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Memos Tagged captain flintheart


Somewhat Historial Significance
Jul212011

Play Time’s Over…The Captains Are Back, Bitches

annnnnd we re back 19191215 Play Times Over...The Captains Are Back, Bitches

Yea…so it’s been awhile. The Captains have been busy during our absence. Captain Yar had a starring role in the sequel to everyone’s favorite NBC sitcom, the Office…the porn version. Captain Polish was in Pamplona running with the Bulls and I’ve been perfecting the formula for reanimating corpses with a mixture of AIDS and secret hobo spices. We’ve even relocated TCM headquarters on top of the remains where Castle Greyskull once stood. Pretty fucking nifty that our front door is now made out of the bones of Skeletor.

Keep your eyes and asses peeled, because we’re back son(s).


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Crazy, Stupid Stuff
Mar162011

An afternoon with Captain Flintheart

Captain Flintheart loves his music, movies, Star Wars, anything AIDs related, and of course his primary colors. What?

I spent some time during our hiatus hanging out with some of the Captain’s. We talked about life, the web site, sniffed a whole lot of paint, and took up some of each others hobbies. (Side note: the reason Captain Warbucks doesn’t post much any more because we were all shocked to learn that gay is his side hobby.)

On a blustery winter morning, I went over to Flintheart’s and he asked if I wanted to paint with him. Well, sure I said because painting is pretty cool. I’ve always had an appreciation for Bob Ross (you know, the guy on PBS with the huge fro), so I was down.

When we got his “studio” I was surprised to find the man had literally thousands of coloring books compiled and filed around the room based on the prevalence of the books primary colors. I was thrown, but what the fuck. The paint was kicking in so I went to work.

bobflintheart An afternoon with Captain Flintheart

Here’s the finished product. He was proud that he stayed within the lines so we were able to eat some cookies after this project was completed.

This whole experience explained a lot about our friend Captain Flintheart. I’m glad I walked a day in his shoes and learned of his passion for “painting.”


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Entertainment
Dec312009

Best of TCM 2009

Awww shit. 2009 was an excellent year for only 1 reason. Your favoritest website was born, The Captains Memos. It was a brutal labor and the birth mother unfortunately died, but what arose out of the steaming pile of mung was something that has put a permanent stain on all of your eyes.

We would like to showcase some of our best and worst moments throughout the past year. Enjoy boners.

Social Characters – The Douchebag
Ah, the good ol’ douchebag. Everyone loves to hate these beautiful specimens. Since the inception of the greatest show ever, Jersey Shore, they have become a sort of comedy troupe. Ok, let’s face it, we all wish the worst death upons these flaming cocksucking douchebags. Love ya!

Lady Gaga’s got a choad.
So Lady GaGa had quite an interesting story about her in 2009. Some claimed she was packing a penis under those gold pair of spandex pants. This particular post churned up some pretty fierce comments. Who knew Lady GaGa had such a loyal following? Anyways, it is a pretty awesome claim, and something that TCM just couldn’t past up sharing with you all. Hell, we even had a reason as to what her choad really was. Boy we are good.

The SI Swimsuit Rookies
Unbelievably hot women in scandalously clad swimsuits is a recipe for just plain awesome. This is a 3 part series which highlights the rookies of Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Issues. There is no clear winner, they would all receive the Calder Trophy in my book.

How to give a haduken
No, its not down, right, punch. It’s hand, ass, fart, face. This is widely used in the TCM offices. No one is safe from the power of the Haduken. Even you at home. FYI, I just Hadukened you all while reading this.

A Brief Sexual History Of Kelly Kapowski
Well, some of us here were fans of the show Saved by the Bell and others *cough* Flintheart *cough* are obsessed. If saved by the bell was real life, Flintheart would have a restraining order on him from Kelly Kapowski. She is hot though…or was…either way Flintheart would bang her if she was dead. All jokes aside though folks, bestiality is a serious issue.

Celebrities That Look Like Other Celebrities: Part 2
This part of the series was just astounding. That black guy from The Office bears a striking resemblance to the black trainer guy from Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. Don’t believe me? Click on that link above and apologize.

Top 10 3rd World Nations
We have brought you many Top 10′s and honestly we could do a Top 10 about our Top 10′s. But this one is personally my favorite…not because I wrote it, just because of the retarded premise. Read and thank god that you live where you live…unless you live in one of the names countries. Sorry.

Social Characters: the Out of Control Facebooker
Like Polish states in this post, some of you out there need to cool it with the Facebooking. Who gives a flying fuck that you have enough money to grow corn crops in your Farmville game. Don’t even get us started on the Mafia Wars. Just click the link above to see the rant…you will learn a thing or 2.

