The new and improved version of a classic hilarious video.
The new and improved version of a classic hilarious video.
At the Movies. Today’s film is a delightful chapter from the saga of Nick Cage. Only a man as bountiful as this could endorse bears in such a way. Breath taking.
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This is more of a personal experience than a TCM one. I figured I would share it with the world…cause you know everyone worldwide checks this site out.
I guess you can trace the experience back to the beginning with my love of pirates. I’m sure all of you know about Santa Claus coming around your neighborhood on the local fire engine throwing out candy canes or hosing everyone down with eggnog.
It began like any other night. I just downed a 12er of Ecto-Cooler and was trying to catch my dog and put it in the ghost trap when in the distance I heard the distinctive sound of fire engines. I knew it was Santa coming around spreading his holiday cheer all over everybody. Without hesitation I ran out the front door waiting impatiently for the fat man to come around. A few minutes passed by but I could still hear the sirens coming closer and closer. A few more minutes passed by and the Ecto-Cooler was beginning to wear off. Then just as I was about to go back inside thinking it wasn’t our night, turning down the street was Santa and his fire engine. I was quite excited seeing this, and pooped my pants. I mean what kid doesn’t want to meet Santa, even if you are Jewish, Muslim or Retarded.
As I looked down the block watching the truck coming down, I noticed it was going quite fast to be handing out goodies, something didn’t look right. The truck kept getting closer at a high rate of speed. As it neared I noticed that Santa had been tied up and gagged and the truck was hijacked by a band of pirates! It was an amazing spectacle. They sped by waving their swords shouting and babbling chicken. I first knew they were pirates because they replaced the American flag that was on the truck with a good ol’ jolly roger (see header image on this site). You could immediately point out the pirate captain because he was standing on Santa like Captain Morgan with sword raised in victory. I suppose he had a little Captain in him (awkward laugh to self).
Before I could even say or think anything, they were gone. In amazement, I immediately went into the house, walked over to my parents liquor cabinet, pulled out the rum, broke the top off with my teeth and began to drink. I was a 10 year old badass. That my friends, is why I am an abusive alcoholic.
That was word for word, my first talk at my first AA meeting.
Here at TCM, we like to dabble with history books. So today we had a discussion about how General Tso’s chicken came to fruition. We all came up with a solution. This my friends, is the story of General Tso.
You see, General Tso, or Genny T as I like to call him was what us Americans call today as a chicken farmer. He as a matter of fact was the man who invented fried chicken nuggets. Not what you all think, like from McDonalds or a certain Colonel from down south; No. From what I speculate, Genny T was out in his coop with his chickens, doing his chicken business, when he was approached by 3 samurai soldiers looking for a mean chicken dish. Of course Genny T could assist them; he was a friggen chicken farmer for god sakes. Anyways, the only stipulation that the soldiers needed was that the chicken be done within 5 minutes, or they would start lopping off body parts from Genny T. *On a side note, his official name at this time was not General, it was Private, but to keep the story somewhat sane, I will keep to calling him Genny T.
Anyhoo, as you have all seen I’m sure on the Discovery Channel, is that Chinese people enjoy the taste of hot oil. At this time, they did not know to cook with it, but only to eat it. So, like any ‘ol Chinese person, Genny T had a dish of boiling hot oil to sip on while working amongst his chickens. Since he knew it would take 15-20 minutes to cook the chicken via grill, he decided he would step into unknown territory. So, Genny T approached the 3 soldiers and asked them to pick out a chicken and that they did. What the soldiers would witness next would shock and sicken them simultaneously. Genny T took their chicken, chopped the head off, de-feathered him in record time and shoved the chicken into his boiling oil. Approximately 3 minutes and 42 seconds later, the world had its first fried chicken. Shocked, the second samurai whose name we all know today as Egg Foo Young threw up all over the fried chicken. The other 2 soldiers, were pissed and made Genny T eat this new fried, thrown up on chicken. But mind you, all the Chinese ate was hot oil…so; this mixed with stomach acids creates a spicy yet sweet goo sauce. Genny T was reluctant to try his new creation, but knew his life depended on it. He took his first bite and was absolutely amazed at how good it tasted. He urged that the 3 soldiers try his dish. They did, and were also amazed at how well it was too. Because of how good this new food was, the 3 soldiers promoted Genny T to General, and passed the good word around China and soon, the world would know this gooey fried sensation as General Tso’s Chicken. Thank you and good night.
