between TCM’s Captain Kirk and Captain Yar just with a lot more crying.


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Drinking
Oct12009

Ice Luge? No, the Boob Luge.

If you have never done an Ice Luge then you obviously don’t party to often. For those who don’t know what an ice luge is, it is a block of ice placed on an angle with a crevice carved out in which one person stands at the top and pours alcohol down to another person waiting to drink. Simple really. You see this mostly taking charge at frat houses where some guy will pour too much alcohol down the chute to some waiting girl who is about to get doused all over her white t-shirt and when she does, everyone cheers.

The ice luge has been around for centuries. After the American Declaration of Independence was signed, the founding fathers partied with an ice luge and some local strippers. No joke, look it up. So, it was only a matter of time before someone thought up the idea of drinking alcohol out of boobs. Now we know how Russian babies feel everytime they take a sip out of their mother’s vodka laced titty. ???? ???????????. (Most excellent).

DS23575 img Ice Luge? No, the Boob Luge.

Here is a list of things made of ice we would like to drink alcohol out of:

  • Assault Rifle
  • A mold of the Governator’s arm holding a pitcher.
  • Battle Axe
  • An exact replica of FDR’s cane
  • A life sized Tomahawk missile
  • Vida Guerra’s ass

Let us know if you have any other excellent ice luge ideas.

O, sorry ladies and Captain Kirk, the ice dick is not on that list and probably won’t be. You can find a nice array of ice dildos though. Captain Kirk can show you the way.

Click here to purchase and wish these were the boobs you sucked out of as a baby.


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News
Jul312009

The Great American Beer Summit

I’ve never heard so much about something so stupid before in my life until today when the media’s coverage of the beer summit at the White House blew up all over the world much like Ron Jeremy’s proverbial load has been blown countless times all over Christy Cannon.

From what reports have given us, we know Obama had a Bud Lite, the Cop had a Blue Moon traditional style with a slice of orange, the Professor had a Sam Adams Light, and Biden manned up with a non-alcoholic beer. What kind? I don’t give a shit because I drink alcoholic beer and I enjoy it, maybe way too much at times, but who gives a shit about that.

r The Great American Beer Summit

Let me say, as the leader of the free world, I was expecting more from Obama on this beer party. He should be ashamed of the way it went down:

1. Where’s the party clothes? How can they get loose in suits? I was expecting someone to at least where a beer box over their head for a bit.
2. Who serves beer on a tray?
3. Bud Light? Come on. I was hoping when I heard he had a Bud Light, it was more like he had 30 and drinking games ensued.
4. Speaking of which, no beer pong, flip cups, or asshole?
5. Why a few beers? I would’ve paid to see them all get plastered and really talk about race. That would’ve been awesome.
6. Also, why no keg parties at the White House? I know it’s not a frat house, but these guys got to live a bit. I can’t imagine what it’d be like if I didn’t get loose in my own home (or designated home) for four years. Those would be four long years.

I’m not even going to analyze the beers each one selected, but 2/3 of the alcoholic beers are foreign. Sam Light? Way to pick the shittiest brew of all 18 blends. Well maybe Cranberry Lambic is worse, but you know what I’m getting at.

Fellas, regardless or your age, race, and stature, we can make better choices than you did at this beer summit. Yes we can.

Speaking of which, if you could drink a beer with the President and he had to pace you, what would you be drinking and what would you pick for him to drink?? Ram’s piss is not an acceptable answer for either.


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Drinking, Video
Mar212009

Alcohol

The greatest explanation of drinking known to man compliments of Jim Breuer (yep, the guy from Half Baked):


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