I don’t think it is a surprise that Snooki has the most quotes on this list.
#10 – Snooki
“I got kicked out of Chili’s last time I was here. I had too many of these, and I got up on the bar and knocked over all the bottles of Chili’s liquor. They kicked me out for two days, until they realized who I was and brought me back. It was Sunday Funday. Where you say, ‘It’s Sunday, I’m going to get drunk.’ Is today Sunday?”
Hey, I didn’t come up with that phrase, the box for Snooki’s blow-up doll did.
That’s right all you douchebags, Snooki has her very own blow-up sex doll. She of course didn’t license it because I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have allowed this very accurate description on the back of the box:
Meet Guidette, the filthy lil’ pot-belly pig who loves balls on her chin more than the all you can eat buffet! When this pudgy porker ain’t tanning or stuffing her face, she’s busy blowin’ every guido on the boardwalk with a tan and a tank top.
Just add air and this little slut is the life of any party–be careful though, she’s a real knockout when she gets drunk! What are you waiting for yo, give her your friggin’ sauseege already kid!
Pretty spot on though I have to say. Shit, I have to get a job at the place that comes up with these descriptions!
Buy Now and you can in no time, “Fill Her 3 Greasy Gravy Holes!”
Has anyone seen this bit of delight that’s making the rounds on ESPN? This fucking asshole on his phone gets smacked right in the face with a baseball. I love when people suck at life and cry like pussies, especially at baseball games.
On a side note, it took me way too long to find this video. Fuck you MLB and your copyrights.
So TCM had a little redneck gathering a few weekends ago at the Pocono’s Raceway for their NASCAR race. We were fortunate enough to get a spot in the infield. I must say, NASCAR is boring on TV but in real life it is a fucking trip. A lot of drinking, Indian leg wrestling, pooping and shouting very loudly occurred. Those damn hicks know how to fucking party. Anyways, day 2 rolls around and we notice that the kid camping next to us is getting a little rowdy. A little too rowdy for our liking…to the point where we think he punched this girl in the face—mind you she came out a hootin’ and a hollarin’ that he raped her the night before. Sure men beating up on women is funny in the movies, but in real life, that shit won’t fly. So this kid tries to fight everyone, but his brother stops us. Next thing we know, this happens:
So pretty much he got pissed off at life and decided to go live in the woods behind Pocono’s Raceway. We believe he is still there living off of strict rations of Maple leaves and rabbit poop. Good luck to ya, ya fuckin’ douchebag.
It’s summertime, baby! Bangin’ beats, hot bodies, icy cold brews and boardwalk bashes. Only the hottest can handle the heat. And this new Summer Share is looking for some new roommates.
If that doesn’t pump you up enough to sign up for Jersey Shore, then I’m not totally sure what is. I can hear Flintheart’s fist pumping the floor as I write this.
Mind you though, there are several stipulations when filling out this casting call application:
That’s fo real. If you think you got what it takes to be a douche, or already are a douche, or want to be a douche, then sign up you douche.
I hate to admit it, but like 70% of males ages 18-30 in the winter I wear a black pea coat. The trend was beginning to happen when I got mine 5 or 6 years ago, but now it’s exploded. If you work in a city with a concentrated number of young professionals you know exactly what I’m talking about.
The reason for this article is to point out 2 styles of this fashion to avoid so that you don’t look like a douchebag for the rest of your life. That’s right, I’m TCM’s fashion police today, bitch.
1. Wearing a baseball hat with a pea coat. Seriously? Come on. Would you wear a suit and put a baseball hat on? Of course not, you’d like unbelievably retarded. Don’t do it with a pea coat than. You will be labeled as a BRO for life, albeit one that is trying to moonlight as an executive, but a BRO nevertheless. Don’t do it.
2. Don’t wear a hoody underneath it, unless it’s the kind that’s hoodless and the coat is buttoned. If your going somewhere in the winter where you won’t be outside for a long period of time, you will likely be fine wearing a hoody. If you are going to be outside for pro longed periods of time, buy a better and warmer jacket that is actually made to stop the coldness from creeping into your body. Don’t make yourself look like an idiot by wearing something nice and something junky at the same time. Your probably the same type of person that rocks the Miami Vice style blazer with a t-shirt under it or gets married in a tux and ripped jeans.
