The date; 2050 BC. The moment; the creation of beer. The affect on civilization; holy shit.
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Memos Tagged Drunk
Apr62009
Why you never question a drunk…
This is from a reader:
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
- A half-gallon of 2% milk,
- A carton of eggs,
- A quart of orange juice,
- A head of romaine lettuce,
- A 2 lb. Can of coffee, and
- A 1 lb. Package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, ‘Cause you’re ugly.’
Thank you for that one. Drunks, 60% of the time are always correct.
Apr22009
You Heard It Here, SausageFest’s Kill
SausageFest (n): a party where minimal or no women are in attendance.
Apparently up in the Minnesota SausageFest’s are threatening the longevity of adolescent men’s lives. Back in glory days of the Captain’s, the SausageFest was a myth on land – only at sea was it all mates. To our defense, having a wench on board is back luck.
Our thoughts and prayers go out to those unfortunates up in Minnesota. A word of advice for the rest of the partygoers; get a set of balls, wear deodorant, and learn to talk to women, fast.
Apr22009
Poolside Pong
That’s right folks, you no longer have to use your parents dining room table for a sporting game of beer pong. You can drag everyone into the pool to get drunk. Guys, you now have an ultimate pick-up line for the ladies, “Wanna get wet? …while playing beer pong?” 100% says you will get kicked in the dick or a slap in the face, but you can crawl away knowing you weren’t lying this time.
We here at TCM agree it is a great invention, but it’s only a matter of time before there is some sort of lawsuit that will come out of this. Lets go over how and why this would come about:
- You are in a pool filled with water.
- You can die in water by something we call “drowning”.
- Playing beer pong makes you drunk (If you aren’t a pussy and actually drink your beer instead of pouring it all into one cup “for later”).
- When you get drunk, you do stupid things. “Hey guys! Let’s see how long I can hold my breath under water while strapping these 100lbs weights on!”.
- You hold your breath for too long and die.
- Family members are upset and file a lawsuit against Poolside Pong because it caused them to get drunk, when actually it was the beer.
- Goes to court and becomes national headline…too much money for the people who invented Poolside Pong to continue, so they shut their operation down.
- The owners of Poolside Pong become depressed, and play 1 last game of their creation and agree to drown themselves.
Well that was nice, thank you Captain Buzzkill.
On the lighter side, there are alternative uses to this great device than just a tool for getting drunk. It can be used for a lounge float to hold your fat drunk ass. Also if your friend is drowning and you wish to help them, use it for a life saving device. This way the owners can add them saying, “Poolside Pong saved my life!” to their testimonials section. Editors Note: Don’t use it for a lifesaving device.
In all honesty, this is a great invention. We all are going to get one so we can have a sexy party in our pool this year with the Mexicans that stand on the corner down the block. So come on by, it will be a nacho grandé old time.
Apr12009
Drunk driver didn’t even have to leave his barstool.
Ingenuity is a word that is thrown around from time to time. I think it’s safe to say that it can properly be used now. Apparently, a 28 year old Ohioan was charged for drunk driving after crashing his homemade bar stool car, powered by a lawn mower. That sombitch had 15 beers he told police before getting on his homemade drunk machine. According to this guy, it could get up to 38mph. Not to mention he drank a half a bottle of whiskey after the incident. I think TCM needs to give this guy a call and have a drink or 15.
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