Jersey Shore: The True Hollywood Story
You know TCM couldn’t pass up writing a post about this great show. If TV had a hall of fame, this show would have been inducted already even though it has only had 4 episodes. Well read on, cause this explains what these stars do in real life away from douching it up at the Jersey Shore.

With great sideburns comes great responsibility
Ever been in a tragic situation? If you have, who is the first person you flock to. A man with a beard and sideburns. Facial hair in general comes great responsibility. Look at Santa Claus, that mother fucker is expected to deliver toys to all good boys and girls around the world in one night. Polish says that’s impossible but he also said it was impossible for the guy in 40 Year Old Virgin to get laid. Yea so, we are still hard at work in the TCM laboratory figuring this one out. Stay tuned.

Animals Specifically Designed to Kill Shit
I am in love with this series and I hope you all are too. I can’t narrow it down to one specific post, so here are all 3 in their bloody glory. Sharks, Bears & Dunkleosteus. My suggestion, don’t get caught one on one with one of these animals. They will eat you, shit you out then eat you again.

Beginner’s Guide to a Public Bathroom
This is one of our earlier posts by the recently departed Captain Kirk. For those who are terrified of taking shits in public, fear no more, Kirk has got your hairy, pimply ass covered. Shit away my friend, shit away.

There you have it pee holes, the best from 2009. If you have any other favorites not listed, let us know.
Stay tuned in 2010. Greater, dumber things will be coming your way.


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Stupid Stuff
Dec152009

Bear Sleeping Bag

This might be one of the coolest things ever:

sleepingbear07 Bear Sleeping Bag

Bear Sleeping Bags, who would’ve thunk it? Not this guy. Can you imagine going camping and seeing this? I’d shit myself and blame it on Captain Flintheart (word has it he has a knack for doing that).

It’s a bummer this is actually just a concept and not an actual product. Fear not though. Since you are reading about this on a website where all the writers claim to be Pirates, we’ll find some way to take this idea, make it happen, and make millions.

Yarr!


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If I had known then what I know now, Stupid Stuff
Oct262009

Massive-two-shits Random Laws

This past weekend I attended a bachelor party in lovely Boston, MA – the birthplace of liberty some say. (Other historians and nay-sayers will argue in favor of Philadelphia, but Captain Flintheart will tell you there is no such freedom in that city. I disgress, getting back to the story.)

I was rather stoked for this bachelor party being it’s for a buddy of mine I’ve knew since grade school. He moved to Connecticut for some reason and has been in isolation ever since. Regardless, I was excited for the weekend, but I was curious on the ironic choice of Boston for two reasons:

  1. a bachelor party is typically the “last hurrah” before the bachelor loses their freedom forever through marriage; and
  2. the very same Patriots that fought for our precious liberty out of Boston would be alarmed with some of the laws that now exist within the Commonwealth of Massive-two-shits.

The first irony I list is relatively easy to understand. Angry Bostonians created the stir that eventually led to the Revolutionary War and our subsequent freedom. A bachelor party signals the end of said freedom.

The second irony is due to all the ridiculous laws the Commonwealth has adopted that are pretty random. Want a list?

  • Out-of-state visitors that are younger than 25 years of age cannot purchase alcohol at events, i.e. concerts, baseball games, etc.
  • It is illegal to order a Lobster Tail a la carte at a restaurant.
  • Drinking out of pitchers is forbidden due to Commonwealth Law.
  • Bars and Restaurants cannot discount beverages to attract revelers, i.e. no Happy Hour

I’m sure there may be one or two random laws we came across or tried to break this past weekend that are not on the above list, but you get the point. These are some random laws which limits the freedoms of people who choogle in Boston.

Bartenders definitely infringed in my opinion as they ripped a pitcher out of my hands while I was about to take a swig. In addition, not being able to order a Lobster on the side with a side of mashed potatoes is horse shit. I was victim to the “less than 25″ rule a few years back at a Pearl Jam show. And for the life of me, I can’t figure out the bit with no happy hours. I’m appalled.

Well, not all is lost. On the way home, I witnessed one of the greatest scenes ever:

Quinns Bachelor Party 102509 019 Massive two shits Random Laws

Yes. That is a woman filling up her gas tank from the wrong side because she just wanted to make “it work.” It didn’t. It was rather humorous and made me less angry about the random laws that exist in the Commonwealth of MA.

Word to the wise, consult a lawyer before traveling to this Commonwealth. On a side note, why the hell is a Commonwealth and what does that mean?


