TCM can’t get enough of these asinine news headlines. America seems to have forgotten that some of us actually have brains.
As always a big thanks to Shaffer for collecting and sending these screen shots over to us.
Memos Tagged ‘America’
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StumbleMar12010
Headline News
Have you noticed that America is becoming dumber? When you check your e-mail on a website like Yahoo or AOL that has news headlines, the most prominent one is always something so incredibly idiotic about Jessica Simpson that makes your brain hurt (much like hers when she attempts to think). Meanwhile, the real headline news is buried really small in the corner.
Well, loyal TCM reader Shaffer and I have been kicking around this idea for months. He spent a long time collection screen shots of Yahoo’s homepage and we’d like to present it to you in a new segment we call, Headline News. In all cases please note the retarded banner headline and the top real news headline on the bottom half of the screen.
Way to go America! Thanks for treating us all like we are 14 year old girls and brain dead hicks.
Feb162010
The War On Fat Kids
First there was the War on Drugs, then the War on Terror, and now we’re fighting a new war – the War on Fat Kids. It’s true, the government is allocating a lot of resources (money) to combat (force) little chubsters (fatties) to get in shape (not be so fat).
To put this in perspective, let me defer to Mr. Matt Furey on his opinions on fat kids and nutrition:
Yes, I am very concerned about obesity in this nation – but it begins with adults, not kids. It trickles down from mom and pop and their bad habits…It trickles down from fat parents who don’t read labels and don’t exercise. And don’t care.
Damn Matt Furey, you’re right. It’s not the kids we need to be targeting, but their fat parents! Parents who take the easy road and serve up double cheeseburgers instead of double servings of vegetables and other healthy foods.
You can’t just blame parents, though because as a nation we’re a huge collection of fat asses. Collectively two of three Americans are basically obese. I measure in at 5′10 220 lbs. and am considered mildly obese. I exercise, ride bikes, play sports, climb mountains, and live a normal life; yet I’m characterized as basically being a fat ass.
How did it get this way? Well for me, the post college years kicked my ass. Transitioning from days filled of walking around campus, playing pick up games of hoop, tennis, racquetball, etc., going to the gym, and going for a jog to sitting in front of a desk for 10 hours tends to take a toll on a man/woman. Companies need to consider wellness stations at work for this reason. Imagine how much productivity would increase if workers have more energy?
For America’s little fatties things are different. When I grew up, there was this concept of “play.” Play was anything. Play was riding bikes around town. Play was playing kill the carrier in someone’s front lawn. Play was hiking through the woods looking for Playboy’s. Play was something active – not video games, TV, or anything kids today do.
Why did play disappear? Well, today’s parents are pussies. There is no rational reason for calling them this outside of it being the truth. The world is too dangerous for their kids even if they live in the suburbs that has more cops than it knows what to do with. Rapists, murderers, pedophiles, and other rouges have existed for thousands of years, yet just today we’re now concerned with them ruining the welfare of our children.
Wake up parents. You want your kid to get skinny, get them off their ass and outside to create their own problems. The fact we’re going to spend more tax dollars to start a “new war” makes me sick.
We should consider taking a similar approach to what Japan is doing – set limits on clothes sizes and watch people get in shape fast. Yes, there is a fat tax in Japan and it works. If you are fat, you have to pay more money to live.
It’s worth a shot. The other alternative is paying more taxes because America’s little fatties are overprotected by their parents who probably are fat and have no intention of changing.
Jan82010
Video of the Day!
O my, I suppose our military boys don’t watch much television. Stick to killing guys, stick to killing.
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Nov262009
Random Thoughts Of The Day
I wish John Wayne had recorded Country albums. America and country music would have been a lot better off and significantly more badass.
Nov262009
A absurd, completely useless history of Thanksgiving.
Since Thanksgiving is here, we at TCM wanted to pick your brain with some Thanksgiving trivia entirely made up by us.
- You were lied to in school. The first Thanksgiving did not take place between the Pilgrims and Indians. It took place between Jesus and the Easter Bunny.
- The meaning of the holiday is Jesus saying, “Hey Easter Bunny, thanks for giving me these eggs, they are delicious. [Pause while eating the eggs] Wait a minute, your a rabbit, how do you lay eggs!?” This frazzled the Easter Bunny because he knew Jesus was on to him, so what did the Easter Bunny do? He had Jesus crucified. Jesus didn’t die for your sins. He died because he knew the Easter Bunny’s dark secret.
- The first meal was not a turkey, but actually an exquisite dish made up of Polar Bear kabobs skewered on the ivory tusks of an African Elephant and cooked in a stew mixture of American Eagle blood and Drop Bear testosterone. Sounds like my drunk snack at 3am. No wonder why I keep waking up with large bloodied holes in my wall.
- The Pilgrims and Indians did participate in Thanksgiving, but instead of a meal, the Indians challenged the Pilgrims to a Nutball Tournament. Editors Note: If you don’t know what Nutball is, then we recommend clicking on that link. Your swollen nuts can thank us later. And for the record, the Pilgrims won.
- Where did the turkey come from you ask? Well, little to everyone’s knowledge, the Civil War was actually 2 different parts. The South won the first part, and the North won the second. During the first war, when Southern artillery teams became low on cannon balls, they would use frozen turkeys. They thought twice the size and just as lethal. After the South won Civil War I, they had an over abundance of frozen turkeys. So naturally, what would a redneck do with a frozen turkey? That’s right, try and fuck it. The North saw this and thought, “We can’t have a bunch of turkey fuckers running this country”. So in response, they declared Civil War II on the South but this time winning. You can thank the Union, instead of fighting for the leg of the turkey to eat on thanksgiving, we could be fighting over holes to stick your very private area’s in. Shotgun anus!
- I don’t even think you want me to talk about the origin of gravy. If any of you know how we roll, you can figure out that gravy was originally a frozen, fossilized shit-piss from a caveman that was used as a plate to hold the mashed potatoes because the people didn’t know it was a fossilized shit-piss. The warmth of the potatoes melted the shit-piss into a gravy like substance which was eaten. It actually tasted good according to the gravy history books. Fortunately for us today, gravy is not a shit-piss from a caveman.
There you have it fatso’s. Spread the good word about the true Thanksgiving history.
Nov202009
Standardizing Grocery Stores
I realize we don’t live in Communist Russia, but I really feel like grocery stores across America should become standardized. If that’s too much for you, how about they standardize stores within the same chains. So every time you go to (insert: generic chain supermarket here) no matter where you are, you will find everything instantly. You won’t have to wander around looking for plastic cutlery (only to find that it’s not in the isle with the paper plates but with party supplies). Think about how much time in your life you’d get back or at least save in the future.
Another thing while we’re at it, why not standardize mailboxes across America. Make them all that simple generic metal kind in either red, white, or blue.
None of this fancy retarded bullshit people have where their mailbox is a giant bear and the envelopes go into it’s mouth and you can open it through it’s stomach. Just give me a regular mailbox…that or a large pike on the front of my lawn where you can stick your letters right through the sharp part.