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What the fuck happened to Ecto Cooler!?
You know that green colored, orange flavored drink of amazingness? Yea, what happened? Well apparently the whores over at Hi-C decided to take Slimer off of the package an replace it with a pair of green juice lips. SOURCE.
I remember going to the supermarket with my mom and covertly slipping the cooler into the shopping cart only for her to discover it at the checkout line. Too late to put it back, so she has to buy it. Big mistake on her part. I would go home and dress up in my Ghostbuster get-up and drink the whole friggen 12 pack in one sitting. After that much cooler gets ingested by a 10 year old, shit is about the go off. Ghosts would then be real, and I’d be chasing them all over the house.
Imagine being the parent sitting there watching your kid go absolutely ape shit over trying to catch your dog thinking it was a ghost. Believe me kid, that dog ain’t gonna fit into the trap. Its been attempted before.
You always wondered as a youngan, how was the drink green and it tasted orange? Well simple answer really. Food dye, dumbass. But you can’t really blame the youth for wondering. Hell, it could have been Slimer jizz for all we cared about, and we still would have drank that shit.
What does today’s youth have to drink? Granted Hawaiian Punch and Kool-Aid are still in business, but they do not have anything nearly as cool or as exciting as Ecto-Cooler. I say all of us who remember and loved this drink of greatness, get on our horses, and write to Mr. Hi-C and demand they bring back Slimer.
You will also notice that Ecto-Cooler is never mentioned as a juice. It was DRINK. I could quote Mr. Chappelle here, but some of you might be offended, so I’ll leave it up to you to “Insert Quote Here”.
Just listen to the music in this video, it is fantastic!
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O yea, and it looks like kids are coming out of a huge penis.
How crazy would it be if mascots were real. Like they were another living species.
Imagine this, you are driving down the street going the the store, and you see on the side of the road someone dressed up as an oversized koala bear holding a sign that says, “Will act like a lunatic for sex”. Now, if we were in the real world you would laugh seeing that on the side of the road. But do you laugh at homeless people on the side of the road begging for food, liquor, work, etc.? Most likely yes. But in this world I speak of, mascots are real living beings. When you are in the deli, there is a huge baseball in front of you ordering a chicken bacon sandwich. At the bar, you see an oversized duck picking up women, and he’s pretty good at it too might I add. But the next question you ask is how do the mascots communicate in this “fantasy world” I speak of. You don’t hear them speaking when you see them in Disney World or at a sports game. I’ll tell you how. Intimidation.
Lets jump to another place in time. You are working in a convenience store late at night, and 2 mascots come walking in the door both wearing ski masks. One looks like Mickey Mouse and the other looks like this guy. Mickey pulls out a t-shirt gun and aims it at your head pointing to the cash register. While the other starts gathering all the candy, soda and red bulls you have in stock. What would you do? Well if it were me, I would give that damn mouse all the money. Have you ever seen one of those t-shirt guns go off? They can easily take off a head. Mickey sees a camera and shoots the t-shirt gun at it completely destroying it. You beg for your life. Lucky for you all they wanted was money, sweets and caffeine. They take what they want and leave. You are shaken up, a little dazed but alive. Do you call the police? Do you call a psychologist? A hooker? That my friends is totally up to you. All I’m saying is that the world would be a fucking scary place if mascots were real living beings.
So the next time you visit an amusement park or sporting event, be weary of those damn mascots because you truly do not know who or what is under that giant hot dog costume.