Memos Tagged ‘At Work’


Crazy, Issues
Mar102010

The Boogerman

Boogerman The Boogerman

This is absolutely real and hanging in the elevator at my work. My co-worker, Doug was able to secure a copy for TCM publication. Although, it has been edited briefly to remove the other location of the alleged perpetrator. You should know the mail room employees are not the only ones accused. More simply put, I don’t want you to know where I work.

I’m not sure what is more disturbing…the fact that someone is so fed up that they are spitting and wiping boogers all over elevator cars (and it’s not Captain Polish) or that someone was so grossed out by it that they went back to their desk and created this “Wanted” sign and potentially formed a posse to hunt this mother fucker down.

I don’t really know if I understand what they were hoping to accomplish with this sign. Did they want to intimidate the culprit into stopping or better yet confessing? More likely one of these “Wanted” signs will end up with said mucus wiped all over it. Clearly the person won’t be caught in the act because they wouldn’t be stupid enough (I hope) to be spitting all over an elevator when it was filled with people.

Yup, I work in a pretty sweet place.

Captain Flintheart   |    1 Comment »

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Holiday, Issues
Dec142009

Tis The Season For The Raping Of Your Wallet

I love Christmas, but this year it’s getting ridiculous. Besides the normal gifts I buy for my family/friends my office has begun to spiral out of control. I have to pay money for food associated with our Christmas party…ok fair enough. I have to buy a present for the office grab bag, fine. I have to get a present for my supervisor,  ok well that is expected. The work unit I’m in, within my office only consists of two more people, last year they each got me small gifts and I felt like a douchebag for not having anything to give them. So I have to get them something. My 2 big bosses work on my floor too and everyone else gets them presents (most likely to kiss serious ass) and it makes me look like a bastard if I don’t get them anything. Now, my co-workers wants to take up a collection for the cleaning guy, theirs donations for charities people are sponsoring, catalogs of cookies and other bullshit parents bring in to sell for their kids. It never ends.

Not to mention the mall…especially around this time. The middle of the mall has all different kinds of organizations begging you for money. You come out of the exits to get your car and the Salvation Army person is there ringing his bell. You go to the movies and they hit you up to donate a dollar and put a star on the wall. No lie, I was in JC Pennys buying a belt the other day and paid with a credit card. The cashier asked me if I wanted to round up my bill to the next dollar and donate the rest to some charity. I’ve never heard of such a thing in my entire life.

christmas shoppers Tis The Season For The Raping Of Your Wallet

This needs to end. It’s starting to get way out of hand. People are much less inclined to be charitable when they are being harassed and having shit shoved in their face. Just chill the fuck out, people will give you money if they want. Not everyone has a heart as cold as Captain Yar. Don’t force people to “donate”.

Captain Flintheart   |    1 Comment »

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Holiday, Issues, Work
Nov302009

“…and how was your Thanksgiving?”

If I had to hear this line uttered one more time today, I probably would’ve went postal.

OK, I get it. It’s the first day back from a long vacation; but there is no need to be overly concerned on how someone’s thanksgiving was. There’s no need to try to search and claw for every last detail.

Tell me, do you really care how much stuffing I ate, or what my favorite pie is, or who was there from my family, or how long it took me to pass out on the floor? Who gives a shit. What if I told you my deep-fried turkey caught on fire, burnt half the house down, and I received stress-related diarrhea as a result? You’d feel like a jerk.

If there is anything worse than work, it’s mixing small talk WITH work. Not only are you being graded on your performance, but you’re also now being graded on your ability to hop-knob (a.k.a kiss ass) with your superiors. What the fuck! Sure everyone has work friends (and they are vital to surviving each day), but there’s always that awkward forced conversation with a co-worker when you see them somewhere at work or out and about that is horrible and unavoidable. Editor’s Note: The Captain’s are going to touch on co-workers in depth at a later date.

I wisened up around 9 and created a default response for all of this today: too much food, too much family. That seemed to work for half of the day until someone said, “too much family?” I was preparing to drop kick them in the stomach until they decided to chime in on their holiday without warning. I used the massive shit excuse and walked away 13 seconds later. The minute you bring your stool into conversations, you’re good to get out of anything.

To answer the question though, my thanksgiving was just like yours. It involved food, drinking, and people. It was great.

