What if the raptors in Jurassic Park could speak? What would they say? Would they have an English dialect? Would they speak in Arabic? Would you be able to try and reason with them so that they wouldn’t rip open your stomach and eat your insides? I don’t know…I just don’t. But fortunately for YouTube, we can now have an idea of what exactly the raptors would sound like.
Take a peek.
After many theories here at TCM as to how the dinosaurs became extinct, scientists around the globe have come to a conclusion. Unfortunately the dinosaurs weren’t wiped out by John Hammond, the Nazi’s, battling each other to the death or beastman aids. We are saddened to say, they were killed by an asteroid. Plain and simple.
So after many years of fist fights, make-ups and occasional Oreo lick off challenges scientists have come to the conclusion and agreement that dinosaurs, the most excellent creatures ever, were killed off by a huge space rock. How big of a rock was this rock you ask? Well, the crater it made somewhere down in Mexico is 9 miles wide. That’s a big ass rock. Fortunately for the dinosaurs, crackheads weren’t invented yet.
Upon striking the earth, this asteroid “triggered large-scale fires, earthquakes measuring more than 10 on the Richter scale, and continental landslides, which created tsunamis”. Sounds like 2012! O boy, do we have something to look forward too.
This begs the question, what happens if the asteroid didn’t hit the earth? Humans probably wouldn’t have evolved to be the dominant species or evolved at all. I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs would still be in control. If you are wondering what that would have been like, look no further:
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Was it me, or were the Sinclair’s depicted to be a black family? Kind of like a dinosaur version of Good Times.
Picture Street Fighter but with dinosaurs. Ok, maybe not as cool as that but it is a fighting game with dinosaurs nonetheless. You have a choice of several types of lizards to duke it out with. You can play as either a male or female Majungatholus (Named by Wayne Campbell), the King of Jurassic Park Mr. T-Rex, the always horny Triceratops, the oddly shaped Stegosaurus and the polygamous one of the bunch, the Utahraptor.
Battle your way to dino supremacy. But always remember the 1st rule of Jurassic Fight Club: You DO NOT talk about Jurassic Fight Club or the Majungatholus will bite your dick off.
The paper bag…It has so many uses. It can be used for carrying groceries, making yourself into a robot by putting a bag on each appendage or, what we will be discussing today, making someone who is ugly not ugly anymore.
This idea of putting a paper bag over someones head to hide their fugliness has dated back to ancient Mayan times. As you see in the photo to the left, it wasn’t quite a paper bag, but they had the idea. Fat ugly chicks have always needed loving and the Ancient Mayans were certainly no exception. To make it more “enjoyable” if you would, they used burlap sacks with crazy patterns and colors–whichever floated their boat–to get shit done.
The best part about using the paper bag is that you can make that person look like anyone you wish. If you are a simple person, you can just give the bag 2 dot eyes and a big smile. If you like surprises, you can make the facial expression of the bag look surprised like, “O my god…I thought you were a woman!” type of face, but since you are the one drawing the face, that must turn you on. If you are a sadist, then your bag might look something along the lines of this:
However you draw your bag you should ask your ugly ass partner if its ok that you use this bag. I will tell you, not everyone is willing to put that bag over their heads. If they are unwilling, them offer them the option to draw the face that will go on the bag. If they accept, be sure to carefully watch what they are drawing. If it is their own face they are drawing, then that totally defeats the purpose of the bag. However, if it is something like a dinosaur, then you must sit back and say to yourself, “Alright, I’m gonna be screwing a dinosaur!”. Now, don’t be too fast to accept this drawing, you must think of the repercussions that could be. All depending on what dinosaur he/she is drawing is something that must be looked at. In no way, shape or form should the dinosaur resemble any from the Jurassic Park trilogy. This is because how are you going to look at those movies the same way again after you technically had sex with one of the dinosaurs? Also, the dinosaur being drawn must not be a carnivore. That is the last thing you want to think in the middle of intercourse, “O man, I hope she doesn’t bite my dick off!”
So, the lesson today we learned is be careful as to what is drawn on your partners paper bag, your life could depend on it. Or here’s an idea…how about you stop fucking ugly people.
Remember Pirates vs. Ninjas? Sure you do. That’s more realistic than what I’m about to suggest. But that “epic” battle has apparently been going on for centuries. Have any of you seen a real life pirate vs. ninja battle? I didn’t think so. I almost saw one once on the hit TV show Walker Texas Ranger, but it turned out to be Chuck Norris vs. a Bear. If you have seen one however, please let us know.
Moving forward, we here at TCM believe that this next “epic” battle is much more spectacular and unrealistic. Pirates vs. Dinosaurs. Picture Pirates of the Caribbean meets Jurassic Park. How fantastic would that be? We all know pirates sail around from island to island pillaging and looting until satisfied. Well, what would happen if the pirates eventually came across the island of Isla Nublar (aka Jurassic Park). Well my friends, you are about to find out.
