Viking funerals…These were very momentousness events that are still to some degree carried out in present time. For those who don’t know what happened at a Viking funeral, I will tell you what they did not do:

• There were no funeral homes and scheduled times to see the deceased;
• Absurd bouquets of flowers were not ordered and placed around the coffin;
• They did not gather in a church wearing all black;
• They did not bury their dead in the ground in front a tombstone with an awesome epitaph;
• Widowed women did not wear black veils over their faces for mourning.

So now that you have an idea of what they did not do, I will explain to those who do not know, what they did do. Brace yourself folks, this becomes quite intense.

Ok, so the Viking king or chieftain dies suddenly from an ecstasy overdose at a techno concert. Since that is a pretty weakass death, everyone is told that he died triumphantly battling off a horde of rebels trying to overtake the village and do to the Vikings what they had done to them. A very tragic day in the Viking village indeed. Since it is bad karma to be buried in the same clothes you died in, the king is temporarily buried so new clothes can be sewn for him. This takes roughly ten days or so. Here is an idea of what his new getup to the after life looks like. Ok, that sounds fairly normal in terms of funeral rituals, no?.

After he is put into his new digs, he is given beer, some bananas and a Les Paul guitar. Needless to say you don’t need much more than that to rock your goddamn ass off in the afterlife. But that is not enough to give your king. He is given all of his weapons, which I’m sure most certainly included a battle axe and a war hammer, and other offerings from people around the village. To top off this death cake of awesomeness, 2 horses are “run sweaty” then captured, cut into pieces and thrown into the floating grave. O yea, a hen and cock are sacrificed as well. Think of them as the icing on this floating, burning cake of death. Now this funeral has become semi-awesome yet semi-weird.

Now this is where it begins to get quite intense. You see, the king throughout his life had thralls or women slaves. I mean, who doesn’t have those? Well, one of those lucky ladies gets to join the king to the afterlife, that’s right folks, human sacrifice. Apparently back then, it was a cool thing to die with your already dead master. I don’t know about you, but if I was one of those women, I would be hiding behind a tree or something when the time came to ask who wants to die along with their master.

One would think it would be a simple pray to your master and get sacrificed bit, but oh no, have you forgot? We are dealing with the Vikings. They take something as simple as human sacrifice and turn it into a whole new ballgame. So there is this old lady called the “Angel of Death”–which I might say ranks amongst some of the best nicknames ever–who is the referee of the entire funeral ritual. She is responsible for setting the beds for the king and his thrall as well as the one who does the sacrificing. Now begins the deadly sexual adventure to death for the king’s thrall.

For the story’s sake, let’s call this thrall Carol. In each tent set up for the funeral awaits a Viking. What is this Viking waiting for you ask? He is waiting for his turn to sex up Carol. Yes folks, Carol is going to do every man in the village before she is sacrificed. What really makes this hilarious is that each man Carol has sex with says to her, “tell your master that I did this because of my love to him”. And apparently that makes it ok. Gentlemen, next time you cheat on your wife/girlfriend/whoever or have sex with a women who is cheating on their husband, throw this line out there and see what response you get. Could be good, could be bad, but you used it nevertheless.

Anyways, continuing on… After Carol has sex with all the men, 3 men then pick her up above some sort of door frame where this allows her to see into the realm of the dead. She is supposed to see her family, friends and then the coup de grâce, her master. To me, this is a bunch of bullshit. I’ve just recently tried this and only succeeded putting my head through the ceiling. Well, after this bizarre doing they give Carol a bunch of intoxicating drinks filled with all sorts of goodies. She willingly drinks them and goes into a psychic trance.

After this, Carol is taken to the ship that will soon become a ship on fire. She removes all her jewelry and hands them out. A tent is raised on the boat where 6 men and the “Angel of Death” await. A gang of men outside the tent start to beat the beginning drum solo of Hot For Teacher on their shields to cover up the screams about to come from the tent. Upon entering the tent, Carol is gangbanged…yes, gangbanged by the 6 men. After that brutal sex scene she is tied down to a table where a rope is tied around her neck. Enter “The Angel of Death”. The Angel takes a knife and stabs Carol thus ending her. Carol is then placed next to her master where they both lay dead. Everyone gets off the boat and sets that shit on fire to the epic tune of The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald by Gordon Lightfoot. Then everyone watches as the boat burns it’s way to Davey Jones’ locker.

So there you have it people, the most intense funeral you will ever lay your eyes on…well minus an Irish funeral.

Note to self: Be sure to find a time machine, travel back in time and take part in the ending gang bang.