If you’ve read in the past, I hate green beer. It’s dumb. Now you all can know the origins of this 1 day only drink.
And yes, it’s exactly like how egg nog is elf cum.
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Memos Tagged beer
Jan112011
Shoot A Brew
Have you ever been sitting in your backyard naked, alone and out of arms reach from your cooler filled with your favorite canned beer and in no ways are you getting up to get another because you are too lazy? Yea, we have all been there. Well, I think I may have found all of you lazy, naked fat asses a solution.
It is called the Shoot a Brew.
If you will remember back when we covered the beer throwing fridge. Well, this is exactly the same thing except it is a cooler and not your old mini fridge from college that still has remnants from that infamous “taco night”. Yea, you will never forget that night.
Besides being a portable cooler that throws beer at you, it can carry 24 of them. There is only a 2 second delay in between tosses which assures rapid refreshment. It has a waterproof remote control so the next time you take a bubble bath, you can bring Shoot A Brew into the bathroom with you. In the end though, that could be a dangerous situation since many of you probably don’t have 8 foot of clearance in your tiny apartment bathroom– which is how far the cooler can throw you a beer, 8 feet.
Take a peek at their rapid delivery system to calm a rowdy crowd. Well, not really rowdy but you get the idea.
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The perfect companions to “Shoot A Brew” would be “Chuck A Cheeseburger” and “Toss A Stripper”.
Dec312010
TCM’s Best of 2010
Well, in roughly 8 hours, 2010 will be dead. Forgotten and dead. What a better way than to showcase some of our best crap from the year they called two thousand ten.
Issues
Captain Polish touches on a hilarious issue in this country. The War on Fat Kids
TCM finally brings an end to the epic debate: Boobs vs. Butts.
Once again the mysterious powers of science unfortunately proved that the Dinosaurs were murdered.
Entertainment
Check out when we try and use the mysterious powers of science to figure our as to why Ke$ha looks like a stupid whore.
Conan O’Brien was out of a job, so we compiled a bunch of his best field work.
There are some quality bands that you listened to in the past, well remember one of them here!
If you could live in one “fake” house, I guarantee 99% of you would say The Ghostbuster’s Firehouse.
And you thought betting on who’s poop will be bigger was fun, check out these rules for betting on the TV show GUTS from Nickelodeon fame.
Captain Flintheart is friends with someone named Leroy. Here is one of his phone calls.
The muppets are funny. These people are funny looking.
Random Ramblings and Advice You Will Probably Never Listen Too
What the hell is up with Punxsutawney Phil and his gang of furry friends?
We lost a Captain this year, which is why he was our Captain of the Month for February.
Here are some guidelines as to how to properly name your bong.
Captain Polish offers his fatherly advice to graduating seniors. I’m pretty sure flushing your system before taking a drug test is one of those pieces of advice.
You know the finishers that wrestlers use in the ring? Well what if we used them in everyday life?
Komodo dragons were specifically designed to kill shit.
Lists
I officially gained a lot of enemies doing a Top 10 on movies and their sequels.
Captain Warbucks counts down the Top 5 pitchers from the Little League Baseball Championship Series for the NES. Better late then never.
I love being naked. So, I made a list this past summer of the Top 10 things to do naked.
Top story of the year was undoubtedly the vuvuzela. Here is 5 things to do with that goddamn vuvuzela.
Energy drinks are great, when drank at the appropriate time. Right before a colonoscopy is not one of those times.
Sharks will eat you up, no jokes. We scoured the globe to find 5 monsters that could eat a shark. We came up with some interesting results.
The world is going to end. It will most likely not be one of these ways.
Oct42010
Willkommen zu Oktoberfest
So it is finally October, which means 3 things. Some awesome TV, girls dressing up like slutty nurses, slutty police officers, and the always popular slutty clown and finally probably the greatest reason of all, Oktoberfest. Here at TCM we pretty much ditch everything else in life this month and drink beer till we become retarded. Since we already are pretty retarded, we just drink a lot of beer. But is drinking beer the only thing to do to celebrate Oktoberfest? I honestly don’t know, but here at TCM we are going to let you in on some things to do that doesn’t necessarily involve drinking beer but a majority of the time they do.
Go out and hook up with an Oktoberfest girl
Let me put it this way, a majority of people that are at Oktoberfest are men. There is no doubt about that. The women who are there are probably with another man, a group of her girlfriends or work for a beer company and are paid to look hot and flirt with your fat ass so you’ll buy more beer. So let’s leave out the women who are with another man and the “beer girls” because lets be honest, you absolutely have no shot at them. You do have a shot at the girl in a group of girls, a small shot, but one nonetheless. To be safe let’s eliminate the hotter ones from the group because you aren’t getting them either. Sorry. They’d much rather eat local sausage than see what you’ve got packing underneath those lederhosen. This then leaves the absurdly drunk girl who is currently trying to make out with the keg and the overly fat girl who has drank more beer and ate more sausage in the past 15 minutes than you ever will in your entire life. You have no chance against the keg. Albeit, not many men do. So you are left with Chunkasaurus. What do you do? Unfortunately there are very little options if you truly want to hook up at Oktoberfest and aren’t the Mayor of Munich or Brad Pitt. It boils down to the two major options being, you can go with Beer McFats or your hand. Honestly if it was me, I’d try and make a threesome out of the absurdly drunk girl and the keg. Just watch for splinters.