Captain Polish   |    2 Comments »

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Holiday, Issues
Oct202009

Bullshit Holidays

hallmark Bullshit Holidays

Fuck Hallmark and their bullshit holidays. My office took up a collection for “Bosses Day” last week. Now this was for my two big bosses in the office and I have a supervisor that’s technically my boss too. When does it end? Where the hell is my “Employee Day”? Why don’t they buy us all something for making them money? Why do I need to reward them for telling me what to do and making more than enough money to put them into a different tax bracket? Isn’t that what Christmas is for? As least than (usually) you get something in return.

My mother was confused the other day when she went to my Grandmother’s house and saw a card she was reading. My mom asked what it was for and my Grandmother told her “Grandparent’s Day”. What the fuck is that all about?

I realize we live in a capitalistic society, but fuck off Hallmark and take your bullshit, made up, fake ass holidays with you.

Captain Flintheart   |    2 Comments »

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Entertainment, Random
Oct192009

How To Stay Awake During Meetings

I bet many of you are probably rather intrigued with the title of this post. After all, at work meetings are plentiful and they often are filled with meaningless rants by the office kiss ass. Well, thank god for the Captains, we’re going to make meetings fun again by introducing you to the Bullshit Meetings Game.

The Bullshit Meetings Game:

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5″x 5″ is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* expeditious
* to tell you the truth (or “the truth is”)
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mindset
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout “BULLSHIT!”

This game has a lot of legs to consider and we hope you consider all of them including betting against your colleagues. After all, isn’t that half the fun of work in the first place – trying to scam against your fellow peon?? Well it should be.

Captain Polish   |    No Comments Yet, Be The First »

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Issues, Women
Sep242009

Women & Sunglasses

What’s up with women these and those huge praying mantis sunglasses? It’s spiraling out of control.

sunglasses large Women & Sunglasses

They always buy the ones that frame their face perfectly and hide what they don’t want you to see. How many times have you witnessed a girl you thought was hot wearing sunglasses and as soon as she took them off you knew exactly why she was wearing them?

Another thing, ladies. It’s not a cool trend to wear them on top of your head when your inside for long periods of time. I understand the reason behind it in most cases. But when you work in an office and you have them on top of your head for 8.5 hours a day, you might need an intervention. Take those fuckers off. Or are you waiting for the moment the rapture commences and Heaven’s bright lights will burn out your sinning eyes?

It’s not fashionable, it’s fucking stupid. Another thing while I’m ranting, Teenagers take those goddamn stickers off your baseball hats and bend the fucking brim.

Thank you

Captain Flintheart   |    3 Comments »

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Issues, Man Moments
Aug252009

Why Women Can’t Complain That It’s Too Hot In The Office

Listen ladies, it’s the summer. We all know it’s hot as hell out. But, unless the heat is turned on in your office or you work outside you have no reason to complain. You have so much more leeway in how you can dress than men have.

You get to wear skirts, dresses, capri pants, sandals (or at the very least things that are conducive for air flow to your feet) and assorted other clothing that allows your arms to be bare from the shoulder down. I’m not saying you wear these types of clothing all the time, but at least you have the option to do so.

Men for the most part have to wear dress socks and shoes, khaki pants, an undershirt and a button down long sleeve shirt. That’s just if they are lucky! Some men have to wear ties and  suit jacket/blazer over top of that.

It’s petty, sure. But, I’m a very petty man. Everyone suck it up, it’s the fucking summer. It’s going to be cold as shit in a few months and than your going to wish it was hot again. (That is unless you live south of the mason dixon or west of the Mississippi or a different Country entirely for that matter).

Captain Flintheart   |    2 Comments »

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Issues, Random
Aug42009

The Office Kitchen/Break Room

breakroomone The Office Kitchen/Break Room

Now, I know not everyone is lucky enough to have a break room or kitchen at their job. If you do, you know how absurd they can be. There is a strange phenomenon that occurs between these walls.

In the refrigerator their will be food in there for over a year, I don’t mean food that rots (although, those can end up being in there for over 2 weeks). I’m talking about salad dressing and other shit. Someone brings something in for lunch and decides to order out that day and forgets about it. The same person will see it daily, but not realize it is their own. Meanwhile, you have to navigate your shit around someone else’s 9 month old hot pocket. Everyone is scared to death to throw it out too, so they don’t step on anyone’s toes.

No lie, their was a half dranken can of coke on the table in my office’s break room for a week. NO ONE would throw it out, because they weren’t sure the person was done with it. God forbid if it was your bosses! The person who drank half of it didn’t realize they were staring at it 15 times a day.

What the fuck?

Captain Flintheart   |    3 Comments »

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