It’s not asking too much. But these 2 simple steps should allow you to shed your douchey ways and coexist normally, with the rest of us.
As if you really needed any further proof that Fred Durst is one of the worst things to happen to the world, let alone music.
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Epic Fail
Awww shit. 2009 was an excellent year for only 1 reason. Your favoritest website was born, The Captains Memos. It was a brutal labor and the birth mother unfortunately died, but what arose out of the steaming pile of mung was something that has put a permanent stain on all of your eyes.
We would like to showcase some of our best and worst moments throughout the past year. Enjoy boners.
Social Characters – The Douchebag
Ah, the good ol’ douchebag. Everyone loves to hate these beautiful specimens. Since the inception of the greatest show ever, Jersey Shore, they have become a sort of comedy troupe. Ok, let’s face it, we all wish the worst death upons these flaming cocksucking douchebags. Love ya!
Lady Gaga’s got a choad.
So Lady GaGa had quite an interesting story about her in 2009. Some claimed she was packing a penis under those gold pair of spandex pants. This particular post churned up some pretty fierce comments. Who knew Lady GaGa had such a loyal following? Anyways, it is a pretty awesome claim, and something that TCM just couldn’t past up sharing with you all. Hell, we even had a reason as to what her choad really was. Boy we are good.
The SI Swimsuit Rookies
Unbelievably hot women in scandalously clad swimsuits is a recipe for just plain awesome. This is a 3 part series which highlights the rookies of Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Issues. There is no clear winner, they would all receive the Calder Trophy in my book.
How to give a haduken
No, its not down, right, punch. It’s hand, ass, fart, face. This is widely used in the TCM offices. No one is safe from the power of the Haduken. Even you at home. FYI, I just Hadukened you all while reading this.
A Brief Sexual History Of Kelly Kapowski
Well, some of us here were fans of the show Saved by the Bell and others *cough* Flintheart *cough* are obsessed. If saved by the bell was real life, Flintheart would have a restraining order on him from Kelly Kapowski. She is hot though…or was…either way Flintheart would bang her if she was dead. All jokes aside though folks, bestiality is a serious issue.
Celebrities That Look Like Other Celebrities: Part 2
This part of the series was just astounding. That black guy from The Office bears a striking resemblance to the black trainer guy from Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. Don’t believe me? Click on that link above and apologize.
Top 10 3rd World Nations
We have brought you many Top 10′s and honestly we could do a Top 10 about our Top 10′s. But this one is personally my favorite…not because I wrote it, just because of the retarded premise. Read and thank god that you live where you live…unless you live in one of the names countries. Sorry.
Social Characters: the Out of Control Facebooker
Like Polish states in this post, some of you out there need to cool it with the Facebooking. Who gives a flying fuck that you have enough money to grow corn crops in your Farmville game. Don’t even get us started on the Mafia Wars. Just click the link above to see the rant…you will learn a thing or 2.
Jersey Shore: The True Hollywood Story
You know TCM couldn’t pass up writing a post about this great show. If TV had a hall of fame, this show would have been inducted already even though it has only had 4 episodes. Well read on, cause this explains what these stars do in real life away from douching it up at the Jersey Shore.
With great sideburns comes great responsibility
Ever been in a tragic situation? If you have, who is the first person you flock to. A man with a beard and sideburns. Facial hair in general comes great responsibility. Look at Santa Claus, that mother fucker is expected to deliver toys to all good boys and girls around the world in one night. Polish says that’s impossible but he also said it was impossible for the guy in 40 Year Old Virgin to get laid. Yea so, we are still hard at work in the TCM laboratory figuring this one out. Stay tuned.
Animals Specifically Designed to Kill Shit
I am in love with this series and I hope you all are too. I can’t narrow it down to one specific post, so here are all 3 in their bloody glory. Sharks, Bears & Dunkleosteus. My suggestion, don’t get caught one on one with one of these animals. They will eat you, shit you out then eat you again.
Beginner’s Guide to a Public Bathroom
This is one of our earlier posts by the recently departed Captain Kirk. For those who are terrified of taking shits in public, fear no more, Kirk has got your hairy, pimply ass covered. Shit away my friend, shit away.
There you have it pee holes, the best from 2009. If you have any other favorites not listed, let us know.
Stay tuned in 2010. Greater, dumber things will be coming your way.
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