Since every kid these days is pretty much living on Facebook what a better way to teach history than to do so on Facebook. That way these little shitheads will actually pay attention.
Since every kid these days is pretty much living on Facebook what a better way to teach history than to do so on Facebook. That way these little shitheads will actually pay attention.
Texas. It’s a huge ass state that the U.S. fought for against the Mexicans in the Mexican War and was annexed quickly afterward as a result. It is a state where things are big – boobs, sports teams budgets, food, and people. It is a state where Bush came from. Enough said.
Thomas Jefferson. He wrote our Declaration of Independence and had a lot of influence on the Constitution and Bill of Rights. He was the 3rd U.S. President. He made the Louisiana Purchase (which put us closer to Texas) from France. He also impregnated his slave Sally Hemmings. He also rocked a nice blow out and was named man of the millennium (not falcon).
Divorce. A separation of two people or things usually over some crazy circumstance (money, cheating, etc.). Think Sally Field and Burt Reynolds. Think Jon and Kate. Think Raquel Welch. Think Seattle and the Supersonics. Think Texas and Thomas Jefferson?
According to the brilliant folks on the Texas School Board, Thomas Jefferson was too much of a leftist and will be left out of the state’s curriculum for History. Basically no kids for the next ten years will learn anything about Thomas Jefferson because the state believes he’s too much of a bad influence on its children. The guy only bought the land that enticed people to move west. He only created the document that gave us our freedom. Definitely no big deal, right?
I don’t know about you, but I’m at a loss here. What’s up with Texas?
I enjoy Michael Cera’s small body of work (aka playing the exact same role in every acting job he’s ever had) so here’s another one you can add to the list, Alexander Hamilton. This internet only video Drunk History Volume 1, involves a guy getting plastered and recounting to us the Alexander Hamilton/Aaron Burr duel. I wish all history could have been taught to me by a drunk when I was in elementary school, rather than the drunk bum who lived in the alley across the street from my school.
The Civil War was a turbulent and volatile period in our great nation’s past. But their was more to this war than states rights and slavery. Foremost, this was a war of facial hair, the kind the United States had never seen and will likely never see again.
Please watch this video (the opening credits to the movie, Gettysburg) and remember a simpler time when the world was a different place and stunning facial dominated the American landscape.
TCM has already given you the Top Ten Presidential looks and a glimpse back at some incredible names people had in the Middle Ages. Now we’d like to present to you a small list of badass names our beloved, U.S.A. has conjured up. It’s hard to compete with names from the likes of Ancient Greece or Rome. But, for a relatively “new” country we’ve done alright for ourselves.
5. Norman Schwarzkopf

Stormin’ Norman. Vietnam vet and General during Operation: Desert Storm. Single handedly helping to bring badass names into the 1990′s. Known for being firm but fair, his name speaks for itself.
4. Wolf Blitzer

CNN news anchor and all around classy guy. Wolf holds the monopoly on the modern time era bad ass name.
3. Chief Crazy Horse

Do I really need to explain you why this is badass? A native American in the Lakota tribe, he played a pivotal role in Custer’s Last Stand. Apparently, the beer industry loved his name so much they named a brand of 40′s after him. Neil Young’s on and off again backing band named themselves after him as well. He even had a little brother named High Horse. Need I say more?
2. William Tecumseh Sherman

Dear God does that reek of pure unadulterated badassness. A Civil War general with a native American middle name. That was absolutely unheard of. This man scorched Georgia for all it was worth and than just couldn ‘t stop.
1. Ulysses S. Grant

Alcoholic Civil War hero turned U.S. President. Grant is on the $50 bill and was ball parked at smoking over 10,000 cigars in 5 years. And honestly, could you ask for a more commanding throughly American badass name than that?
Let’s face it, the Presidency of the United States of America has lost some luster over the past 50 years with increased media scrutiny, partisan politics, lack of free time to unwind from the doldrums of the job, and of course, that Presidential “look and feel.” What do I mean, well when was the last time the White House played host to a President with facial hair? Oh you know what I’m getting at.
Here’s the Top 10 Presidential Looks according to the Captains:
#10 – Andrew Jackson: One of the first “I don’t give a shit the way I look” President’s evident by his overflowing locks of grey hair. A good leader to start of this list.
Taken straight from the 4th grade text book, “American History”, written in 2017.
Chapter 7, Example 7.2 : Two boys, each age 8, decide to set up drink stands in order to make money. Each borrow a small amount of cash (capital) from their parents and move forward with their plans. One boy sets up an Ecto Cooler stand and the other sets up a lemonade stand, each on one corner of Spooner street. Demand for the Ecto Cooler is high as over 80% of the customers, all local neighbors, prefer it over the lemonade. So instead of changing over to a new drink, the second boy borrows additional money from his parents, employs his two sisters, offers a promotion by giving away a free cookie with each drink, and reduces the cost of the lemonade – all contributing to a reduced profit. This attracts a few customers for a short time but before long they make their way back to the Ecto Cooler, as it is just the superior product. So the boy selling lemonade offers early retirement to his two sisters, giving them each a life time of free cookies and lemonade. He then progresses to hire three of his friends and old man Sullivan, who he thought would attract some much needed attention. Once again the same story occurs, the Ecto Cooler is just a better tasting and satisfying drink. So after working long hours, putting in a lot money, and never changing the game plan to adapt to the demand of the neighborhood, the lemonade stand now runs the risk of complete failure. The boy now owes a large amount of money to his parents (creditors) and must continue to give his sisters (retirees) unlimited cookies and lemonade for as long as the stand is still operable.
1868: The lemonade stand challenges the Ecto Cooler stand to a duel. The survivor sells a lower quality, cheap drink. The neighborhood purchases the drink because if they are thirsty, they have no other choice.
1869-2008: The lemonade stand goes out of business. The sisters receive what is left of the cookies and lemonade but do not receive anything after this runs out. The parents lose their investment. The stand with ecto-cooler wins 100% of the business and continues to do well into the future as the neighbors all flock to the better, and only stand, now existing on Spooner street. Two other 8 year old children see the opportunity and set up Hawaiian Punch and Soda stands on two other corners of Spooner Street, creating competition to Ecto Cooler.
2009: The lemonade stand is going to go out of business due to poor management, producing a product no one wants, a high cost of operating, and lower skill. The mother of the lemonade stand is also the town congressman. She institutes a new law that requires no vote that allows her to use all local taxes to pay off the lemonade stand debts. 60% of all lemonade revenues will go back to the town to repair roads, pay teachers & police, and collect garbage. The neighbors have no choice but to purchase the lemonade to keep their town operable. The Ecto Cooler stand loses 50% of its business because the mother of the lemonade stand made the decision her son’s stand would not fail, no matter how bad it was managed.