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Memos Tagged Death


Feb42011

R.I.P. White Stripes

The+White+Stripes+in+Blitz R.I.P. White Stripes

Workaholic, Jack White disbanded his flagship group, the White Stripes. Unfortunately, this seems to have been in the cards for awhile do to their self imposing limits of only having two bands members and minimal overdubbing (along with no more than three instruments appearing per song). Simply put the band ran it’s course.

My biggest disappointment is not getting to see them live. I had tickets to see them on their Canadian tour that became the album, Under The Great Northern Lights in the Summer of 2007 but had to have an emergency appendectomy on the 4th of July.  However, I have been fortunate enough to see his other band, The Raconteurs play twice and Jack White proved himself as being one of the only true “guitar heroes” of our generation and by far the most violent guitarist I’ve ever seen.

The good news is we can likely look forward to yet another band formed by White full of band members that look just like him.

white1 R.I.P. White Stripes

The bad news is we probably won’t ever get to see Meg White’s big old titties flopping around the drum kit like a fish out of water ever again.

meg white nip slip R.I.P. White Stripes



Sep12010

5 ways we think the world is going to end.

December 12, 2012 is a date that has people scratching your heads. According to ancient Mayan calendars, that is the end of the world as we know it. (Cut it out R.E.M.) Who the bloody hell knows what is going to happen when that date comes around. Will people all over the world go bonkers thinking, “Oh my God, the world is going to end!?” Maybe. Just maybe.

2012 5 ways we think the world is going to end.

The only true person who knows what happens on that day is John Cusack. As we have seen in the film, 2012, he gets into several near death experiences while the world is ending but somehow miraculously escapes them all and as we’ve seen in Hot Tub Time Machine, he can travel through time. So what better person to ask than John Cusack himself. After several attempts to call, one black eye from his security guard and a restraining order against TCM we are unable to truly find out what will happen. So, we will turn to the next best thing; figuring this shit out for ourselves.

We sat down one Sunday afternoon over some tea and biscuits and had a very intellectual conversation about how we think the world will end in 2012. It was surprising enough with what we came up with even though no one walked away with any broken bones as that’s usually what happens during one of our “discussions”. So sit back, grab a bag of beer and a can of chips and ponder how your semi-awesome life will end. Hell, who knows one of these could actually be the Earth’s fate.

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Aug242010

Animals that are specifically designed to kill shit

I bring you all back to one of my favorite running series on TCM. We have looked at Sharks, Bears and the shit pants scary Dunkleosteus. We are going to bring you back onto land and highlight the deadly and straight out savage, Komodo Dragon.

komodo Animals that are specifically designed to kill shit

The Komodo Dragon for starters, was named after the island it is found on; Komodo Island. This officially makes the dragon in the running for one of the most uncreative names ever given to an animal. Good for you Komodo. Good for you.

Black people will be happy to know that the Komodo Dragon can grow up to 10 feet in length. Which just so happens to be the same height as a regulation basketball hoop. So white guys, yea, you’re pretty much fucked.

It is also unfortunate to us humans that the dragon can swim, run and climb trees surprisingly well. So next time you are on the island of Komodo, if it’s sunny and all of a sudden it becomes eerily dark. Don’t look up. I highly doubt the last thing you want to see before you die is a 10 foot lizards wang falling directly towards your face.

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Aug202010

Greatest invention ever

This series shows us great inventions throughout mankind. Our last piece we showed you the Gamerator, an arcade system with a keg hook up. Simply brilliant.

Well somehow, it seems that beer has made it to the top of the list of greatest inventions again. This time we bring you the Beer Throwing Fridge.

beerfridge Greatest invention ever

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The only downfall of this device is that with each beer you drink, the Beer Throwing Fridge progressively becomes more dangerous. I can see it now, page 15 of the New York Times:

Man dies after being pummeled to death by own fridge
NEW YORK – At about 3pm yesterday, the victim Mike Honcho, purchased what is called the Beer Throwing Fridge. It is a fridge that will dispense and throw you a can of beer across the room. Eager to try it out, he plugged it in and loaded up his favorite brew. Not 100% sure on how to work the device, he began to push buttons on the remote included with the fridge. Little did he realize but he pushed the “reload party” button. This will rapidly disperse beer throughout the room if there are many people around. Unfortunately for Mike, he and his dog were the only ones around. His neighbors said they heard a lot of laughter, a lot of banging, yelling, a loud thud, some barking, then silence. The person who called 911 claimed that Mike was in a fight with an intruder. When the police arrived, they saw the beer dispensing fridge, which was empty, beer cans strewn across the apartment, Mike’s dog licking up beer and Mike laying unconscious on the floor. Mr. Honcho was declared dead at Mt. Sinai Hospital. He was survived by his dog, Pizza. No charges have been filed against the fridge.


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Aug52010

7 Inappropriate Times to Drink an Energy Drink

Captain Polish pretty much lives off of Monster Energy Drinks. So much that we recently had an intervention to help him cease and desist drinking them. The tipping point was one sunny afternoon, he was waiting at a stop light when an old lady walked up next to him. Polish noticed a huge puddle right in front of them so to be polite he offered to help her over the puddle. The old lady denied his request, so what did Polish do? He opened up a can of his Monster Energy “BFC” (Google it), chugged it then picked the old lady up and threw her over the puddle. Now I’m not talking about a gingerly little toss here. Polish literally threw her 4 city blocks. So needless to say, the Police were called arrived on scene and apprehended Polish but not after he Polish Smashed 3 of their police cars. This then causing the intervention thus inspiring me to write this post.

crunkjuice 7 Inappropriate Times to Drink an Energy Drink

#7 – After an old lady denies your assistance
So you read above, the old lady denying you doesn’t mean that she doesn’t think you are capable of assisting her she just thinks that she can handle it herself. Next time this situation arises, you show her the energy drink you are about to chug letting her know you are about to do some work on her. If she looks at you and laughs, calling you a pussy, you have the right, by law, to chug that energy drink and demolish her existence. If she simply says “No thank you sonny”, then it would be inappropriate for you to demolish her existence. Think before you chug.

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Jul92010

Random Thoughts of the Day

Why is every assassin known by three names? Need examples: John Wilkes Booth, James Earl Ray, Lee Harvey Oswalt, and Mark David Chapman. It’s fairly safe to say that if you have associates that go by three names, you better keep your distance.

lincolnshooting Random Thoughts of the Day

While we’re on this topic, check out this Poetry Collage of the Lincoln Assassination. It’s not typically something we’d promote (the Captain’s are anti-assassination – we prefer duels with sabers and pistols), but it’s cool as shit so it’s worth the shout.

Thanks to Christian for sending us the collage.



Jul52010

R.I.P. Bob Probert

It’s a sad day for hockey fans. One of the greatest fighters ever to grace the ice has died. No need to get into details, but here is a video of him doing what he did best.

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God save you if you were on the receiving end of Mr. Probert’s fist.



Jun32010

R.I.P., Is She Filthy Blog

A sad day for sure. One of the Captains favorite websites, Is She Filthy was deleted by Google yesterday without warning. I know, I know with the aid of alcohol will get through this ordeal. You may be asking yourself, ”What the hell am I gonna do with all these amazing blackmail pictures I have of my super slutty ex-girlfriend?”. Well TCM, does not disappoint. Grab those pictures and email them off to thecaptain@thecaptainsmemos.com or the next best thing, Match My Muff.

Ah yes, the sweet, sweet internet. Helping creepers since 1996.

Update 9/28/10 – Unfortunately Is She Filthy was taken down again, but this might cure your hunger.


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