Aug312010
The Greatest White Guy Fro Ever
I saw this cat at a Tom Petty concert and immediately thought of Captain Yar. Six years ago Yar rocked a fro that was not as intense as this one, but it was on the same level. I’ve been after Yar to bring back said fro, but to no avail. Oh well.
Anyhow, the fro this son-of-a-bitch rocked made my day when waiting in the beer line for $13 beers.
Aug202010
Greatest invention ever
This series shows us great inventions throughout mankind. Our last piece we showed you the Gamerator, an arcade system with a keg hook up. Simply brilliant.
Well somehow, it seems that beer has made it to the top of the list of greatest inventions again. This time we bring you the Beer Throwing Fridge.
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The only downfall of this device is that with each beer you drink, the Beer Throwing Fridge progressively becomes more dangerous. I can see it now, page 15 of the New York Times:
Man dies after being pummeled to death by own fridge
NEW YORK – At about 3pm yesterday, the victim Mike Honcho, purchased what is called the Beer Throwing Fridge. It is a fridge that will dispense and throw you a can of beer across the room. Eager to try it out, he plugged it in and loaded up his favorite brew. Not 100% sure on how to work the device, he began to push buttons on the remote included with the fridge. Little did he realize but he pushed the “reload party” button. This will rapidly disperse beer throughout the room if there are many people around. Unfortunately for Mike, he and his dog were the only ones around. His neighbors said they heard a lot of laughter, a lot of banging, yelling, a loud thud, some barking, then silence. The person who called 911 claimed that Mike was in a fight with an intruder. When the police arrived, they saw the beer dispensing fridge, which was empty, beer cans strewn across the apartment, Mike’s dog licking up beer and Mike laying unconscious on the floor. Mr. Honcho was declared dead at Mt. Sinai Hospital. He was survived by his dog, Pizza. No charges have been filed against the fridge.
Aug132010
Greatest invention ever
Well it has happened ladies and gentlemen. It was only a matter of time, but it happened.
The Gamerator.
Take a moment to study that photo. Looks like a normal arcade system correct? Well, it ain’t. If you will shift your eyes to the crotch area of the system, you will notice a beer tap. Yes, a beer tap. My question is why hasn’t anyone thought of this idea earlier. I mean, putting a keg inside a fully functioning arcade system? Amazing.
As well as the keg tap and video games, this piece of art comes with a 26″ flat panel HDTV, 2 conveniently-placed cup holders to house your beverage while playing, a trackball system and 2 joysticks for head to head drunken pissed off classic video game action. They also made this beast capable of hooking up to your PS3, 360, Wii, etc. as well as loading the machine up with Windows XP so you can “work from home” on those days where just going into work sucks. Which 60% of the time is always 100% of the time.
Oh, for those interested in the actual gaming part, here is a list of all the legitimate games:
TAITO Legends:
Space Invaders, Space Invaders II, Bubble Bobble, Elevator Action, Rastan, New Zealand Story, Plotting(aka Flipull), Jungle Hunt, Operation Wolf, Operation Thunderbolt, Rainbow Islands, Phoenix Colony 7, Electric YoYo, Zoo Keeper, Great Swordsman, Gladiator, Exisus, Plump Pop, Super Qix, Battle Shark, Continental, Circus, Volfied, Ninja Kids, Space Gun, ThunderFox, Tube It, Return of the Invaders, and Tokio.Konami Classics:
Castlevania, Castlevania II, Castlevania III, Contra, Super CMidway:
720 Degrees, Blaster Bubbles, Defender, Defender II, Gauntlet, Joust, Joust 2, Klax, Marble Madness, Paperboy, Rampage, Rampart, Road Blasters, Robotron: 2084, Root Beer Tapper, Satan’s Hollow, Sinistar, Smash TV, SPLAT!, Spy Hunter, Super Sprint, Toobin’, Vindicators.Midway Deluxe:
Mortak Kombat, Mortal Kombat II, Mortal Kombat III, Xybots, NARC, APB, Cyberball 2072, Timber, Total Carnage, Pit Fighter, Wizard of Wor, Xenophobe, Primal Rage, Arch Rivals, Rampage World Tour, Kozmik Krooz’r, Championship Sprint, Hard Drivin’, Wakco, Badlands, Hydro Thunder, Off Road Thunder: Mud, Sweat, ‘N’ Gears, Race Drivin’, San Francisco Rush the Rock: Alcatraz Edition, San Francisco Rush 2049, S.T.U.N. Runner, Super Off Road.
Not gonna lie, pretty stoked for a beer and Mortal Kombat combo.
Get yours today for a low low price of $3,499. Start saving those empties you drunks.
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