Memos Tagged ‘Death’


Sep12010

5 ways we think the world is going to end.

December 12, 2012 is a date that has people scratching your heads. According to ancient Mayan calendars, that is the end of the world as we know it. (Cut it out R.E.M.) Who the bloody hell knows what is going to happen when that date comes around. Will people all over the world go bonkers thinking, “Oh my God, the world is going to end!?” Maybe. Just maybe.

2012 5 ways we think the world is going to end.

The only true person who knows what happens on that day is John Cusack. As we have seen in the film, 2012, he gets into several near death experiences while the world is ending but somehow miraculously escapes them all and as we’ve seen in Hot Tub Time Machine, he can travel through time. So what better person to ask than John Cusack himself. After several attempts to call, one black eye from his security guard and a restraining order against TCM we are unable to truly find out what will happen. So, we will turn to the next best thing; figuring this shit out for ourselves.

We sat down one Sunday afternoon over some tea and biscuits and had a very intellectual conversation about how we think the world will end in 2012. It was surprising enough with what we came up with even though no one walked away with any broken bones as that’s usually what happens during one of our “discussions”. So sit back, grab a bag of beer and a can of chips and ponder how your semi-awesome life will end. Hell, who knows one of these could actually be the Earth’s fate.

Read More »




Aug242010

Animals that are specifically designed to kill shit

I bring you all back to one of my favorite running series on TCM. We have looked at Sharks, Bears and the shit pants scary Dunkleosteus. We are going to bring you back onto land and highlight the deadly and straight out savage, Komodo Dragon.

komodo Animals that are specifically designed to kill shit

The Komodo Dragon for starters, was named after the island it is found on; Komodo Island. This officially makes the dragon in the running for one of the most uncreative names ever given to an animal. Good for you Komodo. Good for you.

Black people will be happy to know that the Komodo Dragon can grow up to 10 feet in length. Which just so happens to be the same height as a regulation basketball hoop. So white guys, yea, you’re pretty much fucked.

It is also unfortunate to us humans that the dragon can swim, run and climb trees surprisingly well. So next time you are on the island of Komodo, if it’s sunny and all of a sudden it becomes eerily dark. Don’t look up. I highly doubt the last thing you want to see before you die is a 10 foot lizards wang falling directly towards your face.

Read More »




Aug202010

Greatest invention ever

This series shows us great inventions throughout mankind. Our last piece we showed you the Gamerator, an arcade system with a keg hook up. Simply brilliant.

Well somehow, it seems that beer has made it to the top of the list of greatest inventions again. This time we bring you the Beer Throwing Fridge.

beerfridge Greatest invention ever

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

The only downfall of this device is that with each beer you drink, the Beer Throwing Fridge progressively becomes more dangerous. I can see it now, page 15 of the New York Times:

Man dies after being pummeled to death by own fridge
NEW YORK – At about 3pm yesterday, the victim Mike Honcho, purchased what is called the Beer Throwing Fridge. It is a fridge that will dispense and throw you a can of beer across the room. Eager to try it out, he plugged it in and loaded up his favorite brew. Not 100% sure on how to work the device, he began to push buttons on the remote included with the fridge. Little did he realize but he pushed the “reload party” button. This will rapidly disperse beer throughout the room if there are many people around. Unfortunately for Mike, he and his dog were the only ones around. His neighbors said they heard a lot of laughter, a lot of banging, yelling, a loud thud, some barking, then silence. The person who called 911 claimed that Mike was in a fight with an intruder. When the police arrived, they saw the beer dispensing fridge, which was empty, beer cans strewn across the apartment, Mike’s dog licking up beer and Mike laying unconscious on the floor. Mr. Honcho was declared dead at Mt. Sinai Hospital. He was survived by his dog, Pizza. No charges have been filed against the fridge.