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Photo of the Day, Sports
Oct212009

Caption This!

image001 Caption This!

This is by far the strongest 100 year old I know. Word has it she kicked Captain Flintheart’s ass in hoops too.


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Fitness, Random
Sep292009

Let’s Go Hiking!

I went hiking this past weekend. I don’t know why, but I started this a few years ago and it’s addicting. I typically climb high peaks and marvel at the awesome landscape and what not. Yeah, it sounds rather corny, but try it yourself. You might like it.

So after getting up at the crack ass of dawn, picking up Captain Flintheart, Steveo, and Fez, we headed for the hills. The first hour or so was uneventful. You know the drill: walking up a fucking steep hill, sweating your ass off, and hating life. Then it happened. We met some people.

The first group was from St. Lawrence University. Two guys were hiking together and we mistook them for lovers because they both sported high socks until we found out they were with four women who were wearing spandex (one of four was good looking). These folks informed it was “peak week” and that we will probably see more people from their college on the trails. Fine. OK. Whatever.

We continued our trek until we came to this giant wall that is straight out of the Old Testament:

whiteface1 Lets Go Hiking!

It took a bit to figure out how to tackle this, but after watching several Canadians attempt it and fail, we eventually we figured it out and on we went. The Canadians by the way spoke English and French intermittently which was intense.

Twenty minutes later we reached the top of this mountain and it was crowded with hikers who we talked with along the way and other people who actually drove up the mountain! Who does that! Well, the only good thing about these people that drove up was that they looked crazy as shit.

Exhibit A – Random Indian Family Giving me the Death Stare:

whiteface2 Lets Go Hiking!

Exhibit B – Random Guy with Man Fro Pony Tail and Matching Jorts

whiteface3 Lets Go Hiking!

As I took all of this in (the crazy people, not the mountainous landscapes), I started questioning which was better: all the random people I came across or the actual views from the top? I can’t decide anymore. Good scenery is always nice, but it’s not everyday I have the chance to see crazy people.

Well, here’s a pic of Lake Placid. You decide which is better.

whiteface4 Lets Go Hiking!

It was still a pretty phenomenal day regardless. The walk down was smooth and uneventful, food at A&W’s was amazing, and the Nightmare River Band rocked the Lark Tavern at night. That’s a quality fall Saturday.

Side note: The gentleman with the hat on in both pics above is Captain Flintheart (we needed a diversion to grab these photos without looking too crazy). The Captain’s will more than likely begin popping up into posts here and there. Look for this and many more new random things to come as the Meeting of the Minds nears!


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Captain of the Month
Sep92009

Captain of the Month – September 2009

“But Captain Jack will get you high tonight,
And take you to your special island.
Captain Jack will get you by tonight.
Just a little push, and you’ll be smilin”

Lyrics by one of the greatest, born and raised in NY, Mr. Billy Joel. If there was anything he could do better than mix lyrics into a great song – it was mix Captain Jack into the lyrics. And the only thing he could do better than that?… well just drink Jack and plow his car threw the neighbors fence and garden. So which Jack is he singing about? Jack Daniels? Jack Sparrow? A mysterious Jack who he met on one of his many drunken missions? Maybe his favorite Jack in the box on the corner of his block? Only Billy knows for sure. But what TCM knows is it’s the exact type of Jack we’re going to highlight this month! The one drink every man can’t live without! Jack

jack daniels pajama pants JD 0059 Captain of the Month September 2009
(Captain Yar’s PJ’s – sent in from Cadet Hot Dog)

Jack Daniels: No one knows the true story of a young Jack. Folk Lore says he ran away from home when he was but 4 years old, living off the carnival life well into his teenage years. Tribal stories whisper of a promiscuous past, where he lived in a brothel, serving the whores in whatever they required (Or was that Captain Flintheart?). And the bible teaches us to stay away from anything by the name of Daniel, as it means a form of judgement. In all likelihood, Jack is a mixture of all these things of a forgotten past – as the stories from the brew Jack eventually created would become everyone’s. Well, until morning, when 4 aspirin can barely cure the headache that would ensue from a night after polishing a bottle of some of the finest, and it is later to be found out the black eye was caused by your wife.

The liquor has touched us all. None more though, than our very own Captain Polish who is quoted as saying, “I didn’t have a hair on my body until a night with Jack. Now look at me! I should have stuck with Smirnoff.”

alf l Captain of the Month September 2009
(Captain Polish – Post Jack Daniels)

BONUS FEATURE! Captain Jack – the band!
A Captain Flintheart favorite. Enjoy!

GreatestHitsCaptainJack Captain of the Month September 2009



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