Aug52010

7 Inappropriate Times to Drink an Energy Drink

Captain Polish pretty much lives off of Monster Energy Drinks. So much that we recently had an intervention to help him cease and desist drinking them. The tipping point was one sunny afternoon, he was waiting at a stop light when an old lady walked up next to him. Polish noticed a huge puddle right in front of them so to be polite he offered to help her over the puddle. The old lady denied his request, so what did Polish do? He opened up a can of his Monster Energy “BFC” (Google it), chugged it then picked the old lady up and threw her over the puddle. Now I’m not talking about a gingerly little toss here. Polish literally threw her 4 city blocks. So needless to say, the Police were called arrived on scene and apprehended Polish but not after he Polish Smashed 3 of their police cars. This then causing the intervention thus inspiring me to write this post.

crunkjuice 7 Inappropriate Times to Drink an Energy Drink

#7 – After an old lady denies your assistance
So you read above, the old lady denying you doesn’t mean that she doesn’t think you are capable of assisting her she just thinks that she can handle it herself. Next time this situation arises, you show her the energy drink you are about to chug letting her know you are about to do some work on her. If she looks at you and laughs, calling you a pussy, you have the right, by law, to chug that energy drink and demolish her existence. If she simply says “No thank you sonny”, then it would be inappropriate for you to demolish her existence. Think before you chug.

Read More »




Jul92010

Random Thoughts of the Day

Why is every assassin known by three names? Need examples: John Wilkes Booth, James Earl Ray, Lee Harvey Oswalt, and Mark David Chapman. It’s fairly safe to say that if you have associates that go by three names, you better keep your distance.

lincolnshooting Random Thoughts of the Day

While we’re on this topic, check out this Poetry Collage of the Lincoln Assassination. It’s not typically something we’d promote (the Captain’s are anti-assassination – we prefer duels with sabers and pistols), but it’s cool as shit so it’s worth the shout.

Thanks to Christian for sending us the collage.




Jul52010

R.I.P. Bob Probert

It’s a sad day for hockey fans. One of the greatest fighters ever to grace the ice has died. No need to get into details, but here is a video of him doing what he did best.

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

God save you if you were on the receiving end of Mr. Probert’s fist.




Jun32010

R.I.P, Is She Filthy Blog

A sad day for sure. One of the Captains favorite websites, Is She Filthy was deleted by Google yesterday without warning. I know, I know with the aid of alcohol will get through this ordeal. You may be asking yourself, ”What the hell am I gonna do with all these amazing blackmail pictures I have of my super slutty ex-girlfriend?”. Well TCM, does not disappoint. Grab those pictures and email them off to thecaptain@thecaptainsmemos.com or the next best thing, Match My Muff.

Ah yes, the sweet, sweet internet. Helping creepers since 1996.

Update 6/11/10 – Is She Filthy is back online.




Mar82010

Unfortunately, the debate is officially over.

After many theories here at TCM as to how the dinosaurs became extinct, scientists around the globe have come to a conclusion. Unfortunately the dinosaurs weren’t wiped out by John Hammond, the Nazi’s, battling each other to the death or beastman aids. We are saddened to say, they were killed by an asteroid. Plain and simple.

dinos Unfortunately, the debate is officially over.

So after many years of fist fights, make-ups and occasional Oreo lick off challenges scientists have come to the conclusion and agreement that dinosaurs, the most excellent creatures ever, were killed off by a huge space rock. How big of a rock was this rock you ask? Well, the crater it made somewhere down in Mexico is 9 miles wide. That’s a big ass rock. Fortunately for the dinosaurs, crackheads weren’t invented yet.

Upon striking the earth, this asteroid “triggered large-scale fires, earthquakes measuring more than 10 on the Richter scale, and continental landslides, which created tsunamis”. Sounds like 2012! O boy, do we have something to look forward too.

This begs the question, what happens if the asteroid didn’t hit the earth? Humans probably wouldn’t have evolved to be the dominant species or evolved at all. I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs would still be in control. If you are wondering what that would have been like, look no further:

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

Was it me, or were the Sinclair’s depicted to be a black family? Kind of like a dinosaur version of Good Times.



Pages: 1 2 3 4 Next